The Face We Share on Social Media

I'm a mom of 3 young kids, and many of my Facebook friends have kids as well.  It's fun glancing at birthday pictures, kids smiling and having fun at carnivals, hayrides and on vacations.  My newsfeed often has pictures of little ones who have made a mess with the parent making a joke in the caption or hashtags.

Kids are awesome.  They are beautiful little beings that God created by his own hand.  It's a miracle.  They are little miracles.

But, here's the thing.  Those little miracles are born with a sin nature, and social media rarely captures that sin nature as it truly exists and intertwines with ours as parents.

You don't really see pictures of parents who have gotten to their wits end, locked themselves in the bathroom with headphones in while a toddler and preschooler fight, kick and scream outside the door.  If you do, there is usually a joke made about it.

Reality.  Reality is that it is no joke.  It sucks when you get to that point.  It is SOOOOO hard.  You want to cry, scream and sleep all at the same time.  You give, give and give, and then you just have nothing left anymore, but there's still 5 hours until bedtime.  Reality is that if you don't get help, a break or change in the amount of time you have to care for these little beings, you will plummet to a very dark, terrible place.  We've made light of it via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Sanpchat, and it's pretty messed up how social media has become such a contrived, unrealistic world we immerse ourselves in.

There's a disconnect.  You see posts about postpartum depression, but the link between bringing that baby home and how you got there is skipped over.  We joke about the in between stage when someone could really be helped. I'm not just talking about mothers.  Dads need help, too.  They are often working their butts off to come home to screaming kids, staying up for feedings, changing peed beds and being the monster catcher at night.

This is when parents need intervention.  Day after day of no sleep, making meals, cleaning up meals, breaking up fights, cleaning up mess after mess, changing diapers, having little knees and elbows dig into you and literally not being able to say much of anything without whining or arguing wears you dowwwwwn!

We often make a joke about things that are difficult in order to bypass the real frustration and possible pain associated with what's happening.  Our self sufficient society is not healthy.  We NEED each other.  We have become so conditioned to rely on ourselves, that suicide rates and depression just keep getting worse.

God created us to live in community, to uplift, support and pray with one another.  Yet, there is so much brokenness that we don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with those that are supposed to be safe.  We don't know how to be in deep, connected relationships with other people, and oftentimes when that type of relationship is sought, we freeze out of fear.

There is no quick fix when it comes to relationships.  It takes hard, determined work to navigate the pathways that lead to true, honest and deep relationships.  In this instant potato society we live in, I just don't think we're really willing most of the time to cut up the potatoes when the fake potatoes will take half the time.  Where's the authenticity, though?  Where's the real taste?  It's not there.  We're left feeling empty and unsatisfied.

Our relationships have become contrived and fake.  Our kids are learning from a very young age how to pose and what to write that will be accepted by the world.  We've created another level of distance from one another being separated by a screen.  We can't see the other person.   We can't hear the tone of their voice.  On top of that, our deficiencies in writing skills make genuine written communication that of a small child.

It seems we are moving further and further away from healthy relationships.  Pseudo relationships are formed via the internet, and when we do actually see people face to face, we don't really know how to handle direct confrontation.  Yet internet arguments are the norm.  The art of healthy communication is dying.  Maybe it always has been, and the internet is just a boost in the direction of isolation and pretentiousness that we had already embraced.

Whatever the case, the move toward what is not of God, disconnectedness, is speedily on the rise.  I heard a commercial recently describing a new robot.  It's one that was stated to express feelings and one that humans could form a "deep relationship" with over time.  What?!

What is foreseen is a robot who will not challenge us as humans do.  We won't have to learn humility in relationships.  We won't have to grow and change for the better.  Being placated by a machine that simulates a human further keeps us from knowing others and is a LIE!  It essentially keeps us from knowing God as he designed us to live in community with one another through trials, weaknesses, triumphs and pain.

We need Jesus.  We need one another.  Yet, the undertow is ever increasing toward a world that is ignorantly drowning.  Come, Lord Jesus.  Come.

This is Why I Run

Do you remember having to run the mile in gym class?  In about middle school, I remember dreading this day!  I never saw the point of running in a circle over and over again.  I didn't particularly enjoy running and was more interested in boys and what my friends were wearing that day.  I would have chosen to do a week of extra homework over running the mile.

Then, at the end of high school, I had a Forrest Gump moment.  I just decided to step out of my house one day and start running.   I don't know why.  That first run wasn't very far.  It wasn't very fast, and I was panting like a dog on a summer's day when I got back home walking through the house like a zombie desperate to make it to the kitchen for some water.  Yet, there it was.  My first, intentional run.

I didn't stick to running consistently, but my relationship with running outdoors had begun.  By the end of my twenties I had picked up running again and began running in some races.  I remember stopping quite a few times when I know I could have pushed forward.  Right before I found out I was pregnant with our daughter, I ran a 5 miler, and that was the last race I would run until this past weekend just over 6 years later.  I am older and have had children, yet I ran with more ease, confidence and in better time than the younger me.  I am a very different person now, and it's nice to see that person is someone closer to who I know God made me to be in him.

So, why the void for those years?  Well, I had 3 kids and a miscarriage during that time.  I battled depression with a husband gone for work much of the time.  Me-didn't really exist until recently.  My need to make everyone OK around me, to be the perfect mom, to make everything good was getting the best of me again after the birth of my son.  I wanted to avoid that pit of despair I've known quite intimately before.  After months of sleep deprivation and the realization that I had to do something for me to help my family, I started running.  I knew that I wasn't just running to lose the baby weight.  I wasn't going to run just to say, "I'm a runner".  I wasn't going to run just for me.  No, it was ultimately for my family.  I needed to be get healthy physically, emotionally and mentally.  I knew that running was going to help me do that.  I knew that the better gift for my family would be to run as opposed to running around the house like a chicken with it's head cut off.

When I run, so much happens.  What is not supposed to be tangled up inside, starts to unravel.  I have to think about breathing, to breathe deeply and purposely.  I have to keep telling myself to go even when the incline is steep, my legs are burning and my side is aching.  I wipe the sweat off, and keep moving.  I make goals and literally chase them.  I can see why the Bible uses the runner as an example of our life with him.

I am not running away from anything.  I am running toward something.  I am moving forward by the grace of God.  What a blessing to move forward with his hand gently pushing me.  What a blessing not to get stuck or to get stuck and get out of that pit, because all of my strength comes from him.

On My Run Today...

The scenery is beautiful when I run.
The trees sway back and forth in the wind.
The sun beams down on the earth warming and brighteneing everything it touches.
Wild roses cascade over a fence to say hello.
Mirrors of dew on the grass reflect the big world above.

But these aren't the only beautiful things I see.
I see people.
I see people showing kindness.
They smile, say hello and wave as I run past.
In their cars, they motion for me to cross the street.

They are young.
They are old.
They are somewhere in between.
They have dark skin.
They have light skin.
They are somewhere in between.
They have money.
They don't have money.
They are somewhere in between.
I see people.

As I finish my run, and turn onto my street,
I am at peace.
I am at home on this street.

My neighbors smile and wave as I pass by.
Some have light skin.
Some have dark skin.
Some are in between.
Some are young.
Some are old.
Some are in between.

My heart swells knowing that kindness and decency truly does exist.
I see the truth as I run.
I see God's creation.
Made in his image-
All of us needing our savior,
One not better than another.
I see people.
I see the fingerprints of God.

Kids are NOT Resilient!

I'm sure you've heard, as I have, that kids are resilient.  Usually one says this when discussing a hardship the child may be going through or has endured.  They are reflecting on the seeming lack of sadness or bad behavior they observe from the child though they may just had a parent or loved one die, gone through a big change such as moving or had their parents divorce.

I have heard this and always inwardly rolled my eyes as it is such a scapegoat for us as adults.  I can't see it, so it's not there, right?  If these circumstances would cause an adult to have a hard time, how much MORE will a child have a hard time?  Just because that child does not have the vocabulary or emotional capacity to express their grief, anger and pain as an adult, does not mean they do not HURT! 

The reality is that we as adults don't want to think about the difficult circumstance.  We don't want to acknowledge it.  We want to pretend it's not there, so that we can go on with life.  Yet, in so doing, we are pretending our children are not there.  We are ignoring their PAIN!  If they fell off of the monkey bars and broke their arm, wouldn't we immediately take them to the emergency room.  Why, oh why then do we ignore the brokenness of their hearts!  We leave them alone in their misery, scared, alone and confused.  The breaks are not as instant as a fall, yet they are there compounding and getting infected while we go around telling people how resilient they are.

I wonder how often we actually sit down and talk to our children about more than what they learned at school that day or their upcoming ball game.  They are not going to talk in adult terms, but they most certainly will be honest most of the time if they feel safe enough to do so.  Why should they express their pain to us if we've made it clear through our inattention and dismissal that sharing negative or painful emotions is not welcome?

I pray to God, so earnestly, that my children will ALWAYS know that they can express their pain, even if I'm the culprit.  It is a very sad, lonely and desolate existence to feel that no one really wants to hear about the wounds of your soul, particularly your own parents.  May God have mercy on us all as we navigate these waters in the hopes of raising healthy individuals.

On the Road Again; My life as a Trucker's Wife

I had no idea.  I couldn't even begin to fathom what others were talking about when they told me their spouse was gone for extended periods of time.  There was a nodding of my head, furrowed brow, concerned look and probably some sort of comment like, "I don't know how your do it!".

No, I had no idea what it was really like.  You just can't understand such a life until you've lived it, I guess.  It's like you're looking at someone in a glass tank full of water.  You're not sure how they're holding their breath for so long without any help.  You watch, fascinated for awhile, and then walk on by.

I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be home with my babies.  No more juggling my work schedule with my husband's work schedule.  No more Mommy guilt when I had to be at work, and no more professional guilt for thinking about my baby the whole time I was at work.  Nope.  I thought that my husband getting his CDL would provide the income we needed while I stayed home when our babies were small.

It did.  We certainly didn't have a lot of extra money, but I didn't have to work.  Every day I was with my little ones.

There were a few things I didn't count on, though.

1.) I didn't realize how intensely I would miss my husband.

My partner, my best friend and the love of my life was gone.  He wasn't there next to me when I woke in the middle of the night.  He wasn't there to see our children do funny, little things every day or get bigger as they do so quickly early on.  Phone conversations were usually short, interrupted and often frustrating due to noise on both ends.  When he did get home, he was exhausted.  It took both of us a full day or more to recuperate.  We weren't connecting.  We were barely surviving.  This life takes a hit on your marriage, and not a BB gun hit...a grenade hit.

2.) I had no idea I would sink into Postpartum Depression.

I wasn't counting on getting sad and anxious.  I didn't think that now that I was with my babies, I would snap at them, because of something I didn't even realize was going on.  I had no idea this would last until my youngest daughter was nearly a year old.  I had envisioned being the sweetest, kindest mother who baked cookies, played games, took my kids on educational outings and never lost it.  How unrealistic is that?!

3.)  I didn't realize how lonely I would become.

There was not much help or support.  It felt like I was woken up from a dead sleep to be thrown into cold water with two little ones in my arms.  I was shocked, disoriented and scared.  It often felt that there was no on else on the face of the earth who could truly see our situation.  Thank God there was one friend that I knew and saw every now and then who had the same situation.  She was the only one that understood the stress.  She was the only one that knew that this was a chosen life, but a supremely difficult life.

4.)  I had no idea that I'd learn so much.

Although this has been one of the most difficult times of my life, I have also learned more in the past few years about myself than ever before.  I have learned never to say never.  I will never again say in disdainful disgust that I would never do something another parent has done.  How arrogant?!  The answer to the question, "How could someone do that?" is simple.  Because they are fallen.  I am fallen and no better than that person.  There is plenty of evil that my heart is capable of, and under the right circumstances, I will act upon the grossness that is my sin nature.  I've learned to admit my faults more, especially to my children and to keep being honest and open no matter the circumstances.

5.)  I have never prayed so hard or so much.

I was raised to pray, but oftentimes stressful situations put you in a place of such despair, that you cry out to God more-and more intensely.  I have prayed every day that my husband would stay safe.  I have prayed that people around him would put their cell phones down.  I have prayed that he wouldn't blow a tire, and end up in an accident in the middle of the interstate.  I've prayed that God would bring him back home safely to us, over and over again.  I have prayed that God would protect me and my children as we are back home without him.  I have prayed that the Holy Spirit would comfort us all when we would be crying and out of sorts the day he leaves.  I asked God to give me what I needed to take care of very small children by myself as I'm sleep deprived and literally aching physically and emotionally.  I have failed miserably at the task of being a wife and mother and asked for forgiveness so many times a day.  I have seen my sinful heart more, and seen my need for my Savior in a way I never did before.

Grace is a magnificent gift that I do not take for granted.  Throw in some mercy, and I'm crying like a baby before the Lord.  Praise God for his love towards us.  Praise God for his perfect plans.

Knee Deep in Manure

I'm typing while a baby snoozes in my lap and two slightly older children are in the next room wrestling.  I periodically hear things falling to the floor as they laugh and scream.  I know these are just some of the things I'll miss. 
I'll miss not being able to hold them and see their chest rise and fall with every precious breath. 
I'll miss not hearing them say, "I love you Mommy" sporadically throughout the day.
I'll miss when they walk up to me after they've done their make up and they resemble some sort of ancient warrior.
I'll miss looking back in the rear view mirror to see them holding hands across their car seats.
I'll miss slobbery baby kisses and tiny toothed grins.
Oh, I'll miss that smell...that one of a kind baby smell that makes the worst day brighter.
I'll miss watching their eyes light up as they learn something new.

I write this on a day that's been taxing and trying.  It's the type of day when I need these reminders as a parent, because these precious little ones are testing my patience (every 2 minutes or so at times) when I've had very little sleep, no adult interaction or support and not enough coffee.  Being a parent is not sunshine and roses all of the time.  Those roses need some manure to make them grow so beautifully, and oftentimes, you find yourself knee deep in it before there's ever a bloom.  If there ever was a dirty job, this is it, but the reward is oh so breathtaking!

Hey Dad, It's been Awhile

It's been 28 years since my father's death.  I've danced with every imaginable emotion over and again as I process his death through every stage of life.  God has brought me to a place of understanding that has been painful and beautiful as I continue on this journey of life at an age when he had already left.

I've come to know how one could succumb to such a fate.  I've come to realize how futile judgement is. I've come to intimately know the darkness he knew.  I've also seen how light can emerge out of nowhere to save me.  I've seen God's hand reach down and pick me up from the pit.

I raise my glass to you Dad.  I'm sorry your life ended as it did.  I'm sorry you were so tormented in this life.  I hope that my life will continue to follow the light and that my children will know a different life.  I pray for hope to keep me afloat. 

I wish you had known peace...but maybe you didn't so that I could.  Maybe your tragic ending has been part of the reason I have the life I do.  I don't know whether you are in the depths of darkness now or not, but though you seemed a monster in this life, God still loves you.  You have children and grandchildren that God takes care of with such gentleness and kindness.  What you could not do, he does. 

Maybe someday I'll know the real you, but if I never do, all is well with my soul.  I have a Father who has given me his name, his favor, his love and his protection.  

Advice for New Moms

I remember playing with baby dolls as a young girl knowing that this is wanted I wanted to do when I grew up.  Above all else, I wanted to be a Mommy.  Sure, I wanted to see the world and have a career, but I knew in my heart, at a very young age, that the job that would be most important would be Motherhood.

So, when I was pregnant with our daughter, I was elated.  My pregnancy was relatively easy and delivery was quick.  Now, the parenting began.  While we were in the hospital, I called the nurses in the room every hour it seems with questions.  They were very kind and gracious although I know they had to be a bit annoyed!  I wanted to do everything right.  This was our precious little angel after all, and the pressure to be the best parent ever was there from the start.


Once we were home with her, it was our job to figure everything out, and we fumbled our way through. It was harder than we ever could have imagined, yet it was sweeter than we ever could have imagined.  I read parenting advice from every source I could get my hands on.  How do we get her to sleep?  What helps with teething?  How and when should we introduce solids? What's the best way to wean?  Yep, that first year was filled with questions and answers we had to figure out by trial and error.  I realized that my child is not going to necessarily be like the average, and we have to find what works for our family.

Time has passed, and two more babies have been
born.  Though I am far from a veteran at parenting, I've started learning the value of not sweating the small stuff.  It's hard for a Type A person like myself to just "let go", but it really is so much more enjoyable.  There are SO many opinions out there about what is best for kids these days, but the opinion that matters most, is yours as their parent.  God knew what he was doing by giving us these particular babies.

Parenting grows you and forces you to face your own issues in ways nothing else will-unless you decide not to admit to your mistakes.  So many times at night I lie in bed feeling guilty about my mothering that day.  I get frustrated and impatient with children that are beautiful yet sinful just like me.  God is teaching me daily to stop trying to be that perfect Mommy that I had hoped to be when I was a little girl playing with my baby dolls.  I will never be her.  She doesn't exist.  What is real is the love of our Savior through our faults.  So, I try to remind myself and my children that Jesus loves us both no matter how many fits each of us has!

My advice to new Mommies is to go into each day with the mindset that God will provide what you need that particular day as you ask him, because you are not going to have all the answers, or even any of the answers some days.  Take care of yourself, too.  I neglected myself for years, and the result was depression.  Get connected with other moms, get a babysitter and get out.  Don't neglect your marriage either.  The pressure of having kids and all that comes along with it can put a strain on a relationship, and your partner needs to come first.  Issues that may have been swept under the rug for years, may pop up.  Deal with them.  We teach our kids to work out their problems with others, so we need to lead by example.

The greatest advice is probably to trust your gut and PRAY.  Then, pray and trust your gut, over and over again.  This will help you gain confidence as a Mommy when voices from all around start to confuse you...and there are usually plenty of voices!