It's been 28 years since my father's death. I've danced with every imaginable emotion over and again as I process his death through every stage of life. God has brought me to a place of understanding that has been painful and beautiful as I continue on this journey of life at an age when he had already left.
I've come to know how one could succumb to such a fate. I've come to realize how futile judgement is. I've come to intimately know the darkness he knew. I've also seen how light can emerge out of nowhere to save me. I've seen God's hand reach down and pick me up from the pit.
I raise my glass to you Dad. I'm sorry your life ended as it did. I'm sorry you were so tormented in this life. I hope that my life will continue to follow the light and that my children will know a different life. I pray for hope to keep me afloat.
I wish you had known peace...but maybe you didn't so that I could. Maybe your tragic ending has been part of the reason I have the life I do. I don't know whether you are in the depths of darkness now or not, but though you seemed a monster in this life, God still loves you. You have children and grandchildren that God takes care of with such gentleness and kindness. What you could not do, he does.
Maybe someday I'll know the real you, but if I never do, all is well with my soul. I have a Father who has given me his name, his favor, his love and his protection.