You Should Know Better. You Were Raised in Church!

Growing up going to church 3+ times per week, I was exposed to lots of singing of hymns, praise and worship and countless sermons.  There were Easter Cantatas, Christmas musicals and Vacation Bible School every year not to mention ministry teams, visitation and Bible studies on a weekly basis.  There was a lot of "church activity" in my life.

With all of this religion filling my days, some good foundations were set and some not so good foundations were also erected.  I realized recently that I still have the mentality that I should know better than to sin or make mistakes.  After all,  I memorized all of the books of the Bible and countless verses before I was 10.  I sat nice and quietly in church.  I tried to do my devotions, went on missions trips and devoted my time and resources to the church for decades.  I really should know better than to be having any sort of trouble with old sins, lack of faith or fear.  Why was I not instantly trusting God?  I should be happy and full of faith all of the time like a good Christian.

I found that I was rebuking myself for having any type of difficulty with belief that God had already forgiven me and loves me.  I was placing myself in another category where I didn't think God could reach me.  Sure, he can forgive the prostitute and drug addict.  They don't know any better. How could he forgive the lifelong, card-carrying church member that certainly knew better than to question God?

I was putting myself in a higher place than I ought.  It's a place that God does not reside.  Peter, the rock of the church, certainly should have known better than deny Christ.  David and Abraham had very dark days despite being God's men.  Why should I tell God, he can't forgive me or help me?  Why should I tell him that I need to get myself together, and then I will present myself to him?  If a godless man can present himself to Christ just as he is, why can't I?  Why must I feel the need to "put on my Sunday best" before letting myself be seen by God?  How silly when God sees us all of the time!

I think I believed "being good" would make me closer to God or make him love me more somehow.  I never saw people at church that were all cleaned up talk about their struggles.  It's nice to know that even though we may cover up the smell and dirt with Sunday clothes, God still loves us.  He invites us not to pretend anymore.  I am very thankful for that.  He will patiently help us truly be clean by taking the time to wash every blemish away until we are whole.  I thank God this Easter Day for a Savior that loves a child who still goes her own way apart from him.  He still calls her home to clean up the mess she has made.  Hallelujah, He is Risen!

The Daffodil and the Rose

For the past three years, March 29th has been a day laced with sadness as we think of the little baby that died in my womb.  Although we are still saddened by the memories surrounding this anniversary and the days following, we have something miraculous to look forward to this year.  Another baby is on the way, and will arrive very soon!

I was looking in the mirror last night at my belly in absolute awe.  I just kept wondering, "Am I really 9 months pregnant?  Has God truly blessed me?  Is this all a dream?"  I guess there is a part of me that is waiting to wake up.  It is so amazing to think that there is a little human being created by the hands of the Father of all...sleeping, hearing my voice, sucking her thumb, and rolling around in there.

God continually reminds me that he keeps his promises.  I worry if this baby will live...even at this late stage in the game.  It really isn't my call.  I know that whether she lives here or in heaven, she will be his.  I also know that each second we have with her, I will cherish so much more now that I know the pain of never knowing our first child.

Daffodils are usually one of the first flowers of Spring to bloom.  When we lost the first baby, I had found one by itself in the woods the day she left us.  I also witnessed a little girl giving her Daddy a Daffodil at the airport as she greeted him when he arrived home.  I believe God was showing me that we would one day meet her, and she was safe with her Father in heaven.

It's funny how the flower theme transferred as we began thinking of names for this child.  We are naming the new baby Sarah Rose.  Rose is a family name honoring a great grandmother that is in heaven.  It is also symbolic of the resurrection of Christ.  The first baby left us on Good Friday.  The rose symbolizes the life this baby will bring.  It is symbolic to me of the blood Christ spilled for us (color) and the pain endured (thorns) in order for us to know the beauty of the rose.

I feel blessed to know I will one day meet a child I once carried who now lives in heaven, and within a few weeks, I will also meet another child whose destiny was to live here on earth.  God began teaching us how to be good parents long before now.  We had to learn to let go of expectations and any right to any child with whom God chooses to bless us.

Although I am sad today, the resurrection is just a few days away!  I can't imagine the pain God felt as he watched his son die a horrific death.  It was all to save an undeserving people.  I pray that we can place God's will above our own desires as parents and that we will raise a child who would make the ultimate sacrifice, whatever that may be, if called to do so.