When a woman is pregnant, others who care want to know how she is doing. Of course, they do. They are excited and hopeful. They want to know if she feels sick, tired and any other quirks the pregnancy brings.
Loving people are going to ask.
I totally understand this.
That's why it is so very difficult when those wonderful people ask me the question, "How are you feeling?"
It's like a punch in the gut for me-like someone is poking around in a very sore, tender wound. And I hate that it's like that.
I am pregnant. I am happy about that.
But I'm also still grieving the loss of the baby I carried months before this one.
I'm also grieving the first 3 months of this pregnancy that were very scary not knowing if the bleeding would ever fully stop or the hemorrhage would get bigger and end the pregnancy.
I'm not completely off of those pins and needles.
I also wish that, this pregnancy, I could have told people about how terrible my morning sickness has been. I WISH I could have vomited at least once. I wanted confirmation that my body was doing it's job. I wanted to be sick.
But, I wasn't sick in the traditional way. After being diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and threatened miscarriage within a few months, I was overwhelmingly sick with heartache.
So, when someone asks how I'm feeling, it kinda sucks. I don't want to answer.
I don't want to think about it. I want to continue with life without being reminded of all of the pain and concern that surrounds this pregnancy.
As time passes it helps. As we pass each milestone in the pregnancy, I hope more and look forward to the day this baby will rest in my arms.
I know my awkward answers may baffle some well meaning people who ask how I feel. Well, here's why I give short answers and change the subject quickly. It's nothing anyone else did. It's my own way of trying to get through another day and focus on what is ahead instead of what I can't control today.
I thank all of you who have asked out of concern. I haven't known what to say many times, but I do appreciate the support.
On a brighter note, the baby is developing perfectly so far. We are so very grateful for this. Thank you for your prayers!