Well, here I am again. Blogging about my life. Before I begin on the here and now, I think I need to talk a little about the past few months.
As many of you know, we had a miscarriage last year. It was absolutely devastating. I thought I was handling it fairly well. I was talking about it, I was doing okay at work, I was going on with life...so I assumed. However, there came a point, when all of the anger, frustration and sadness formed the perfect storm. I tried to withstand it, but I just couldn't. Depression set in, and there I was spiraling downward very quickly. It was very hard for me to accept that I was in such a state when I had all of the knowledge to get out of that state. I had helped lots of people who had been through depression. I questioned why I couldn't just apply those techniques I knew and trust God. Why was I letting this get me?
I finally sought professional help. I realized a lot. It was a very humbling experience for a counselor who thought they had dealt with their "stuff" to find herself on anti-depressants. But, when I evaluated they whys, it made sense. Of course, there had been many changes in my life last year and several deaths of loved ones in the past 3 years. But, I also realized more of what my father must have endured. It gave me an understanding of him that I had never really known. He was a lost soul that was desperate for someone to understand him. He was angry because of deep hurts from his past. I share a lot of the same struggles he did. Knowing that ultimately he took his life, pushes me forward even during my worst moments.
I won't lie. My depression was headed down the same road as my father's. I thought I had been handling things all of these years, but I had really been functionally depressed off and on. The baby's death was more than I alone could handle. Losing the baby was terribly painful, and I wish she were here with us. I do see now how God used such a loss to help me be more empathetic, and really, so that I could heal from my past more. This little girl continues to give gifts beyond her death on this earth. Her life continues to change and mold Eric and I a year after her conception. I have been humbled more, because God allowed me to get to such a place that I had never been before. A place that I resisted asking him for help with, because I thought I could get out of the pit like I had always done before. But not this time. I had to swallow my pride and realize that I had absolutely no hand in my healing. There was no book I could read or reason I could grasp that made any of it make sense. God swooped in like an eagle and plucked me out of that pit that was swallowing me. I surely didn't climb out.
It is also difficult to admit that I needed medication. I have always been hesitant about psychotropic drugs. I have to say, it worked wonders for me. It showed me that I am not necessarily crazy. These drugs were formulated to work with the brain chemistry that aided my sadness to deepen into depression. I have since gotten off of the medication, but it helped me in a time when there was no way I could help myself. And I know that some people think you just need to pray more, read your Bible, and "give it to God". I agree with all of those things. I also believe that "giving it to God", in my case, was swallowing my pride and seeing a psychiatrist. Had I not done that, I cannot say that I would be here right now.
So, I am beginning my blog again. A new person full of hope and anticipation to see what God is going to do this year. He has proven to me time and time again how little I truly know of him. I want to see more of him. I want to be more "me" and less of what he knows I am not. I want to discover all of that with him. I want to truly love others this year in a way that I have been afraid to in the past. I want to be more long suffering and let God speak through me. I want a year of miracles, and I want to recognize them. These are my hopes and dreams for this year, and I want to share them with you on this blog.
