Reality Bites

I admit...I am a reality show junkie.  I just can't help myself.  I know that most of it is ridiculous, but I find myself sucked into the lives of these people.  I want to understand them, the dynamics in their relationships and see what happens next.


Gary and Teen Mom Amber's Break-Up

The more I watch the "reality" that takes over my living room, the more I realize a common theme.  When it comes to relationships, which most reality shows are about, everyone wants to be loved.  They may go after love in lots of different ways.  One person might keep their distance scared of love while another throws themselves in the arms of others hoping the gesture will make the other person love them.  I find myself feeling sorry for the people I am watching...that they are so damaged and/or unsure of themselves that drama is invited into their lives.  From teenagers (16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom) to grown men and women (Keeping up with the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, Housewives), people just want to be loved for who they are.     

                                                   

Kim Kardashian's larger than life wedding

People say, "I love you" in romantic relationships when they really mean, "I care about you".  Have you ever done that?  Have you ever said you loved someone when you realized later, you cared about them a lot.  You were never in love with them.  I have thought I was in love with someone only to realize I was in love with being in love.  I liked this person enough to try to make them be the person I was going to be in love with.  I was going to look over the issues that I later realized would have been devastating for both of us had we stayed together.  I was going to focus on the positive and keep hoping this person would fit into my love story.  I did not realize at the time how much God would show me about who I really was and what I can accomplish.

I realized to be in love with someone, is intoxicating.  To be madly, deeply in love cannot be measured or explained.  It isn't about what you get out of it.  It isn't even about what the other person gets out of the relationship.  It just, is.  Until you have truly been in love, not lust or like, these words are mere letters put together on a page.

The difference between loving someone and being in love with them comes down to forces beyond our control.  If you love someone, that doesn't mean they will love you back, but to be in love means you are in it with someone else.  They are going to be with you the rest of this life, for better or worse until death do you part.  It's magical and mysterious.  It's a blessing that lasts a lifetime.  It is a gift and had God only given me one thing on this earth, I would choose to truly be in love.  I am thankful to be able to say that He did give that gift to me, and I am a very, very blessed woman. 

Family Matters

Have you ever wondered how you ended up in the family you were born into?  Your astonishment may have come years ago whey you were an angst-filled teenager, or maybe it was just last week at a family gathering.  I can remember (when I was an intensely serious and philosophical 15 year old) thinking I was not "supposed to be" in the family I found myself coexisting with.  Even now, I continue to get frustrated by family matters.

Over the past few years, my view of family has morphed.  I find myself understanding what God had in mind when he came up with the concept of family.  It doesn't mean we always understand each other.  It doesn't mean we have lots in common.  It means we love each other.  It means we give grace where grace needs to be given.  It means that although we may not quite get one another completely, we still try.

Just a few days ago, family filled Christmas.  There were presents everywhere.  I realized last night, as I ate chocolate covered cherries snuggled under my electric blanket, my soft, cozy socks keeping my feet warm and watching episodes of The Office, that my family really did understand those little things that make me so happy.  I smiled unconsciously in the half light of the television.  My family knew my simple joys and tried to give them to me for Christmas.  I just hope that my gifts to them were as special.

Families have struggles.  They argue, get their feelings hurt and don't always know how to communicate with one another effectively, but a true family never gives up.  They keep working things out.  They keep loving no matter the situation.  They learn from those that are different from them, and they forgive.  You can be related to someone but never be able to truly call them family.  A family is not necessarily something you are given at birth.  It is something you choose to be a part of.

It's the Simple Things

As I sit by my beautifully lit tree smelling the fragrance of Christmas, sipping hot cocoa by candlelight, I can't help but take a deep breath in and sigh with satisfaction.  A few minutes ago, when perusing my cabinet I giggled like a little girl as I saw my most brightly colored holiday mug hiding in the back.  A peppermint hot chocolate soon filled the sorely neglected ceramic cup.

With Christmas quickly approaching and as the gift giving ensues, I secretly wish I could give others simple gifts like the ones I enjoy instead of the ones I have wrapped for them under the tree.  The truth is, many of those nicely wrapped presents will lose their novelty after a few weeks (or less than that), but the special little things that seem to brighten life continue to be appreciated.

The first Christmas was all about a little family, a little baby, and a little stall in a little town.  I can't help but be grateful at how God gives me such appreciation for my little things to remind me what's important in life.  So, even though I love the happiness on others' faces when they first see my carefully thought out gift, the better gifts are always the small ones that take us by surprise.

Holding On

Small children often go through anxiousness as they learn that it's okay not to be with mommy and daddy constantly.  They may cry and tantrum when mom and dad leave, but parents who want their kids to learn how to be independent and confident people don't stay.  They let them cry for awhile reminding them they will be back for them allowing them to learn what it means to be on their own in the world with the knowledge that they are still very loved.

I think the longer someone is a Christian, the more they tend to forget that even though God is not present, he is still coming back.  He still knows and hears what is going on.  I know I tend to forget that I am not alone in this life.  Just because I don't always feel like jumping up and down and having a hallelujah fit doesn't mean that I am not loved.  It means I have to trust that much more.  When he doesn't feel close, I have to revert to what I know to be true.

I think we can start to hold onto things instead of  holding onto the promises of God.  We can put people where God should be without realizing what we've done.  We can actually see these things and people.  We can hear them, and they often make us feel good most of the time.  We forget how fickle people can be.  We forget how flawed and needy.  When we have the stuff we were dying to have, after awhile it loses it's appeal, and we want the next big and better thing.  It's so very dangerous to put money, a job, a spouse or friend in the space God should be.  Heartbreak and loneliness are inevitable. 

I think a theme with me lately has been learning to let go and hold onto what needs to be held onto.  For me, control of situations makes me safe and secure.  It also makes me intensely anxious when things don't go according to plan.  How I need to rest in the arms of God instead of getting stuck on my journey by trying to control life.  I often forget that he is taking care of what needs to be handled.  What I do not know, he does.  What I cannot see, he's seen, and where I have not been, he's already been.  I know that I have missed joys in life, because I have been more concerned with dealing with the details than watching the scenery.  I am realizing that although it is scary, releasing my fingers from what I've held onto so tightly actually feels good.  Whatever will be, will be, and God will be there no matter what happens.

A Dog and his Chicken Leg

I was sitting on the couch last night relaxing after a day filled with busyness, contemplation and having to do things bosses hate to do.  As I sat there, I began to think about events during the day that bothered me, and I found myself holding onto them for dear life.  My mind kept saying, "What are you doing?  This is silly."  My emotions were set on replaying those events.

Just a few minutes later, our dog Bailey comes into the living room doorway with something in his mouth.  We had the overhead light off, so Eric thought it was one of his toys.  I saw the way he was fixated and knew...he'd gotten in the trash and taken out an old piece of fried chicken I had thrown away.  I went over to him ,telling him to let go.  Eric kept telling him to let go, too.  As I grabbed the chicken, I realized he had a death grip on it.  He was not going to give up without a fight.  We kept telling him to drop it.  Let it go.  Finally after a couple of minutes, he acquiesed.  We banished him from the kitchen but couldn't help but smile and laugh as he cocked his head to one side with his hound dog ears spread out like radar and looked up sadly at us with his light brown eyes.

As I sat back on the couch after reprimanding him, I thought about how Bailey and I were so alike.  We both went in to the trash, took something out that we had no business having, and held onto it no matter how it would affect us. 
I have been praying to let go of those things that are so inconsequential and not worth the brainpower to keep thinking about.  I seem to be able to let go of the bigger things in life so easily and trust God.  Somehow, I keep wanting scraps, though.  I tend to want to revert to ways that aren't allowed.  Life is a fancy dinner.  I am praying I learn to keep my head out of the trash.

The Man of my Dreams

A little girl dreams of prince charming riding up on his gallant horse and whisking her away into the sunset.  She doesn't think about what happens afterwards, just the anticipation of him arriving and taking her away to live in the castle of her dreams.

In reality, the girl grows up waiting for that perfect fairy tale, and many times we don't realize it hasn't arrived yet.  We don't realize that what may be a good situation is not great.  We can get in that carriage and ride off into the sunset, but we are really signing up for a life we never wanted.  We are compromising what we really want and silence the voice within that says there is so much more.  Because after the sun goes down, darkness sets in.  That is when our prince charming builds a fire or when he expects us to.  There is going to be night.  Either that knight in shining armor protects and defends her or he sits on the couch while she fights the battles.  He is completely content being able to have her and not have to do what is difficult.  She just doesn't see though, that she is so worth fighting for...no matter what the fight is.

My heart breaks when I see women around me settle because the guy isn't hitting her or insulting her.  She thinks he is nice when there are so many guys that aren't, but being nice is a basic requirement.  God wants more for us than just someone that is a nice guy.  He wants us to be with the person he has in mind to walk through this life with us, committed no matter what may happen.  I would have never realized this unless he had shown me in my own life.  My husband isn't just nice, he flatters me to the point where I really believe he sees this amazing beauty that I don't.  He isn't with me, because he was lonely or just wanted a girlfriend.  He chose me believing I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  He challenges me to be a better person...to be the person that lies beneath my fears or insecurities.  He teaches me what love is.  When I am at my lowest, he is always there.  I can tell him what I really think, and no matter what it is, we work it out together.  It may take us a long time to figure it out, but we still talk about what would be so easy to avoid discussing.  He will do things that are important to me even if it makes him uncomfortable. No matter the issues from my past, I put it out there for us to tackle together.

I am so very thankful for God answering prayers of so many people through the marriage I have now.

Unanswered Prayer

How is it that when you're young and really know nothing, you think you know it all, and when you're older and know so much more, you really feel like you know nothing?  I guess that's the definition of wisdom.  It makes you feel clueless at times and grows your patience and faith.

I remember being a young woman entering my twenties and realizing that I did not have much wisdom at all.  This was a news flash to me since I was a know-it-all in my teens.  I remember praying incessantly for God to make me genuine and open my eyes to truth when I saw how the lack of these traits led people I admired to let me down miserably.

God answers prayer...and he keeps answering.  When we think he's done, he comes back with more of an answer.  When we have prayed that prayer a thousand times with a seemingly silent response, he has not forgotten.  Sometime in the future, we will realize he may have already answered or just waited until that absolute perfect time.  Then, we praise him most.  Then, we give him the glory.  Then, we glimpse a bit of heaven.

I know I have prayed things I don't think about again until it is answered out of nowhere.  He waits until the time is right, until our hearts are primed, until everything aligns.  I am so very grateful for a God, a King, a Father that loves me so much, he will make me wait for better than the best.  A God of great surprises and a God of great mercy.  He doesn't necessarily give us what we want, but he always gives us what we truly need.

Grace & Love

My best friend is in town.  I love spending time with her.  I am so truly blessed to have God place a friend in my life that just gets me, and gets me completely.  I don't have to explain myself and muster up any kind of strength to be around her.  I am just me.  No matter what I say, when others may not get my motives, she does.

It's like a breath of fresh air to have a girlfriend like that.  It is amazing how two women with such different backgrounds are such good fits. 

She's Korean.  I'm American.  She grew up in Africa.  I grew up in rural North Carolina.  She learned multiple instruments and languages as a child. Yeah, I didn't.  She had seen much of the world by the time she graduated from high school.  I had never left the southeast.  Yet, God knew our hearts and knew they were meant to support and love one another through this life.  

We have never been the kind of friends that have to constantly talk to one another to validate our friendship.  I think that's because it is that secure.  We know that although we may put on a smile for others and say what we are supposed to due to cultural mandates or expectation, we are absolutely real with one another.  Years can go by without seeing one another, and it's as though nothing changed, though life certainly has for both of us.   

I think God put Grace in my life to show me how to love better.  It is so easy to love her since she knows me, gets me and accepts me.  Others are not so easy to love, because it takes a lot of work.  It takes communicating, explaining, pushing forward, and giving when it feels there is nothing left to give.  Grace loves me the way I wish others would, but the world is not full of Graces.

That is a good thing.  Even though our relationship is so easy now, there was a time years ago, when it was tested and tried.  The lesson is that anything worth having is not worth having if it doesn't go through the fire and come out better, more pure and more stunning than ever. 

I think of my relationship with my husband.  Of course it is going to be tested more than any other and satan is going to try to destroy it...and he has during our short 4 years of marriage.  But, satan never has the last laugh.  He is really only making us stronger and more sturdy for the next attack.  His master plans to keep me bound, and therefore Eric, have backfired numerous times.  The power of Christ, the power of prayer, the power of our God thwarts anything he can throw at us. 

I am very blessed to have people in my life that enrich me more than any material thing I could ever be given.  The past few years have been a harvest of wonderful people and relationships that have enriched my life. 

Grace and I were talking about what our 10 year plan was 10 years ago and how very different life turned out for us...but how glad we are it did.  So, we talked about 10 years from now and what life may be like then.  If our expectations were surpassed this decade, I can't wait to see what the next holds.

Unexpected Standby Adventures

Our latest destination was to Espana.  The rationale for going to Spain: it costs less than other European countries, we know a little Spanish and...why not?  On our way there, we ended up getting first class from Philadelphia to Madrid.  The flight over is really long, especially since you are flying overnight and there is a huge time change.  First class was amazing.  I felt so awkward when the flight attendant came by a few minutes after we sat down offering champagne.  I know I had a doe-eyed look on my face as I paused and timidly took the glass.  We then had dinner...on real plates not the microwavable looking plastic things you get in coach.  We had several courses ending in the most amazing Tiramisu I have probably ever had.  I watched a movie and reclined my comfy seat back, put on my complimentary eye shades, put in my ear plugs, wrapped up in a thick blanket and went to sleep.  Before I knew it, the lights came on and we were being served breakfast.  Had it already been 6 hours?  Eric and I looked at each other in astonishment thinking we had only been in the air a few hours.  Wow.  Had we really slept?  I guess so.  Even though we were still exhausted, that was the most comfortable and quiet flight I have ever been on.  Thank you USAirways.

We absorbed all of Spain that we could in the short week we were there.  We were mostly in Madrid and found the people to be very accommodating and nice.  We did find it odd that there were cameras just about everywhere.  There were in the churches, museums, and perched on the top corner of buildings to capture the street's activity.  We also thought it odd we had to pay to get into some of the smallest of churches.  But, when in Europe, if they want the euro, pay the euro.  The Palace in Madrid was gorgeous.  We couldn't take pictures, though.  There were several people throughout the palace who would yell at you if you took a picture and ask to see what picture you just took so they could see you delete it.  I don't think a society where everyone is guaranteed a job is necessarily benefiting.  Every tourist site was riddled with workers who stood around all day just a few feet from someone in the same uniform not doing the same thing.  We helped the economy out a bit.



Palacio Real

What I loved most about Madrid was the gardens we found in the middle of the city.  There were tree lined paths that were in full fall bloom with their reds, yellows and oranges.  It was gorgeous.  We also found the most beautiful rose garden.  There had to be hundreds of rose bushes there.  As I walked around admiring their beauty and Eric sat waiting, I was hit on by the most charming older man.  He started spewing Spanish.  I must have had a stunned look on my face.  I understand him ask where I was from (Spanish 101).  I told him the United States, and he asked if I was from North or South America.  So, we continued to have a conversation as he told me how beautiful the roses were in Junio (June).  As he was talking, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it, feeling my wedding ring.  He said goodbye, and I went on taking pictures.  I came to a fountain, turned around and there was my gentleman caller.  He wanted to take a picture of me in front of the fountain.  "Foto?", he asked.  I said, sure.  He took a picture, grinning from ear to ear and left the garden.  I told Eric about it, but he had his mind on where we were going next.  When I told someone back home later and Eric heard he said, "He held your hand?"  Ha ha.


Fallen Angel

Near the rose garden in the middle of a beautiful path lined with huge, brightly colored trees, was a fountain.  There are lots of fountains in Madrid, but Eric told me something interesting about this one.  The statue at the top was the only one in the world made of Lucifer.  It shows the agnoy of a fallen angel.  The rage of a saint banished.  It reminded me of how high we as humans beings can ascend and how quickly we can join Satan in his hell.  Just like this artist's rendition, Satan was surrounded by beauty, but chose the wicked.

We visited Toledo and Segovia as well.  These were recommended nearby towns to visit.  I have to say both were beautiful.  My favorite was Segovia, though.  I loved walking the narrow cobblestone streets even though I just about got run over several times.  The aqueduct is what attracts so many visitors, and it really was a marvel.  It was amazing to look up at this 2,000 year old structure that looked as though it was just built a few years ago.  There was no mortar to keep it together.  The Romans placed each stone perfectly on the other.  It made the shoty way we build here in the States pretty embarrassing.


Aqueduct in Segovia

I ate some of the best Paella ever in Toledo, but realized I really do have an allergy to seafood after doing so.  We walked around the rest of the afternoon with me itching and cursing an allergy that developed in my late 20s.  I also realized while in Spain that my lifelong hatred of olives is isolated to the States.  I loved the olives there along with the tiny little pickles we had as tapas in the afternoons.

Another thing about Spain is that they love jamon (ham).  They are obsessed with it.  In Segovia, it is recommended that tourists order cochinillo.  It is a baby pig cooked and brought out whole to eat.  We even stumbled into a ham festival in Madrid.  I am from eastern North Carolina, so I loved it.  It was like a big pig pickin'.

Our trip home was unique as well.  No, we didn't get first class.  We couldn't get out of Madrid!  The flight we were on had plenty of first class seats, but alas, a cargo shipment bumped all of the standbys off.  So, we began to search for another city to get to so we could fly home that day.  As we began our search, two other travellers were trying to get to the States.  We found ourselves all in the same boat.  Stuck.  We had chosen to leave the weekend that all of Europe celebrates The Day of the Dead (Halloween).  One of the other people stuck, Kellie, also worked for USAirways.  She and Eric tried to work their magic as best they could.  We tried to get a train ticket.  All booked to other major European cities.  We tried to get a flight.  All booked.  We even looked into getting a car to drive to London to get out the next day.  Yeah, that was over 2,000 euros.  We spent hours carting our luggage around the Madrid-Barajas airport going from counter to counter trying to get out. 

Finally, we sat down at a place to eat and realized, we just had to stay.  Valerie, the other stranded standby, ended up being from the same area we were from in Virginia.  She had moved to Spain 8 years ago and was going back to visit.  She was able to get someone to find a hotel for us, because of course, most of them had been booked for the night.  Thank goodness!  We went to the hotel and then decided to try to find a restaurant nearby.  Could we do that?  After walking around for about half an hour, we realized there was  nothing around our hotel.  Of course!  We all started laughing at how nothing was working out.  We went back to the hotel and got some food there.  We talked about how thankful we were to have found one another.  During a time when you just want to cry, all we could do was laugh.  We became a family in just a few hours.  Valerie was like the mom, directing us which way to go and making decisions.  Eric, Kellie and I let her lead the way. 

The next morning, we all arrived at the gate realizing that the flight was overbooked.  We braced ourselves to stay another night.  But, at the last minute, they gave every standby passenger a seat!  What?  Maybe it was the time change.  Who knows?  But, we all got on the flight.  We said goodbye in an excited, wish we could have spent more time together way.  Back in the States, we would be strangers once again.

We may never see Valerie and Kellie again, or maybe we will randomly meet up with them in some airport twenty years from now.  That would be awesome.  I definitely learned that I am grateful for the gift of strangers.  I am grateful for meeting new people that you really know nothing about and how that not knowing somehow draws you closer in times of need.  These are experiences that add needed perspective and show you just how big this world is.

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

The crisp air.  The deep reds, lively oranges and vibrant yellows.  The smell of someone burning firewood. Cinnamon and vanilla.  Homemade pies and cookies.  Being bundled up to watch a football game.  Hot chocolate and homemade cider.  The gathering of family.  Laughter.  Togetherness.  I love it.

I just had to write about my favorite time of year.  It is a time of rebirth in my eyes.  That seems odd I guess.  Since the changing of the leaves is really an indication that they are about to drop to the ground, dry up and disintegrate into the earth.  Maybe that's why I love this season so much.  Because right before the death of something living, it seems to come alive in the most marvelous, breathtaking way.  Before the dead, cold winter, God reminds us that what seems like it is dying...never will.  It will go into the earth and provide nutrients so that growth comes again in Spring. 

The views of fall are really an indication of life, to me.  There is no death in the realm of God's children.  Only a period of dormancy.  Isn't that amazing?  God shows us through the world around us that those we love are not gone.  They are not dead.  If they knew him...they are very much alive.  We are the ones that lie dormant.  Our winter is here.  They know the brilliance of new life.  The abundance of waking up in the Spring of heaven must be amazing.  The sad part for us is when there are no more pretty leaves on the trees...when the excitement of change becomes the dreariness of winter.  We see the brilliance of their lives as they move on to eternity and long for that brilliance to never end.  I know I long for Fall to be year round.  Doesn't it seem like those we love leave this world at a time when their colors are so amazing?  It's baffling, but I guess it's the order of things.  The leaves won't always stay on the trees.  And we will not always be on this earth.  But, I am sure of this: the seasons of heaven, the unfolding of our lives up there, is going to surpass anything we could ever imagine!

Free to Fly

I have often admired how beautifully God uses a gentle breeze or gust of wind to paint my world.  I will look out the window in Spring to see little pink petals from a tree whisked away to dance.  In Autumn, red and orange leaves fall only to twirl around on the ground celebrating their freedom.  It's amazing how these living portraits inspire.

I am a very blessed woman...and a free woman.  To me, these yearly occurrences that mark the seasons are reminders of just where I have come from and where I am going.  There is nothing to hold me back...no chains except the ones I place on myself.  At one time in my life, I was bound by the sin of others, but no longer.  I choose to be as free as that butterfly that listlessly floats in a mesmerizing pattern through the air.

The point is, Christ frees us, and we have to choose that freedom every day.  Not the yolks of heaviness that are not ours to bear.  We can choose to remember that no matter what earthly bondage others try to place on us, we will always be free.  I have to remind myself just about every day not to get consumed with the goings on of this world.  This life is breath, a split second compared to forever with Christ.  So, I have no business trying to make it more than it really is.  I choose to fly, closing my eyes to feel the wind on my face, breathing in that sweet smell of freedom.

Our Father...

It all seems like some strange dream now.  That night so long ago holds a grip on her heart for reasons she didn't understand at the time.  In the darkness, she fled with her mother and brother.  Through that darkness, light would surely penetrate.

Chaos.  That is what she can remember about that night.  Whatever fragments left in her memory are of chaos, confusion, fear...and more fear.  Her father seemed more insane than ever that night.  She remembers terrible things he did and said to her mother and brother.  She's repressed so much more hoping that she just wouldn't remember.  She would be fine with that.  She remembers that the night seemed particularly dark as she was hurried along by her mother to grab a few things and run to the car.  She was scared.  She didn't know what was happening.  Where were they going?  It wasn't safe in that old farm house, but at least she understood that home.  At least she knew how to be there.  To stay out of the line of fire.  To be quiet and do what is expected.  But, where were they going to go, and how was she supposed to act? 

As they drove to a place she can't remember, she fell asleep.  She can't remember who they stayed with, but a friend of a friend she was told later.  She went back to school soon afterwards with the other kids whose father kissed them goodbye in front of the school and gave them hugs that she envied.

The next few years were tumultuous to say the least. The little girl's father would sit on the road outside of the house all night so that he would not be violating a restraining order.  She would sleep in the living room as her mother stayed up all night hoping her father wouldn't break down the door.  She constantly lived in fear.  It became her home again but in a different way.  She loved to be at school.  She loved to be where she knew it was safe and predictable.  Home was scary, but school was where she could learn to please and be accepted.

Before her mother finally left for good, her teacher reported that she had bruises on her.  So, when she was called to the Principal's office, she told the truth about where the bruises came from.  Many of them came from her father.

Her mother shielded her from a beating by not telling him that the naive little girl told.  She thought she was supposed to always tell the truth, but she learned that she couldn't do that.  When the social worker came to the house, her father left since they told her mother when they were coming.  The report was unfounded since there was no evidence of abuse during the visit.  The little girl learned that telling others what was going on really only makes things worse.  They couldn't really help her.  She had made her mother get a beating.  She blamed herself for the pain her mother was feeling.

The process for her mother to finally leave and not go back, took years.  Years of lying to others even though they knew.  Years of covering up for her father.  Years of fear, torment, rejection and agony.

When her mother finally did leave, and her father realized it was for good, he truly had a breakdown. He even wandered around naked in the street.  He went to a psychiatric institution, but a few months after getting out, he had overdosed on the medication that was supposed to make him better.

Life got better for the little girl as the years passed.  She no longer lived in the environment that made her feel like her very existence was revolting.  But that foundation was one she would have to battle the rest of her life.

Though it has been difficult, I have battled that beginning that satan wanted to destroy me.  God brings me further into his love every day.  He shows me what a father really is and why I was placed here.  I write this part of my story now to give thanks.  I know if satan had his way I would be destroying other lives.  But God put a heart in me to uplift others and love them.  Though the past may try to haunt me, the present reality always wins.  I am thankful today for a heavenly father that truly loves me, no matter what.

I Think I Can...

What lengths will God go to make us realize that though we try with all of our might, some things He just has to help us with?  It's like a small child trying to push a large boulder.  They may push and push convinced that they will make it move.  They may take a break and come back to try to move that rock, but all in vain.  You see, their determination may appear admirable, but it doesn't really matter.  They will never have the strength.  They are always going to need someone to help them.  They may think that if they just keep working hard and spend lots of time, that rock is going to have to move.  But the reality is...they need to move.  They need to move over and let the One that makes jobs like that seem effortless.  They need to relent and admit that all of their efforts are never going to be enough.

How relevant is that to life?! I am the Queen of deciding that I will just work harder and be able to accomplish the task.  It takes me forever to realize I was never meant to do this alone.  I was never meant to try to figure everything out.  I was never meant to take everything on.  Why did I even try when I clearly do not have the strength?  I guess it's the survivor in me.  I just push on, push forward so much so that I end up sick and exhausted.  I am humbled today.  God is teaching me to step aside.  He's got this.  I need to let him show me how he will make this mountain a mole hill.  I need to let him show me how this huge obstacle is really not that big when He's involved.  He will work it all out.

Diamonds in the Rough

Have you ever been in  place where you think, "God, why am I here right now and what is the purpose of this?" I guess that's where faith comes in.  We have to trust the One that made us and orchestrated the circumstances.

Sometimes I feel like, when I look at my life, I am looking at a mirror dripping with condensation.  I can see a little bit, but squint and struggle to see clearly.  There is nothing I can do to make it more clear.  I just have to wait for the steam to roll away. 

Trusting and obeying seem to be like oil and water.  How are we supposed to trust God by obeying him to stay in a state of not knowing?  It seems that trusting to stay in a state where you don't really understand only brings about exhaustion and questions as to what the point really is.  What is God getting at?  What is it that I need to learn so badly that he wants these circumstances that swirl around like a tornado to continue with no end in sight? 

I guess it just comes down to living in the moment.  Just live in that moment the best you know how not losing faith but pressing on.  Live and do the best you can believing God will reveal all in his most perfect timing.  He doesn't leave.  He doesn't forget.  He knows about every tiny detail of our lives and orchestrates them to create something unbelievable.  He creates diamonds from the soot, but it's going to be an arduous process.  Nothing of worth is made quickly...and that certainly includes the creation of a heart like Christ.

The Stainlifter

What is that one thing, or that string of things, that you never want anyone to know about you?  What is the thing in your past, or present, that will alter others' perception of who you really are?  We all have those "things" we hate to think about, to remember or even admit to ourselves really happened.  They are like a bad dream that seems to have become part of our memory.

But, what if we knew these things about one another?  What if we knew these things, and still didn't judge?  Is that even possible?  Can you imagine others knowing things you are ashamed of so much that you are in denial of them yourself?  What an unveiling!  What a feeling of nakedness.  Exposure beyond covering.

Well, it would definitely be humbling.  It makes me think about just how much we worry about the opinions of others.  If all was revealed, who would be left there standing beside of us in our shame, helping us to realize that is not who we really are?  What people would be there?  And do we realize that Christ DOES see all of that, and he has ALWAYS been there?  I know I don't.  I don't like to think he knows about and witnessed or witnesses the me that is mean and stained with sin.

The thing is...he loves us still.  He rinses us clean, tends to our wounds and keeps us warm.  He offers forgiveness and new life.  A clean slate and clean clothes.  It seems we walk around thinking others cannot see the stains.  We try to hide them in various ways.  It could be by overachieving to distract, or underachieving.  It could be highlighting some part of our personality that others will pay attention to instead of the stains on our clothes.  It could be staying busy.  Whatever the means, they are but an illusion compared to God's stain fighting power.  It doesn't matter what it was, how long it has been there, how it smells or looks, our Father makes it seem it was never there.  I am so grateful for that, because my secret stains are so bad that no human being could get them out.

Abba Father

When I think of my life...I just smile.  My life is so amazing right now.  I feel so loved, and I am in a place of peace.  God certainly keeps his promises.  The gifts he has given me and continues to give me are exceedingly more than I could have dreamed.  I am amazed at how he continues to do work within me that seemed impossible just a few years ago.  How he engineers circumstances so that I may be fully blessed and see his beautiful face in the face of others.  He is just so very good to me.  It warms my heart.  I am blessed that he has given me gifts that bless others in times of sadness.  I get to be a part of and witness the Holy Spirit being the balm needed to soothe the burning wound.

The journey is not void of mishaps and unexpected twists and turns.  It is how we handle those things that either creates a spring of living water or a pond of stagnant disease.  God does not mean us harm, but offers a chance to hope...to have faith and live a full life.  That life cannot be built upon circumstances or even the people we love the most.  It must be built on the strong arms of God himself, because circumstances change and people do not stay the same.

I praise God today, for turning mourning into laughter.  What miracles he births from tragedy! 

Walk by Faith

I thought I knew
what was really you-
Then everything changed,
I couldn't see you again...
Where did you go?
Why can't I know?
Are you coming back
to make my heart race fast?
Will you shed some light
on the darkness of night?
Will I again see,
as I fall to my knees?
Will my hope be secured
by the effort I put forth?
Will the fog lift,
or will I die in this mist?
Will my questions be answered
and the truth discovered?
Will this side of heaven
ever know why,
or will the answers be revealed
when once the scroll is unsealed?

I do not know
how far you will go-
To mold within me,
a heart of pure gold.
But this is true,
I will trust you to do
the work to make it whole
until the story is told.
The one you have in mind-
The one you've designed--
I wait in anticipation
for that revelation,
of a life created

and never forsaken.

A River Runs Through Me

I have never thought about rivers the way I have thought about them today.  I have always thought of water and rivers to be something good since water is mentioned so much in the Bible as a cleansing agent and a symbol of purity.  But after reading a devotional this morning, I realized so much more.

All rivers have a source.  We may never realize or know from where it began, but it has a place of origin.  And all rivers have obstacles.  There may be rocks, tree branches and trash for it to push through or find a path around.  Sometimes, rivers seem to disappear only to reappear miles away.

It's amazing to think that each of us who draw from the source of Christ has the ability to be as tough and mighty as a river.  No matter the situation, that power is within.  There may be no way to escape what is in front of us, but the source finds a way to push through, maneuver around or remove the daunting challenge ahead.  The power of God backs us.  Think about that.  The power of the living God propels us as we call upon it.

Maybe there is little evidence of the river within us right now.  Maybe it has been reduced to a trickle.  That is okay, though.  The source never left.  He gives us what we need in the time we need it.  Slow and steady is the course.  We may feel that we have no impact on the world around us due to the small size of the river we navigate.  Per Oswald Chambers, the fact is "God rarely allows a soul to see how great a blessing he is."  So, though we don't see the impact the water flowing through us has, it is still changing lives.

Me or Facebook

I am reminded today of simpler days. Maybe it's because of the warm, sweet breeze that effortlessly ushers the sunshine on my face.  Maybe it's the streak of yellow buses passing outside signaling summer fading into fall.  Whatever the reason, it's nice to get that feeling I had when I was younger.  They were times of excitement as I explored the world around me every day after school. 

My brother and I would hunt for tracks to see what animals had been wondering around in the fields in front of our house.  We would go fishing and play in the creeks in the woods.  It was fun to discover the world around us in those days.  I am reminded of going to football games at school sitting on cold, hard metal bleachers all bundled up in the middle of friends on a crisp fall day.  These were the days before cell phones, I-Pads, I-Pods and all of the technology that seems to consume us today.

My e-mail went out for a bit this week, and just that little bit of reprieve seemed like a relief.  I couldn't instantly see who was e-mailing me and feel the need to respond to them.  I sat at my desk doing my work only interrupted by the occasional phone call or person stopping in the office.  It seems that technology can make us uptight and anxious instead of patient and still.  What if we didn't have cell phones to occupy our time with the games, apps, texting and Internet? I certainly enjoy the convenience of technology, but can't help but wonder what I have missed out on because of it.  What moments have I missed with others face to face since Facebook has become the social meeting place?  What story did I miss because I was responding to a text in the middle of dinner?  What website did I see that I shouldn't have?

I guess I just miss the stillness of life.  When people sat on their front porch in the evenings after dinner.  When people would stop by just to visit.  I miss feeling mud between my toes after playing in a puddle.  I loved to play outside for hours as a kid, not play a video game all night.  

I am afraid those days of spending genuine quality time with one another and exploring the outdoors are mostly over for children and adults unless very conscious choices are made to limit how consuming the filling of technology can become.  Technology can be a great way to connect to others, but can also be a way to avoid what needs to be faced in relationships.  I am praying to use the gift of technology as God sees fit.  And that is always for his glory.

Loving the Unlovable

Love is an amazing thing.  Love continues to love when we are so very unlovable.  Love holds our hand after we reject it.  Love soothes our sores as we fight against it.  Love mends our wounds as we struggle to run away.

I recently had a terrible allergic reaction to some unknown fiend.  The itching quickly progressed and hives covered my entire body.  I became more and more agitated and started the annoying sick person whine.  I scratched the irritated skin so much that there was no more room under my nails for the excess skin.  As the allergy took it's course, my husband responded as every good man does.  He gave me medicine, made me stop scratching and put me to bed.  He endured the whining and the inevitable Benadryl high.  After sleeping for awhile, he checked to make sure the hives were gone.  He made me get up for work so I wouldn't be late, and gave me a hug and kiss goodbye.  Today, I feel very loved, because there is no other man on this earth that would love me the way he does.  There is no other person in the world that can do it just like him. 

Whether I am sick physically or emotionally, even if he doesn't understand, he loves me through it all.  He can see what will make me better when I can't or don't want to accept whatever kind of "medicine" I need.  When I am the most unlovable, he seems to love me more.  I am very blessed.

The Work of Rest

I have a hard time with this sometimes.  I seem to long for rest when I have pushed so hard to get the job done, but I still can't let myself really rest.  Rest requires trust in God beyond mere words.  It requires resting in the midst of doing.  I think that is a challenge we all face.

Controlling the situation seems to make us feel more secure.  Taking our hands off of it and going along for the ride can be extremely scary.  I think we fool ourselves, though.  We feel better when we are running to and fro frantically trying to handle things.  If we step back and let God steer, who knows what will happen?  How will we know the job will get done?  How will we feel empowered and proud of our work?

I am one to work and work forgetting that I am supposed to be doing God's work...not my own.  I think if we can keep the mindset that all that we do is not ours for the doing, we will be able to rest more fully.  The task at hand is not for our accolades, it is so God can show himself to the world.

This certainly is a weakness of mine.  The affects are exhaustion and dissatisfaction.  The great work of life can be to trust God to work out what we just can't.  To let him do the work through us, and to live in his rest.

God's Will

I love that Martina McBride song about God's Will.  It makes me tear up every time I hear it.  The words are so real and so many really live them.

If you are unfamiliar with the song, it describes someone that looks all of their life for God's will.  They search and search doing all that they know only to meet up with the will of God in a very unplanned and unexpected way.  The story is about a little boy that is disabled.  She meets Will one Halloween night as he is trick or treating with his mother.  The song goes on to describe the relationship they build and Will eventually moving away to get better medical treatment but dying shortly thereafter.

What touches me most about the song is how Will brought life to the friend he met.  He lived every day fully and completely.  He loved others with a deep love and loved God even more.  He did not fear what was unknown but pressed on.  He kept a genuine smile on his face and cared for others when it seems he is the one that needed the most care.  He was one of those people that gave way more to anyone else than they could give to him.

I think about my job.  I think about the people I get to talk to every day.  They might not walk like I do.  They may not talk like I do.  But they touch my heart in a way I will never be able to imitate.  They make me a better person.  I appreciate them so much for living in a world that does not adjust to them.  I admire their determination, spirit and infectious laughter.  They give me hope, because no matter my state, I think of them and cannot complain about anything.  They are the most interesting people I have ever known, and that will never change.  No matter who I meet in the future...whether it's an important political figure, famous actor, great intellect, or someone talented in every possible way, the "disabled" will always win the trophy.

I look at them and know that God has such a wonderful plan for us all.  I am so thankful for the people he has put in my life to help me remember that.  They don't wonder what they are going to do with their lives.  They just do life.  I love that.

Common Sense

It's a good thing.  Right?  To use common sense when making daily decisions.  But, when is the point when common sense trumps divine insanity?  Can't we become so sure of our common sense and logic that the impossible that God is all about just seems like a fairy tale?

I believe that God wants us to use reason.  He is a reasonable God.  I do not believe he wants that reason to make us so confident in our own perceptions that we become full with presumptuousness.  We become full of ego and don't consult God at all.  No matter what the issue is, he should be consulted.  We should blister our knees to do and be his will, no matter how crazy that may be.

Have you ever prayed for something for such a long time, that your logic becomes your defense mechanism.  We always want our prayer to be answered in a God-like way, but as the days pass we seem to revert back to our logic.  We try not to hope too much just in case that miracle doesn't happen.  Satan sees his chance to throw some doubt in the mix and does so making things even more confusing.  When all the while, we just need to keep keeping on.  We need to keep praying that impossible prayer and keep believing.  No matter how long it's been, no matter how dismal the prognosis or dreary the road ahead looks, God can make all of that vanish in the blink of an eye.

I am praising God that he is so patient with me as I go back and forth in my mind about concerns he has perfectly planned out how to solve.  Having faith as tiny as a mustard seed moves mountains.  It moves the obstacles we see that just won't move.  I'm ready to plant that seed and watch God's plan grow.

God is Personal

It's funny how God will bring you full circle when he is trying to teach you something.  You think you've got it, and then he shows you another angle.

I was watching a pastor on television over the weekend.  The sermon was recorded in the 1970s with the men sporting those fat ties and ladies with their butterfly collars and wispy long hair.  But, what he said was relevant to what had been going on with me, thirty some years later.  What he said and what I had read earlier that morning from Oswald Chambers reminded me that no matter what others may do, those actions should not make me love them less.  That no matter what situation I find myself in or how hurt I may be...I still need to love them.  That even though what they say may hurt, I have to remember what God says.  That He is the truth.  I need to get more and more to the point where what others do and say is not so important to me.  That what is most important is what God says and does.

I realize this is not always the case.  I can get consumed with what others think, how I can please them or help them and make them not be upset with me if they are.  This is really a waste of time, because human beings will always find something to be upset and angry about whether justifiably so or not.  If I have done all I know to be right, I cannot make others know that truth.  I can pray that they will, but if they choose not to see the truth for what it is and hurt me, I cannot make that my burden.  I was not made to please men, but God and God alone.

How difficult it can be to press on when the world is pressing on you.  God never lies, and he said he would be our strength, our comfort, our shield and defender.  He will never leave us.  No matter what others may do out of malice, jealousy or their own pain, they are not ours to heal.  They are God's. 

Although what we do to each other hurts God too, he makes it his personal mission to continue to work on us.  We are most important to him.  So, why do we give other people such power over us and resist surrender to him?  We put them in God's seat when they just don't fit.  This is one of my weaknesses. I pray to keep pressing on with only God in sight.  It's a journey that is worth the fight.

Don't Take it Personally

Have you ever felt like someone just plunged a dagger into your heart by the words they say or actions they did or did not take?  I know we all have.  When it happens to me, I try to step back from my shock and pain and think about where they are coming from.  In many cases, they didn't see it as something personal.  It was business or just par for the course to them.  I try to give them the benefit of the doubt knowing they don't realize how much pain I am in.

I do this because I don't want to be angry and bitter.  I don't want to hold a grudge as I am apt to do.  I want to logically think about this event that seems so illogical to me.  Thinking about the feelings of someone else is always on my mind.  I never want to say or do something that hurts another person.  This can be an asset or a defect in some situations.  I guess, when those oblivious people hurt me, I want give them just a little bit of the overabundance of concern I seem to carry with me.

It baffles me how insensitive people can be.  We can be completely unaware of how hurtful we are.  We get so consumed with our own lives, with our own agendas, that we don't even think that we can affect others in such a way.  The truth is, when any human being comes in contact with another, they influence the other.  We have the power to make someones day or make someones day terrible.

How can any interaction between two human beings not be personal?  Whether we say it's just business or not, the moment we begin our interaction, some type of feelings begin to develop.  We aren't robots.  We are beings made of flesh and blood.  The arrows of insult don't bounce off of us like we are made of steel.  No, they penetrate and can become infected.

We may not be aware that the fiery arrow we let go was not deflected, and it's recipient is struggling to pull it out of their chest.  We may have gone on with our day without a care, but they are weak and bleeding.  My prayer today is for us to remember how human we are and take that into account when interacting with other people.  My prayer is for those hurting from unintended insults to gather their strength, get up and move on.  You can't lead a happy life without some give and take.

Women of Power

I had been mentioning a movie I really wanted to see to my husband for the past few weeks.  When I got home from work yesterday, he had this look on his face like he had an amazing secret.  He then told me he had rented a movie for us to watch.  I asked, and he had me try to guess.  He kept me guessing and had this air of excitement in his voice.  Finally, he told me the title, and I got very excited.  A look of pride and satisfaction came over him like a little boy who had just retrieved a runaway balloon and presented it to it's owner.

Seeing how wonderful it made him feel that he pleased me, made me think about the power we as women have over the men who love us.  They want to make us happy. Even more than that, they want affirmation that they please us.  The job of being the man in our lives is very important to them, and they want to do it well.  We can make them feel lousy or like superman.  We have the tools to nurture and the nature to tear down. 

A nagging and negative woman is like a bad boss.  Our men end up not wanting to come home to that job if their wives are constantly tearing them down.  He doesn't want to hear all of the things he isn't doing right and never hear about the things he does do right or how much effort he does put into the relationship.  I am not saying in any way that women are superior to men.  I am saying that a good man is made better when he knows he is making a positive contribution to the life of the woman he loves.  He becomes a better leader and a better person.

Women need to recognize the power they hold in their hands.  Men may not appear to be fragile, but remember, they give their hearts to us and willingly make themselves vulnerable.  They may not seem sensitive, but when it comes to the women they love, they are probably more sensitive than we are.

I am so very thankful that my husband opened up his heart to me and continues to daily.  I pray today that the words I speak and actions I take re-affirm that being vulnerable with me is a good decision.

Broken Wings

On a flight home from vacation recently, I watched a family in the seats in front of me.  As the plane taxied down the runway, a little boy around 4 years old twisted and turned to look out the window at all of the things little boys love about airports and airplanes.  He kept calling his mom so he could talk to her about what he was so excited about.  After four or five calls, she finally lifted her head and nodded.  She put her head back down.

As the airplane took off, the little boy squealed with excitement.  His little sister was sitting in the middle seat beside of him and began to cry.  Their mother, who sat on the aisle seat, comforted her and kissed her.  As the flight continued, the flight attendants began to serve beverages and snacks.  The little boy began to get very excited and kept asking his mother questions.  She finally looked over and said, "Shut up!".  I was horrified.  He didn't respond back to her, but continued to fidget and anxiously await the cart to arrive.  He became more and more anxious and kept moving in his seat.  His mother finally scolded him harshly.  I couldn't understand what she said, but he immediately began to cry.  He curled up like a snail and looked out the window sobbing.  This infuriated me as I watched her gently caress her daughter.

Throughout the four hour plane ride, I would smile at the little boy as he glanced back between the seats at me.  He never smiled back.  It seems he didn't know how to respond to a woman being nice to him.

The whole scene broke my heart.  I prayed for this boy as the plane ride continued.  I prayed for him to grow up and not be a broken man.  I prayed that what his mother was doing to him would not be passed down.  I prayed that he would know love and not become more and more angry.  I wanted to take him home with me.  I wanted to show him that it was okay to be a little boy that was excited to be on an airplane.

I saw what this little boy can become raised in such an environment.  He will most likely be diagnosed with ADHD or something like it.  In reality, he is scared of losing the tiny bit of affection he does get from his mother.  So, he is constantly stressed.  Children express this through hyperactivity much of the time.  He is a broken little boy.  Others see him seemingly quickly recover from the blows his mother gives.  The reality is that he doesn't know how to handle them, so they never heal.  He is a child that has not developed the reasoning or emotional maturity to process this kind of pain.  He has to wait until he gets older to heal fully.  The problem is that he may never get the help he needs to do this or be in the environment to do this.  He will seek out others that treat him the same way his mother does not realizing what he is doing.

I pray that he becomes a good man.  I pray he will know God and not believe the lies that his mother is telling him about who he really is.  Every "shut up" tells him he is not worth her time.  She doesn't really care about what he thinks or needs.  He is a nuisance.  She loves his sister more.  He isn't good enough.  He never says or does the right thing.  He will constantly be trying to figure out who he needs to be to please her and be loved. 

Although I will never know their names, I will never forget them.  I will never forget a mother that is so broken herself that she is doing the same thing to her son.  It is never too late to let love heal.

Little Seeds

When my husband and I bought our house, it came with a garden.  It was quite a large garden to be in town.  We decided we would try to keep it up, and planted all kinds of vegetables this year.  We tried to start the seeds indoors first when it was still cold out so that they would have more of a chance when they were planted.  As time passed, some of the seeds matured, and we planted the tiny little plants.  We have 2 sunflowers right now that came from little seeds I began inside that are now over 10 feet tall.  Unfortunately, many of the seeds we tried to nurture in the warmth of our home, never got past a seedling.

It makes you wonder why some seeds "make it" and some don't.  Why is that two similar seeds can be in the same environment and treated with delicate care, yet only one survives?  It could be that one seed had a tiny defect that could not be seen.  It could be that the one type needed an environment that could provide even more care.  It could be that we didn't realize how it needed to be treated in the first place since every seed is unique.

Now, suppose the seeds are human beings.  Some seeds survive no matter what the environment or treatment they are given.  They grow up through obstacles and bear fruit.  Others can't endure such harsh conditions.  They become deformed, useless and are cast aside.  Some are just so delicate they were never meant to live on this earth, so they never grow up.

When you think about the conditions we need to grow into productive, competent members of society, it's pretty amazing how everything needs to be just right.  It's amazing how many things must be overcome.  Every seed planted is one God plants himself.  He knows about each one.  He knows that some have to fight off bugs, weeds and animals in order to survive.  He knows how hard it can be to be a decent human being.  It's nice to know that he is always rooting for us, no matter how old we are or what stage in development.  He gives us opportunities to be fertilized and weeded around.  He protects us from the one that wants to devour us.

I am thankful today for his green thumb.  I am thankful that he sees how I've grown and smiles as we do when we look at our garden.  And I am especially grateful today that he sends refreshing waters to feed my soul in the form of himself through others.  What a blessing.

There's so Much More

I am grateful for the things that happen in this life that make us appreciate the one to come.  The pain, uncertainty, confusion and ignorance can be used to focus on what is to come instead of the temporal. 

I am thankful that the life to come is endless bliss. 


I can't even fathom the lengths God has gone to make it uniquely perfect for each one of us. 

All of the "more" of this life means nothing compared to the riches to come.  It is all empty vanity.  What is priceless are our relationships, who we really are, what we do for the kingdom.

No matter the pain endured down here, it pales in comparison to the sweet relief of eternity.  An eternity filled with the bright light of Christ.  So, when you're feeling downtrodden and beaten down, remember there is great hope in the life to come.

This Ain't no Fairy Tale

I was just looking at a picture of my husband and I in front of the Eiffel Tower on our honeymoon.  We look happy and in love, without a care in the world.  If you looked at that picture you might see that.  And we were so in love and happy to be with one another.  But there is always more there than what a picture can capture.

A lot was going on at that time.  We were reeling from the stress of just 4 months to plan a wedding with very little money.  In the previous six months, we had lived in different states and traveled back and forth every weekend.  When we got engaged, I moved.  I had to find a job (which didn't happen until right before we got married) and ended up crashing with a friend.  My soon-to-be-spouse felt the burden of providing for me financially well before he was prepared to.  I got sued for a car accident that happened years before.  My step-dad was in declining health, and I was hoping he would have the strength to make the wedding.  Other unexpected stressors kept jabbing at our relationship from every side.  And to top it all off, I was trying to figure out how to fully trust a man-making the tension electrifying.

So much is unsaid on a daily basis.  There is so much going on in the lives of others that we really have no idea about.  I think back to those times, and how much understanding we both needed from others.  I think of the people that were so strong when I was not.  Like an amazing friend that became my maid of honor 2 days before the wedding when my best friend couldn't make it.  She even wore a dress I am sure she was not crazy about, but she did it.  She's the one that let me live with her for free, too.  This person has seen every side of bad and ugly I have, and is still one of my best friends in the world.  I foresee her being part of my life and vice versa as long as I am on this earth.

I am not always patient with others' shortcomings, even though I can excuse my own.  I think this is a fault we can all say we have.  Nevertheless, people need someone to give them a glimmer of hope when they are bogged down in worries.  They need genuine kindness and for others to look past behavior that is nasty.  The fuel for that behavior is the problem.  We all have to admit we consume that fuel that can turn us into the worst version of ourselves.  That isn't really us, though.  Hopefully, we can remember it works the same way for other people.  They just need some patience and understanding.

The Road Less Traveled

How can we be sure that the path we have chosen is the path we should be on?  Ever wonder what would happen if you had taken a different path?  If you had taken a different job, moved somewhere else, not been in certain relationships, or gone to school somewhere else?  Life would be completely different.

Hopefully, the road taken less is the road that isn't good or just not quite right.  Hopefully, we can have the foresight to see which path will lead to disaster or sometimes even worse, mediocrity.  And hopefully, if we are already on that path that was just easy to take or convienent, we gain the wisdom and muster the courage to get off of it.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't seem to get off of that road that is filled with less than what God wants for us.  We may see that it isn't right, but don't get off because there doesn't seem to be an alternative.  We may think it isn't that bad and convince ourselves we are happy, but deep down we want more.  We know we deserve more.  Or maybe, we just can't fathom what more could look like.  We may have never seen what a road that is foreign and looks scary can produce.  It's really a whole world of possibilites, adventures and renewed strength.

The road less traveled is hard.  It poses challenges we may believe we aren't ready to face.  It is painstakingly difficult at times, but the fruit of the determination to press forward...is so very sweet and amazing.  And God is right there to provide the courage we need to go into the unknown armed with all he has to offer.  He knows that we will never truly know ourselves until we get off of the road others have tread for us.  Until we decide to let him be the protector in this life.  Until we let him lead us through the vast regions of our souls.  I love it.  Life can be so exciting if we let it be!

Chasing Rainbows

I think it can feel like we spend our whole lives searching.  Searching for whatever may be at the end of that rainbow.  Something so beautiful must have a pot of gold at the end.

But, why don't we stop to bask in the rainbow's colors?  We are so determined that there is something else out there that will fulfill us that we miss the beauty surrounding us.  We miss the magic of the rainbow.  The unexpected pleasure it brings.  We miss the promise of God warming our hearts, because we just know there is something more.

The thing is...what we have is right now.  We have this moment.  To enjoy all that those vibrant colors mean, or to only think of what more it could bring. 

Those blues and greens mean that God is taking care of things.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  He's whispered those words to me in times of wondering what his purposes were.  He takes care of those that have passed on to heaven before us.  He makes them walk and talk more beautifully than the angels.  He gives them a new body.  He makes them what he always knew they were, but may never have been on this earth.  That is what the promise of the rainbow means to me personally.  It's 'never again' as God promised long ago.  Never again to flood my soul with sorrow such as that.  Hallelujah.  Never again.

It's Not Fair

Ever said that?  It may have been under your breath or at the top of your lungs.  I think we've all said it, thought it and believed it.

I said it earlier today about something I truly believe to be unfair.  As I began to brew, a positive thought popped in my head about the situation.  How annoying is that?  I am about to start my rant about how unfair this is when I am interrupted by the Holy Spirit's perfect timing.  I decided instead of ignoring that positive thought, that I would expound upon it.  I would think similar positive thoughts, and try to see the bright side.  I got out of my funk quickly.  More quickly than I usually do.

The fact of the matter is...life is never going to be fair.  That is just the way it is.  We are going to encounter unfair situations that leave us disappointed, angry and feeling helpless.  We can either brood over how wrong others are for what they are doing to us or what we have not received that we should, or be grateful for what we do have.  Because in reality, the person that seems to have the upper hand by treating us unfairly now, will inevitably lose their footing.  Because...that's just life. 

Sometimes, things aren't fair just because they don't seem fair to us.  No one is hurting us or intentionally trying to be unfair.  No, we just believe that if something is unfair, there must be someone to blame.  Whether that's God or some person in our lives.  But, we live in a very unfair world.  The sooner we accept that and focus on the positive, the happier we will be.  I know I have spent hours, days, even years ruminating over something that I felt was superbly unjust.  All of that livid pacing of the mind...it was a waste of time.  God never said life would be fair.  Wherever we got that idea, it's a lie.  He did say he would always be there for us.  Whatever that may mean.  He is on our side, and he tends to bless those that have been treated unfairly disproportionately.  We just have to wait and see...

"You look pretty today."

This morning my husband dropped me off at work, because he is going to work on my car today.  As I was getting ready to brace the rain and run to the door to unlock my office, he said, "You look pretty today".
He says that quite often, and I usually just give a little smile and force out a "thank you".  I still have a hard time taking compliments in.

As I started up my computer to begin my day, checked the calendar to see what was on the agenda and started to return messages, I thought about what he said again.  I got a warm feeling inside and an irrepressible smile crossed my face.  That little comment made my day start off so much better.  It gave me confidence.  Him seeing something about me that I do not always see makes me feel better about myself.  It makes me doubt all of those negative thoughts as women we tend to think about ourselves.  It makes me truly believe I am pretty on the outside and the inside.

Those little things are the things I love so much about him.  The ways he makes me feel like the most beautiful and special woman in the world.  Whether it's grabbing my waist to pull me closer when we are out and about or stroking my hair before we fall asleep at night; that's how I know.  He chose me.  I didn't just choose him.  He chose me, and he continues to choose me every day.  I love that.  I will never tire of being the one he wants to be with out of all of the women in the world.  Out of all of the women out there, I am the one he loves.  It makes me feel those things I felt in the beginning all over again.  I am a truly blessed woman to know love like this.

Decisions, Decisions...

I think some of the most rewarding times in my life were the ones wrought out of an agonizing decision.  When I finally got to the place of unwavering decisiveness, knowing that this decision was of God, the soothing, cool waters of the Holy Spirit tamed the fire that raged in my soul over that situation.  A peace flooded me that is indescribable.  I just knew I had done what was right.  He didn't need to, but God gave me that calm assurance that the pain of listening to his whispers would fade into a new, wide world of things I could not imagine. 

More than once in my life, I let go of something that I desperately wanted to hold onto, only to find that after I did, just around the corner, was a breath-taking view.  I may have been in pain afterwards, because any type of loss hurts, but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.  Situations still arise in which I have to realize that I do not need to keep trying to fix everything...or everybody.  A tall order for someone that likes order and control.

I think of all of the little decisions we make every day, too.  All of those little decisions move us just a little further one way or another.  No matter how minuscule they seem, each little decision builds up to a larger one.  Every one of them matters no matter how unimportant they seem.

Fear of Confrontation

I just had to put this picture up.  I know you guys feel like you need headphones a lot!  As a female, I concur that the wrath of a woman's scorn definitely needs to be muted by some nice tunes. 

But seriously, communication with anyone is hindered when one person thinks they are "discussing" an issue, but all they are doing is using a verbal mallet to try to beat the other person into submission.  This kind of confrontation only creates fear.  I think we can grow up learning it is better to avoid any sort of confrontation so you don't get yelled at.

How easy is it to feel fear or intimidation and quietly tuck your tail between your legs as you exit the back door trying to keep from being seen?  It is definitely less scary not to stand face to face with what frightens us.  We try to avoid conflict where we we could be lashed out at and hurt.  That seems normal.  What does bowing out gain, though?  When is it the right time to avoid confrontation, and when is the right time to embrace it?

Of course, it depends on the situation, but I think if you are trying to stealthily sneak away from it, you probably need to be facing it.  I know there are times when it really isn't a good idea to confront that person or issue at the moment.  In those times, you can feel it.  It just doesn't feel right.  You aren't necessarily scared of the confrontation, the time to open Pandora's box just hasn't arrived.  And when you do confront at the wrong time, it just gets more messy and confusing that it should.  We should never confront in anger or to be dominant.  But to face our fears and reveal the truth.  To bring about change and clarity.

I also think that the word confrontation gets a negative connotation when it shouldn't.  Confronting something doesn't mean you have to raise your voice or be foul.  No.  Confronting can be as sweet and gentle as a mother singing her baby to sleep.  You choose your words carefully and try to understand the point of view of others.  You may see the truth, but trying to shove that down someone's throat will make them see it even less, most likely.  To confront someone or something successfully, it should be well planned and thought out.  It should be done out of love.  That can be so very difficult when the reason we confront others is most likely due to our frustration and charged emotions.  That all has to be put aside.

We need to express what we think and feel without expecting it to necessarily be completely accepted.  We need to ask for input and others' opinions, because we may need to alter our view, also.  What I see that can be born of confrontation, is compromise.  Why can't we just sit down like rational people and not get stuck at the confronting part?  We seem to want to pitch a tent there instead of try to meet in the middle or just start over.

If you think about it, our days are filled with confrontations, big and small.  We may be worried about an impending confrontation, be surprised by one, or try to run away from one.  The longer we run from it though, the more stressful it gets.  Just because you don't talk about something, doesn't mean it disappeared.  No.  It's just under the surface being fed by pent up tension and fear.  Don't wait too long to talk about those problems that have been thrown under the rug.  They can turn into monsters that start to tear up your soul.