I've been putting off writing this. But I really need to. Not just for myself, but for others that read and need to know that someone else in this world feels the same way.
I love Christmas. I love the carols, lights, the excitement, the smell of a fresh cut tree and making Christmas cookies that never quite come out looking like reindeer but some sort of blob with antlers.
With that said, this Christmas, I find myself just wanting it to be over. I still love all of those things. I mostly love seeing my daughter enjoy looking at our tree and participate in the fun holiday activities. I am not enjoying it the way she is, though. I wish I were.
I miss the baby that I would be 27 weeks pregnant with right now. I miss so much of what I don't get to experience with that child. And I feel very alone in this.
Life goes on. But, the pain is real. It's hard to resume normal activities and be blissfully happy during the holidays-even if you're pregnant again.
Every child is important and loved. If a child died of parents who had several children, would the parents cease to mourn if another child came into the family?
I feel as though people forget that my child died. They never got to know them. Never saw them, and therefore, don't miss them in the same way.
I intensely miss my baby.
I carried that child. I talked to, sang to, prayed for, and hoped for that child. I felt the signs of life in my body-and the signs of death. My arms still ache from the emptiness. My soul grieves.
It's as though you are shown something so fantastically beautiful you can't take your eyes off of it. It creates something wonderful in you as you take in it's magnificence. But it is suddenly taken away-without explanation. You are left stunned. Dumbfounded, and deeply saddened.
So, the holidays aren't exactly super fun this year. Although, I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life, I still have the right to be sad.
Even if people don't understand.
If a loved one passes away, family and friends can reminisce about them at the holidays. Cry with each other. Comfort one another.
But, this is different. Because a loved one that no one knew was lost.
No one knew the baby in the same way the mother did. There is a degree of separation others have from the pain, that I almost envy. That creates an intense sense of isolation.
I am pregnant again. I am thankful for this baby that looks to be okay so far. It was touch and go there for a few months. And, I will most likely never fully feel at ease the rest of the pregnancy.
However, I take each day as it comes. Good or bad. Whether I'm crying about what has or may happen or busying myself with other things. I ask God to have mercy. I feel wholly inadequate that he forgives my screw ups and lack of faith so completely and lovingly. Yet, he does. It is often more difficult to accept that fact than to focus on how you'll never measure up. It is so much better to focus on the Christ that saved the world by entering it as a helpless child. With a word, he saves, calms, forgives and transforms.
The fact that he even blessed me with the knowledge of the 2 babies we lost, is beyond gracious. I am so happy we will be reunited in heaven. I can't wait to hug them so tight for about 1,000 years!
I thank God for being separated from his Son while he was on this earth and the cross. For going through the ultimate separation when Jesus endured hell for us. He watched his Son die the ultimate death.
Although, I don't understand why this grief is mine for this lifetime, I know there is a plan far reaching my understanding. I know my God grieves with me as well.
That all may know him-no matter the cost.
I love Christmas. I love the carols, lights, the excitement, the smell of a fresh cut tree and making Christmas cookies that never quite come out looking like reindeer but some sort of blob with antlers.
With that said, this Christmas, I find myself just wanting it to be over. I still love all of those things. I mostly love seeing my daughter enjoy looking at our tree and participate in the fun holiday activities. I am not enjoying it the way she is, though. I wish I were.
I miss the baby that I would be 27 weeks pregnant with right now. I miss so much of what I don't get to experience with that child. And I feel very alone in this.
Life goes on. But, the pain is real. It's hard to resume normal activities and be blissfully happy during the holidays-even if you're pregnant again.
Every child is important and loved. If a child died of parents who had several children, would the parents cease to mourn if another child came into the family?
I feel as though people forget that my child died. They never got to know them. Never saw them, and therefore, don't miss them in the same way.
I intensely miss my baby.
I carried that child. I talked to, sang to, prayed for, and hoped for that child. I felt the signs of life in my body-and the signs of death. My arms still ache from the emptiness. My soul grieves.
It's as though you are shown something so fantastically beautiful you can't take your eyes off of it. It creates something wonderful in you as you take in it's magnificence. But it is suddenly taken away-without explanation. You are left stunned. Dumbfounded, and deeply saddened.
So, the holidays aren't exactly super fun this year. Although, I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life, I still have the right to be sad.
Even if people don't understand.
If a loved one passes away, family and friends can reminisce about them at the holidays. Cry with each other. Comfort one another.
But, this is different. Because a loved one that no one knew was lost.
No one knew the baby in the same way the mother did. There is a degree of separation others have from the pain, that I almost envy. That creates an intense sense of isolation.
I am pregnant again. I am thankful for this baby that looks to be okay so far. It was touch and go there for a few months. And, I will most likely never fully feel at ease the rest of the pregnancy.
However, I take each day as it comes. Good or bad. Whether I'm crying about what has or may happen or busying myself with other things. I ask God to have mercy. I feel wholly inadequate that he forgives my screw ups and lack of faith so completely and lovingly. Yet, he does. It is often more difficult to accept that fact than to focus on how you'll never measure up. It is so much better to focus on the Christ that saved the world by entering it as a helpless child. With a word, he saves, calms, forgives and transforms.
The fact that he even blessed me with the knowledge of the 2 babies we lost, is beyond gracious. I am so happy we will be reunited in heaven. I can't wait to hug them so tight for about 1,000 years!
I thank God for being separated from his Son while he was on this earth and the cross. For going through the ultimate separation when Jesus endured hell for us. He watched his Son die the ultimate death.
Although, I don't understand why this grief is mine for this lifetime, I know there is a plan far reaching my understanding. I know my God grieves with me as well.
That all may know him-no matter the cost.
