Stopping to See the Joy of Motherhood

This evening, I sat outside in the grass watching my baby girl put rocks in a Tupperware container and throw them out over and over again.  She squealed with delight like it was a new celebration every time.  I looked over grinning at her as the sun crept down into the sky.

Just minutes before this, I couldn't stop thinking about the two-week high grass that blew in the wind, our mammoth hedges and garden that sat plowed but seedless for weeks.  I was embarrassed that our yard looked this way.  I even commented to a neighbor how the grass was going to be mowed soon as she was taking a break from mowing her own yard.

Yet, watching my daughter get joy from a Tupperware dish and rocks, changed my mindset.  I thought about all of the busyness around me.  I could hear lawn mowers and weed eaters doing their jobs to tidy up unkempt lawns.  It dawned on me how my daughter has forced me to slow down.  I couldn't do yard work right now or any other work that required my full attention.  I have to watch her, and watching her has forced me to really see her.  I have seen the little person she is becoming and the discoveries she makes every day.  Really being with her and seeing who she is has also forced me to stop being so busy.  I would rather tickle her and play peek-a-boo than cut the grass sooner.  I don't want to miss one hug or kiss, because some menial task is taking my attention away.

There have been years when no little one has graced our home and there will be years to come when she will be gone.  Those are times to get the yard looking nice, the house decorated just the way I want it and to pursue career advancement.  Right now though, she is way too important to stress myself over things that really don't matter in the light of eternity.  I am a mother.  Now that statement has eternal significance.  That statement bears the weight and seriousness of a true calling.

I don't know why I am a mother and others are not, but I can assure those who yearn to hold a child in their arms; I do not in any way take motherhood for granted.  I hold each hug a few more seconds, breathe her in and kiss her again.  I hold her little hand when we snuggle and pray over her every night.  She knows her Mommy loves her.  It is a job I take very seriously.

With that being said, everything isn't done around the house.  I deemed it more important to spend the evening cuddling with my baby, reading her stories and helping her fall asleep.  My heart is full. It was a good shift.  

I'm Only Human; My Journey Reconciling Grace and Works

I wish I could get everything straight in my head.  It's like a squiggly line of tangled confusion.  My view, my acceptance of God.  It is anything but clear right now.  It is anything but easy to follow or even look at.  I have for so long required God to do what I want before I accept him.  It is daunting to realize the pain I have caused him; the distance I have ensured.

It began in my infancy.  It began in yours, too.  Our moral compass began to form as we first tried to defy adults around us.  Their response to this sinful nature, began our journey.

I learned early on that being "good" paid off.  If I was good, meaning if I followed directions given to me by adults (parents, school teachers, babysitters, Sunday school teachers, the bus driver), I would be rewarded with their favor.  To me, this also translated into believing that if I were good enough, I would merit their love.  If I was perfect enough, if I was quiet enough, stood in line straight enough, got perfect grades and perfect attendance, I would be loved.  Otherwise, I was barely noticed.

Those pats on the head, verbal inflations of the heart, sustained me until I would need the next fix. Does that seem sad?  An 8 year old girl only felt acceptance and love when she was told she met someone else's expectations?  Maybe not.  I think a lot of us were never told, verbally or non verbally, that no matter what we did or didn't do...we were loved.

I learned from church that I was so bad, Jesus had to die for me, but I never quite got the memo that my "badness" was washed away by the shedding of his blood.  I heard this message, but the expectation rang louder that good kids act a certain way and Jesus isn't pleased if you don't. If I were to be a good Christian, I had to be good all the time.  That's the problem...I could never attain this. There was a distinct separation between good kids and the bad kids.  I grew up believing that being good meant pleasing others, and this was the only way to be accepted.  I became like a mouse scurrying on a wheel in a cage.  I could never quite grasp the total acceptance and love I yearned to know.

So now, I ponder the meaning of grace.  I find myself grappling with the notion that I am wholly accepted and the debt is paid.  I don't have to do anything anymore.  I keep wondering what the catch is.  I know there is none, but my heart is waiting for God to be like everyone else; waiting for the fine print to be read where I must perform so that he will love me.

I sit here trying to stop believing that even Jesus wants more from me than I can give.  How very crucial it is not to teach our children that their worth is based on works.  Their worth is in their being.  In being a human being created by an almighty God whose sins have been paid for.  Yes, flawed.  Yes, a mess at times...but forgiven.  Truly loved...when acting morally and not.

I sit here reflecting on my many works done in the name of God grieving the fact that only a handful were done graciously, in the name of Christ.  How I have squandered time and resources so that I could distance myself from God-getting my high from meeting the expectations of others and ignoring God, because he didn't do what I expected of him.  How childish.

I digress.  These misgivings are forgiven.  These sins of pride and foolishness are wiped away by the blood of the Savior.  What a blessed gift.

You're Turning One Today

It seems we just brought you home,

Our tiny bundle
The most beautiful thing we'd ever seen

Was born along with the flowers of Spring.

You've been so smart-

Right from the start.

You explore and investigate

The curiosities of this world.

Your beauty is unsurpassed,

The longer one looks,

The more they gasp.  

Your sense of humor

Makes everyone laugh.
You are such a happy, silly child.

We stop in our tracks

When you flash

that infectious smile.

You are determined and strong-

Attributes that will help you

When life seems so wrong.

Life will never be the same

Because you are here.

It is more vivid-bright.

Full of light.







We will never forget

The day you were born.

When we first caught a glimpse

Of the face 

We would forever adore.

               Happy Birthday Baby.

                       We love you.