Saturday, January 29, 2011

A New Year

Well, here I am again.  Blogging about my life.  Before I begin on the here and now, I think I need to talk a little about the past few months.

As many of you know, we had a miscarriage last year.  It was absolutely devastating.  I thought I was handling it fairly well.  I was talking about it, I was doing okay at work, I was going on with life...so I assumed.  However, there came a point, when all of the anger, frustration and sadness formed the perfect storm.  I tried to withstand it, but I just couldn't.  Depression set in, and there I was spiraling downward very quickly.  It was very hard for me to accept that I was in such a state when I had all of the knowledge to get out of that state.  I had helped lots of people who had been through depression.  I questioned why I couldn't just apply those techniques I knew and trust God.  Why was I letting this get me?

I finally sought professional help.  I realized a lot.  It was a very humbling experience for a counselor who thought they had dealt with their "stuff" to find herself on anti-depressants.  But, when I evaluated they whys, it made sense.  Of course, there had been many changes in my life last year and several deaths of loved ones in the past 3 years.  But, I also realized more of what my father must have endured.  It gave me an understanding of him that I had never really known.  He was a lost soul that was desperate for someone to understand him.  He was angry because of deep hurts from his past.  I share a lot of the same struggles he did. Knowing that ultimately he took his life, pushes me forward even during my worst moments.  

I won't lie. My depression was headed down the same road as my father's.  I thought I had been handling things all of these years, but I had really been functionally depressed off and on.  The baby's death was more than I alone could handle.  Losing the baby was terribly painful, and I wish she were here with us.  I do see now how God used such a loss to help me be more empathetic, and really, so that I could heal from my past more.  This little girl continues to give gifts beyond her death on this earth.  Her life continues to change and mold Eric and I a year after her conception.  I have been humbled more, because God allowed me to get to such a place that I had never been before.  A place that I resisted asking him for help with, because I thought I could get out of the pit like I had always done before.  But not this time.  I had to swallow my pride and realize that I had absolutely no hand in my healing.  There was no book I could read or reason I could grasp that made any of it make sense.  God swooped in like an eagle and plucked me out of that pit that was swallowing me.  I surely didn't climb out.

It is also difficult to admit that I needed medication.  I have always been hesitant about psychotropic drugs.  I have to say, it worked wonders for me.  It showed me that I am not necessarily crazy.  These drugs were formulated to work with the brain chemistry that aided my sadness to deepen into depression.  I have since gotten off of the medication, but it helped me in a time when there was no way I could help myself.  And I know that some people think you just need to pray more, read your Bible, and "give it to God".  I agree with all of those things.  I also believe that "giving it to God", in my case, was swallowing my pride and seeing a psychiatrist.  Had I not done that, I cannot say that I would be here right now.

So, I am beginning my blog again.  A new person full of hope and anticipation to see what God is going to do this year.  He has proven to me time and time again how little I truly know of him.  I want to see more of him.  I want to be more "me" and less of what he knows I am not.  I want to discover all of that with him.  I want to truly love others this year in a way that I have been afraid to in the past.  I want to be more long suffering and let God speak through me.  I want a year of miracles, and I want to recognize them.  These are my hopes and dreams for this year, and I want to share them with you on this blog.

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