I Miss You

Missing my babies so terribly tonight, and praying fiercely for the one in my womb.  God, have mercy.  See the plight of one unworthy but covered in the blood of the Lamb.  

Thank you that we will see them again in our eternal resting place.

To Be, or Not to Be...

You know those times when your heart is so full-full of happiness or sadness or anger or...all of the above-that your brain just can't form words to truly express what's happening in there?

Yeah, that's where I'm at.

I find myself on the verge of tears, wanting to laugh out loud and scream all at the same time.  

Here, writing, seems to be the only safe place to express the true inner ruminations that could easily be viewed as diagnosable. 

So, I thank you for reading and caring and praying.  I open my heart up in a way that helps give me peace in a way that I know God designed.

Our latest outing with baby was to the ER.  Yes.  Just 3 days after we had a great doctor's visit, saw the baby, no problems...there I was bleeding heavily.  

Stunned.  Scared.
Wondering...why?

"Why God?"

"Why would we come this far, to lose the baby now?  I know you are good and love me...but I don't understand this."

I cuddled tightly to Sarah as what I hoped would get better, didn't.  I sat on the kitchen floor watching her cook me plastic food when tears started streaming down my face.  And then the inclination came.

After we had our service in the mountains for the babies in heaven, we always sang It is Well with My Soul.  Standing over those little graves, I thought of seeing them again as the notes rose into the sky.

My mind went back to those moments.  I wasn't thinking. "My baby is gone."  No, I was thinking, "God knows what is best.  He takes care of all of our babies."

As I sat there, watching my little girl play so happily, a half smile spread across my face as I sang this beautiful song-the tears rolling over my quivering lips.  

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. It is well with my soul,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
4. 
   

We went to the ER that day.  I was a bit apathetic about it.  So much has happened.  I know that things can very quickly change. I have learned more so not to take anything for granted. 

Thankfully, we had wonderful staff at the ER, barely any wait and the baby looked great.

The diagnosis was a hemorrhage, which I had already and thought had healed.

The next day at church, tears came again as we sang that familiar hymn.

It is well. 

Yes.  It is well with my soul, Lord.

Are We There Yet? Early Days with Baby #4.

The news of baby #4's existence was a surprise...a very pleasant surprise.  On the heels of a painful miscarriage came the news of a new baby.

6 weeks

Within a week of finding out, I found myself preparing to miscarry again.  I started bleeding, and more than a little.  I came to accept the fact that this could happen and waited for it to get worse.  But it didn't.  It got better over that weekend.

At our already scheduled appointment that Monday morning, we saw the tiniest little being whose heart was flickering like a beacon of light on the large screen in front of us.  There was no explanation for the bleeding. 

I left so relieved, and hopeful.  

And scared.

7 weeks

As the days passed,  I continued to be cautiously excited.  Some spotting continued here and there. At the next appointment, we saw a strong heartbeat.  

But there was a clot.
Blood/bleeding showed up next to the baby. The doctor said that these resolve themselves in 90% of cases.

Having our recent past in the forefront of my mind, I was very unsettled with these odds. The doctor read the concern on my face and scheduled another ultrasound when it wasn't necessary.  For this, I am so thankful and absolutely love this doctor so far.

Thankfully, that ultrasound was perfect.  The ultrasound tech first checked to see a heartbeat which was evident.  She zoomed in on this little miracle.  Little arms and legs wiggled around as she let us hear one of the most beautiful sounds on this earth.  

9 weeks

The sound of a child's heart.  

After the tech left the room, I broke out in sobs. Weeks of wondering got answered in the matter of a few moments.

There was no bleeding.  No clot.  I'm pretty sure it passed the night before.  That tiny little thing caused me so much grief as it rested beside a tiny little being that brought me so much joy.

A few days after that, the nurse called saying I need to take an antibiotic to eradicate bacteria seen in my urine.  Sigh.  I thought.  "Can I just get through this pregnancy without something else happening?"  I realize this problem seems insignificant.  

Keep in mind...I've been to that doctor's office almost every week, sometimes twice, since mid August.  It's exhausting, and I just want everything to be okay for awhile.

So, here we are.  We're a few weeks away from the end of the first trimester, and honestly, I'm very ready to get there.  I'm ready to get to the end of the pregnancy and hold my baby.  I loved being pregnant with Sarah, and I'm praying I will truly start to love being pregnant with this baby.

Just because I'm pregnant again, doesn't mean I've stopped grieving the child we lost just months ago. It's so different this time.  Different than it was after we lost our first child.  It's confusing.  

I am elated that the baby I carry now is doing well.  Yet, my heart still hurts missing the child that resided in the same place a short time ago.

I am thankful for new revelations in my heart this year that have helped me prepare for our circumstances.  I have learned, and continue to, what God's grace really means.  What his sacrifice means.  The all-encompassing covering of his redemption.  I have to thank Eric for leading our family to a church that has taught me so much.

I've come to realize that "giving it to God", "letting go" and "just trusting Him" are not ways that are natural to me.  When people say to do those things, I've always felt helpless and thought, "Okay so, how do I do that?"

I'm thankful God doesn't require me to do anything at all before I talk to him.  I've always believed that there was something wrong with me if I was worrying, not able to be free from the burdens of life.  But, there isn't.  It's a normal human condition, that even Christ felt the weight of.  Yet, He knew how to pray.  

I am learning that I don't have to feel guilty, because I can't "let go".  No, I need to pray!  I need to open myself up to God and be vulnerable.  I need to talk to Him about it, because he is the only one that can sufficiently carry my burdens.  I don't have to figure out a way to let go of something inconceivable to me in order to please God.  No, he loves me as I am, where I am and in what state I am.  

Christ is well acquainted with grief.  He knew sorrow to a depth far reaching my understanding.  I can spout nonsense, and he makes sense of it all.  My journey is not about what I have done on my own for God.  No, it's about His love that covers, renews, enlightens and ultimately brings glory to the name that is above all names.

I will continue to share our story as Miracle Baby Russell grows.  I included the pictures, because it amazes me to see how intricately God creates us in such a short time.  Just astounding and touching.  Our God is so great.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support.  It means so very much to us.