I had no idea. I couldn't even begin to fathom what others were talking about when they told me their spouse was gone for extended periods of time. There was a nodding of my head, furrowed brow, concerned look and probably some sort of comment like, "I don't know how your do it!".
No, I had no idea what it was really like. You just can't understand such a life until you've lived it, I guess. It's like you're looking at someone in a glass tank full of water. You're not sure how they're holding their breath for so long without any help. You watch, fascinated for awhile, and then walk on by.
I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be home with my babies. No more juggling my work schedule with my husband's work schedule. No more Mommy guilt when I had to be at work, and no more professional guilt for thinking about my baby the whole time I was at work. Nope. I thought that my husband getting his CDL would provide the income we needed while I stayed home when our babies were small.
It did. We certainly didn't have a lot of extra money, but I didn't have to work. Every day I was with my little ones.
There were a few things I didn't count on, though.
1.) I didn't realize how intensely I would miss my husband.
My partner, my best friend and the love of my life was gone. He wasn't there next to me when I woke in the middle of the night. He wasn't there to see our children do funny, little things every day or get bigger as they do so quickly early on. Phone conversations were usually short, interrupted and often frustrating due to noise on both ends. When he did get home, he was exhausted. It took both of us a full day or more to recuperate. We weren't connecting. We were barely surviving. This life takes a hit on your marriage, and not a BB gun hit...a grenade hit.
2.) I had no idea I would sink into Postpartum Depression.
I wasn't counting on getting sad and anxious. I didn't think that now that I was with my babies, I would snap at them, because of something I didn't even realize was going on. I had no idea this would last until my youngest daughter was nearly a year old. I had envisioned being the sweetest, kindest mother who baked cookies, played games, took my kids on educational outings and never lost it. How unrealistic is that?!
3.) I didn't realize how lonely I would become.
There was not much help or support. It felt like I was woken up from a dead sleep to be thrown into cold water with two little ones in my arms. I was shocked, disoriented and scared. It often felt that there was no on else on the face of the earth who could truly see our situation. Thank God there was one friend that I knew and saw every now and then who had the same situation. She was the only one that understood the stress. She was the only one that knew that this was a chosen life, but a supremely difficult life.
4.) I had no idea that I'd learn so much.
Although this has been one of the most difficult times of my life, I have also learned more in the past few years about myself than ever before. I have learned never to say never. I will never again say in disdainful disgust that I would never do something another parent has done. How arrogant?! The answer to the question, "How could someone do that?" is simple. Because they are fallen. I am fallen and no better than that person. There is plenty of evil that my heart is capable of, and under the right circumstances, I will act upon the grossness that is my sin nature. I've learned to admit my faults more, especially to my children and to keep being honest and open no matter the circumstances.
5.) I have never prayed so hard or so much.
I was raised to pray, but oftentimes stressful situations put you in a place of such despair, that you cry out to God more-and more intensely. I have prayed every day that my husband would stay safe. I have prayed that people around him would put their cell phones down. I have prayed that he wouldn't blow a tire, and end up in an accident in the middle of the interstate. I've prayed that God would bring him back home safely to us, over and over again. I have prayed that God would protect me and my children as we are back home without him. I have prayed that the Holy Spirit would comfort us all when we would be crying and out of sorts the day he leaves. I asked God to give me what I needed to take care of very small children by myself as I'm sleep deprived and literally aching physically and emotionally. I have failed miserably at the task of being a wife and mother and asked for forgiveness so many times a day. I have seen my sinful heart more, and seen my need for my Savior in a way I never did before.
Grace is a magnificent gift that I do not take for granted. Throw in some mercy, and I'm crying like a baby before the Lord. Praise God for his love towards us. Praise God for his perfect plans.
No, I had no idea what it was really like. You just can't understand such a life until you've lived it, I guess. It's like you're looking at someone in a glass tank full of water. You're not sure how they're holding their breath for so long without any help. You watch, fascinated for awhile, and then walk on by.
I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be home with my babies. No more juggling my work schedule with my husband's work schedule. No more Mommy guilt when I had to be at work, and no more professional guilt for thinking about my baby the whole time I was at work. Nope. I thought that my husband getting his CDL would provide the income we needed while I stayed home when our babies were small.
It did. We certainly didn't have a lot of extra money, but I didn't have to work. Every day I was with my little ones.
There were a few things I didn't count on, though.
1.) I didn't realize how intensely I would miss my husband.
My partner, my best friend and the love of my life was gone. He wasn't there next to me when I woke in the middle of the night. He wasn't there to see our children do funny, little things every day or get bigger as they do so quickly early on. Phone conversations were usually short, interrupted and often frustrating due to noise on both ends. When he did get home, he was exhausted. It took both of us a full day or more to recuperate. We weren't connecting. We were barely surviving. This life takes a hit on your marriage, and not a BB gun hit...a grenade hit.
2.) I had no idea I would sink into Postpartum Depression.
I wasn't counting on getting sad and anxious. I didn't think that now that I was with my babies, I would snap at them, because of something I didn't even realize was going on. I had no idea this would last until my youngest daughter was nearly a year old. I had envisioned being the sweetest, kindest mother who baked cookies, played games, took my kids on educational outings and never lost it. How unrealistic is that?!
3.) I didn't realize how lonely I would become.
There was not much help or support. It felt like I was woken up from a dead sleep to be thrown into cold water with two little ones in my arms. I was shocked, disoriented and scared. It often felt that there was no on else on the face of the earth who could truly see our situation. Thank God there was one friend that I knew and saw every now and then who had the same situation. She was the only one that understood the stress. She was the only one that knew that this was a chosen life, but a supremely difficult life.
4.) I had no idea that I'd learn so much.
Although this has been one of the most difficult times of my life, I have also learned more in the past few years about myself than ever before. I have learned never to say never. I will never again say in disdainful disgust that I would never do something another parent has done. How arrogant?! The answer to the question, "How could someone do that?" is simple. Because they are fallen. I am fallen and no better than that person. There is plenty of evil that my heart is capable of, and under the right circumstances, I will act upon the grossness that is my sin nature. I've learned to admit my faults more, especially to my children and to keep being honest and open no matter the circumstances.
5.) I have never prayed so hard or so much.
I was raised to pray, but oftentimes stressful situations put you in a place of such despair, that you cry out to God more-and more intensely. I have prayed every day that my husband would stay safe. I have prayed that people around him would put their cell phones down. I have prayed that he wouldn't blow a tire, and end up in an accident in the middle of the interstate. I've prayed that God would bring him back home safely to us, over and over again. I have prayed that God would protect me and my children as we are back home without him. I have prayed that the Holy Spirit would comfort us all when we would be crying and out of sorts the day he leaves. I asked God to give me what I needed to take care of very small children by myself as I'm sleep deprived and literally aching physically and emotionally. I have failed miserably at the task of being a wife and mother and asked for forgiveness so many times a day. I have seen my sinful heart more, and seen my need for my Savior in a way I never did before.
Grace is a magnificent gift that I do not take for granted. Throw in some mercy, and I'm crying like a baby before the Lord. Praise God for his love towards us. Praise God for his perfect plans.
