Sunday, November 18, 2012

Pregnancy Brain

I guess when you're pregnant, you're brain turns into mush.  That seems to be what's happening to me anyway.  I also seem to get upset (crying or angry) over things much more easily.  I was already an emotional person, so this is really fun.  It's like my brain is in a fog. 

I think just knowing you are pregnant brings about so much emotion.  There is anxiety and excitement just with the knowledge that inside of you is a life that is growing and changing everyday.  Then, you add the hormones on top of that.  Wow!  Some days I want to cry all day.  Some days I want to yell at people all day.  And some days, I want to do both.

Regardless of how crazy I feel, the thought that I can be a small part of God's creation, whom he knew before the world began and is knitting together at this very moment, is worth every hormonal outburst.  I don't know what the future holds.  God knows all too well how terrible it would be for a person like me to know the future.  I wouldn't be able to plan enough for it or not stress out about it.  I thank God for each moment this child is with us. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Be Yourself

I have a husband that chooses to work extra hours, because we have a baby on the way.  I have a warm home, a good job and people in my life that love me.  So, when it's hard to have faith, God reminds me of these things.  No, I cannot see into the future, and there are times when I freak out worried that bad things will happen.  But I serve a God that loves me despite my lack of faith.  He creates opportunities for me to learn to trust him, and seek him when the way seems dark.  The amazing thing is that it is he in me I am praying for when I pray for faith.  What I am really praying is for self to be slain and for him to be glorified in me.  Forget common sense and the way that seems right.  God does not make sense.  We see bits and pieces of the puzzle.  The designer should be directing his creation, not the one that was created.

When we pray for patience or faith or hope or any of those fruits of the spirit, we are really praying to see God.  That is what I hope my heart can want more than it does.  I don't think I am that different from others who may feel as I do some days.  I know I should want to know God more than I do...but I don't.  That's okay, though.  God takes us as we are.  That's the great thing about him.  All we have to do, is be ourselves.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Right on Time

They say the best things in life are worth the wait.  They are worth the struggle, tears and sleepless nights when our humanity kicks into high gear and our faith is tested.  What is truly of value costs our right to ourselves and our pride.

I am a grateful woman. The Creator of the universe, time and every tiny living thing that exists has seen fit to direct my path in a direction I never thought it would go and sometimes didn't want it to go.  Yet, here I sit, amazed at how he knits my life together. So, I will get to the point.  We are pregnant!  Right now, a little miracle is happening.  It is amazing, surreal and the timing of God.

 I have been asked in various ways since our miscarriage 2 1/2 years ago when we were going to try to have a baby.  I must say that my reaction depended on the day...didn't care, irritated, ambivalent, sad, or just thought it wasn't anyone's business.  That question was always weird to me.   Eric and I weren't the ones in charge of the whole thing...that's God's department.  I wondered why people were asking me such a very private and emotional question that I couldn't answer for them and didn't want to give the details of when put on the spot, usually in a public place.  Rarely was I asked how I was feeling about the topic or how they could pray for us.  I felt like a side show exhibit at times.  I must also say that there were those that prayed for us and were very patient when I was not.  It must have seemed odd to others that we were very capable of getting pregnant, but we purposely tried NOT to get pregnant.

God's timing is absolutely perfect.  I am convinced.  After we lost the baby, I spiraled down and kept on going.  That loss was worse than any other, and there was no way that it would have been healthy to bring a new baby into that situation.  It took at least a year to recover, and then another to try to repair and build up our marriage.  I have prayed since I was a little girl that my kids would have a loving home where they felt safe and that they knew their parents were deeply in love with one another.  I thank God for Eric who was wise enough to see when I could not.  It takes time to learn how to walk again when you've been paralyzed for awhile.  It takes time to build a home.  I am so thankful that God answered my prayers for the next baby to come when he saw fit.

With that said, when we did find out we were pregnant, I freaked out some.  Yes, after waiting almost three years, I thought God was a little off on the dates.  How silly is that!  I think I was in shock.  The nerves kicked in right away, too.  Concern for how things were going to work out, if the baby was healthy and old fears came back with a vengeance.  Each day, I am learning to rely on God's strength when I really don't know what his plans are.  Each day is a blessing with this child.  Please pray with us!  It is such an amazing gift that God would let us be a part of this person's life!  They are truly his.  As Hannah said, "I asked the Lord to give me this child, and he has given me my request.  Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life."  I am raising this baby up to him...giving back in praise what has been so graciously given.


Monday, September 3, 2012

The Essence of Life

 Life, the part that is meaningful, is made up of those moments when someone we love smiles and also when they cry.  It's feeling the breeze flow through your hair while listening to music in the car, doing a favor for a friend, being the listening ear for someone in need, talking to a stranger and making time to give when you'd rather not. Life is made up of little moments that we take for granted every day.  Each minute we get to spend with those we love is a blessing.  Each experience, good or bad, molds us.  Making sure the house was clean, we made a certain amount of money, dressed a certain way, and the yard looked nice will not be the things that we reflect on in old age.  We will remember our moments with others.  We will remember the mountains and valleys, and think about how it impacted our lives and the lives of those around us.  We will reflect on our decisions during those times, and we will thank God or mourn.  We will look back and see missed opportunities, and hopefully pass on wisdom to those younger.  Life is not about the promotion or size of our house.  It's about those that make it a home.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Broken Butterfly

Today, I watched as a black butterfly crossed my path.  It's seems it could read my mind.  It landed on a spot where I could look at it more closely.  Then, gracefully, it began to open and close it's wings displaying brilliant blue markings on one side and orange on the other.  I inspected it closely.  It seemed to stay there as long as I wanted, and as I marveled at it's beauty, I saw that the tip of one of the wings was jagged.  This magnificent creature was missing part of it's body.  The mechanism that gave it flight had been torn.  However, from afar, the disfigurement was not noticeable.

What is broken in people may not be evident at first, but I wonder how often we take the time to really look at them.  Do we realize they have had damage done even though they may seem to function just fine?  What happened to them causing them to fly differently?

I think it is easier to focus on ourselves than to really take an interest in hurting people.  We may see something in that person that we don't want to face about ourselves.  We may judge them so that we don't have to look at our own broken wing.  Whatever the case, God is the mighty healer.  He is the one that makes the impossible, possible.  What looks marred and ugly, he makes bright, beautiful and new.  Sometimes, he brings other people into our lives to be the mirror we avoid.  Thank goodness there is more than enough grace to go around.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Lesson of the Stink Bug

I noticed a stink bug in the bathroom a few days ago.  I was going to take it outside (I never want to kill things that are not where they belong), but forgot to after I finished getting ready for the day.  As I was brushing my teeth yesterday, I looked up to see that same stink bug (I am assuming) crawling on the window that doesn't open.  I remembered that I had forgotten to take it outside.  When I finished rinsing, I reached up clasping him in my hand and went downstairs to let him out the front door.

As I whisked my open hand into the air to release him, I watched as he flew in one direction and zigzagged a few times.  Then, he came to a sudden halt.  He was frozen in mid air.  He got caught in a spider web in the corner of the porch.  I just sighed and shut the front door.  I was let down that my effort landed him on the spider's menu for the evening.

I thought about how reckless that little stink bug had been.  I had done all of that to free him from what would have led to his death, and within seconds, he gets himself in a real death trap.  I began to wonder if humans are that different? 

Have you ever realized that you are merely moving from one type of prison to another?  The scenery may be different, but you just exchange one location of entrapment for something even worse.  People tried to get you out of that place they knew you didn't belong, but you hadn't yet learned how to keep yourself from being bound.  When they did help free you, you flew into a spider web.

The real work should come from those of us that are entrapped by something, not by those that want us to be free.  We have to take responsibility and learn what actions and thoughts caused us to get to this place and then do the work necessary to change what is faulty.  We have to learn new ways to fly that are not erratic and only lead to more heartache.  We have to take responsibility for letting those people down that tried to help us when we seemed helpless.  Their generosity was taken advantage of.

We may have only flown one crazy way all of our lives, but that doesn't mean we can't change.  A stink bug can learn to fly like a bee.  They know what their job is, don't take detours and bravely do go out into a gigantic world.  God has a very specific plan for us, too.  If bees can follow instructions, can't we learn to?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Couples Therapy

You never know what happens behind closed doors.  A couple may look blissfully happy to everyone else, but once that door closes behind them, all hell breaks loose.  I know.  I lived that.

My husband is truly a gift from God.  He was given to me when I did not deserve him.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we were meant to be.  He was God's choice for me.  Yet, our relationship was pretty miserable for years.  We were madly in love, but we did not know how to live with one another.  We did not understand one another.  It was as though we kept trying to force the other to understand a language they had never heard before.  I brought lots of baggage from a traumatic childhood and grief from the deaths of those I loved.  This infected our marriage. 

After years of various types of counseling, primarily for myself, and literally falling on my knees sobbing over and over again before God, things started to get better.  Eventually, our marriage became fun, light and full of life.  That doesn't mean we don't fight.  Two very stubborn people, are going to argue, but there is now a respect for him that I didn't have before.  I think I was scared to be married in the way that was good and healthy.  I was afraid that if I truly trusted him, he would hurt me like I had been hurt before.  I was also very selfish.

I have a friend that was surprised to hear this since it was evident we were very in love, but being soul mates doesn't mean there isn't work to be done or hard times ahead.  Had we not had that deep love God placed in us for one another, I am sure we would not be together today.  It is only by the grace of God that I am still married to this amazing man.  God's grace washes away all of our sins and changes us from within.  God's love is what brought us together and kept us together.  With it, anything is possible.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Run with Purpose

Sometimes in life, you surprise yourself.  I definitely have this time.  I started running earlier this year.  Before March, something had to be chasing me if you wanted me to run a long distance.  I started by doing a 5K for a good cause and decided this was something I enjoyed.

I just did my first 5 miler.  My goal was to finish and to do it under an hour.  I had not been able to train due to an injury, so this was a lofty goal for me.  The humidity was at 90% the day of the race.  Within the first mile I was drenched in sweat, and I think about 50 people passed me.  That's okay.  I kept running.  About two miles into it, I passed a girl that was trying really hard, but even I could pass her.  I felt like I needed to slow my pace and run with her.  I had a slight twinge to do that. It was just a passing thought.  I didn't think much of it and kept running feeling kind of good that I could pass someone.  I finished meeting my goal and didn't see when the girl crossed behind me.

At home after the race, I started to feel bad about what I had done.  I realized that I had grieved the Holy Spirit.  Why did it matter that I met MY goal?  I was given an invitation from God to uplift someone else, and myself.  What made me zoom past her instead of befriend her? 

Me.  I wanted to keep going.  I didn't want more people to pass me.  I was being selfish.  What was it that God, knowing all things, wanted me to share with this girl?  Did I just need to show her that someone was kind and cared about her?  What furthering of Christ's Kingdom did I impede? What was missed?

I will never know. That's sad.  I lost sight of something vital to living life.  This is not MY race.  My life is not my own. It's not about how fast I finish.  What's important is how I ran the race. 

I am writing this so that we can learn from my mistake.  It's always worth it to slow the pace to help someone else.  We seem to hurry through life intent on our own agendas missing golden opportunities waiting along the way.  We are so consumed with storing up treasures here on earth the supply has never been stocked in heaven.  Slow down and listen to God's prompting.  Obedience to it will change the world.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Ghosts from the Past

Some things haunt us.  I think we can all say there are things that happened, or didn't happen, in our pasts that seem to smack us in the face out of nowhere like a ghost darting in and out of our lives.  We may long to forget the events that spontaneously strike us like a whip.  Why should we be harassed by such terrible things?

If we forgot, who would we be now?  If all recollection of the event and the pain the ensued was erased, would we be as compassionate or empathetic?  Would we have learned how to traverse the bog armored with only our faith?  Who would be left hurting from the absence of our wisdom derived from those haunted visuals?

I think the remembrance of things not so pleasant is another chance to heal.  It gives another opportunity to deal with what may have never thoroughly been dealt with.  We can decide to learn from the pain that seeps out gradually over months, years or decades, or keep trying to ignore it.  Beware of the latter strategy.  The pressure from avoidance will inevitably lead to an explosion and/or living an inhibited life.

Everything that happens can be used for good even if it was breathed into life by the depths of hell.  God can make the horrific morph into a miracle.  He turns the broken and bruised into people made of steel.  Once almost lifeless, they are now tanks in the army of God.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Pet Therapy

Anyone that knows me or my husband has heard about Bailey.  He's our 4 year old hound mix.  We adopted him from the animal shelter when he was 3 months old.  When we arrived to pick him up, the lady at the desk said he was still groggy from being neutered.  The poor thing had an accident on himself while he was waiting for us.  I love the fact that Eric just picked him right up, poop and all, cradled him in his arms and carried him to the car.

That was the beginning of our love story with our floppy eared, tri-colored, nose to the ground puppy.  It's amazing how much an animal can enrich your life.  I know I'm biased, but he is definitely one of the smartest dogs I have ever known.  When he wants something, he knows how to get it (head cocked to one side as he looks up with his big brown eyes), and when he doesn't want to get into trouble for doing something he knows is wrong (getting into the trash), he works quietly when no one is around so he doesn't get caught.  He also watches television.  He will watch a half hour show about dogs never looking away. 
     
He is also one of the most sensitive dogs I have ever known.  If Eric and I are fighting, he either puts his head down and slowly goes to hide or stands in the middle, looks back and forth at us and barks.  Either way, it makes you want to stop making him upset.  He has been there through difficult times to witness what no one else has. If we are upset, he comes to console us with his wet nose pressed against our faces. 

 I love how his tail starts to slowly wag and then increases in speed as I lift my head to greet him good morning or get down on the floor to play.  When he knows he gets to go for a ride, he follows us around the house while we get ready pushing us with his nose so we'll hurry up.  Once he gets in the car, he stands up with one paw flapping in the wind so he can get his head out to breathe in all of the smells.  His black ears flip flop as we ride along and air pushes his mouth up and down so it looks like he's talking.  He usually has quite a few fans as we ride through town. 

His favorite weekend visit is to PetSmart.  As soon as I turn to go into the shopping center, he starts pacing back and forth in the back seat.  Every dog he meets is a friend.  His nose stays glued to floor to analyze who and what has been in the store.  The only thing he would be fine without is the cats that are up for adoption.  He seems to sense that they don't like him, so he keeps his distance.  He also visits his "grandparents" and other family members (human and canine) quite often.  When we say their names, he gets excited to go see them.  He is a happy dog that loves his family.


I can't imagine the last four years without him.  There have been so many times little things he did cheered me up.  When I didn't want to smile, I couldn't help it when I looked at him.  I am thankful for my Bailey today.  I hope for many more years with him, but if today were our last day with him, I would have peace.  I know God's purpose for his life was to be with us.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Friends Come and Go

I have never really handled changes in relationships very well.  I tend not to get too close so that I won't get hurt should the relationship end or change for some reason.  In my experience, those changes can be extremely painful and difficult to manage.

I realize though, that changes must come for growth to happen.  Those relationships need room to breathe and mature into what God wants them to be.  What may seem to be the end could just be the beginning of a new facet and deeper level of friendship.  A whole new way of seeing someone may emerge and a sense of appreciation for them that was never there before.

I think it is also difficult for me since I grow very attached to people once I let myself start to bond.  I am the type that is very loyal and try to meet the needs of those I care about.  When the relationship faces change, I question what my role will be in their lives.  Will I lose the sense of safety with this person once the relationship changes?  Will I not be able to be there for them and will they not be there for me?  Will I be replaced?

It seems scary to think you could be replaced after putting so much work into a relationship.  I don't think it's a replacement, though.  How can one person completely replace another?  No, we add people to our lives when others fade out. 

Sometimes, we are meant to be in a person's life for a short time.  It can be a time where a deep bond is formed making it difficult when circumstances change. The ease of the friendship is no longer there.  It may not be convenient anymore.  We don't need to think of it as losing a friend, but be grateful that we had that friendship at that particular time in our lives.

Some friends are lifelong.  They are constant.  They are there though others may drift in and out.  Thank God for these people that help make up the backbone of our sanity.  They tell us like it is and never falter in their love for us.  They are easy to talk to, because they just get us. These people are true blessings from above that go through our lives with us.

I am still learning how to transition with people.  I am grateful that God has taken me through situations that challenge my faulty thinking and anxiety. 

It's life.  It's a process.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Wildflowers in the Kingdom

As I was driving today, I was struck by a beautiful array of wildflowers painting the ditch.  There was one particular stretch that overflowed with the most lively bunch of flowers of just about every color.

It made me think about the name we give these scenic wonders...wildflowers.  I guess they are wild.  They are growing in a place where they were not planted or tended by man.  They often grow in harsh conditions without supervision or control.  They sprout up boldly and are taken care of by the father above to bless us during a mundane drive.

How often do we try to tame wildflowers?  How often do we cut them down, trim them or try to move them and end up killing them?  They may be someone we love.  The wildflower could be a part of us that we keep from emerging from an unlikely place.  A true wildflower seems dangerous to us, but magnificent to God.  He has it under control.  He doesn't want us living lives of fear where we never express who we are.  No, he wants us to live a life abandoned.  He will show the world that it's not crazy to let something grow where "it's not supposed to".  We aren't supposed to try to be just like everyone else.  If we were, what would be the point of making more than one human? 

So, when people say you're crazy for whatever it is that you just know in your heart is what God wants and is pleasing to him, just keep focused and press through that hard ground.  Soon, you'll be the wildflower that makes them smile.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

To have the Faith of Juma

At what point does concern grow into worry?  Can we pinpoint the moment when our concern grows into an obsession that has no solution?

I think what matters is what we decide to do with what may be a very valid concern.  We can determine if there is a way to fix it or not.  Then, if there is no way to fix it, we can either leave it up to God and faithfully wait for his answer to the concern or decide to keep thinking and ruminating over it.

I am one that tends to worry.  I want to know the answer now.  I don't want to wait for the solution.  I don't want to watch without any control over something I think I can answer. No, I want to make everything fit nicely into a box that I can carry around and place where I want it.  The unknown does not fit into my box.  So, I try to force it there.

I think we worry a lot about things that are ridiculous to worry about.  In the grand scheme of things, in light of an eternity with the most beautiful eternal being, we decide to worry about how much money we have, our jobs, and our kids instead of living a life full and blessed as God intended.  You might think it is fine and normal to worry about our kids, but I don't think it is.  I think it is absolutely normal to be concerned for them, but not pleasing to God to replay their issues in our minds over and over again.  I don't think it is healthy to push our ideas of what we think will make them happy onto them, either.  That is birthed from worry.  Worry will ultimately push our children, families and everyone away from us.  Worry is anxiety, and anxiety demonstrates a lack of faith.

I am saying these things knowing full well how anxious I can become, but I also know that God is gracious and patient.  He places us in various situations and circumstances to help us grow our faith.  He gives us opportunities to learn to rely on him.  We don't become people of faith without listening to him, waiting with him and relying on him to carry us through the unknown, scary places.  How many of us can say we are truly content?  I don't think many people in this country feel that way.

I will never forget meeting a young African boy when I went to Kenya many years ago.  This 12 year old boy made me so happy, because he was happy.  He had lived on the streets most of his life and found his way to a boys' home after living a life of hardship abandoned by everyone that was supposed to love him.  All he had was Jesus, and it was evident by the contagious smile on his face and the peace that seemed to gush from within like a fountain of gold.  He didn't have everything figured out.  He just knew God would provide.  This young man had the wisdom of an 80 year old and the heart of an angel.  I will never forget Juma.  I left Africa wanting to live a life like that.

I still think about him and joy floods within.  I barely knew him, but the blessing of knowing someone with that kind of faith continues to change me. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

I've Got This Under Control

It's ironic how much I find my self saying I will take care of things but fail to realize I really am not.   I fail to realize God always has a plan.  He always has a way no matter how impossible it may seem to navigate.

I think of how easily it can be to stay in a place in our lives where we think we have things under control.  We think we can handle things alright when God has a golden door of opportunity waiting.  Behind it is the unknown, and true to human form, we find ourselves running back to the place where we feel safe.  All the while, God is saying, "I know you don't see the way, but I will make a way for you."  And once we take that first step, he provides the footing we need to cross into a place that he has for us.  Once we take that first step, it doesn't seem so scary anymore.  We may ask God where he is as we are traversing this unknown territory, and he says, "I am the ground beneath your feet.  I told you I would never leave you or forsake you.  Why would I now when you have walked by faith?"  He sees us safely to where he wants us to be and shows us there are more mysteries for us to behold if we continue to have faith.

If you are truly living the Christian life, you can never say it's boring.  I think of roller coasters.  Sometimes, you can't see what's ahead.  There are abrupt twists and turns, drops, ascents and plateaus.  If you get in your seat expecting the best and believing you're going to have fun, you most likely will.  If you get on in fear or because someone else wants you to do it, there will be disappointment.  If you have faith that you will be okay, the thrill is worth not having control.

We can get so wrapped up in what goes on in this world that the reality of it's brevity alludes us.  We want to feel safe so badly that we miss out on furthering the Kingdom here on earth.  If he says go, go.  You may not have the money or means right now, but if he is telling you to walk through that door, a way will be made.  Whatever the circumstance that is so insurmountable to the human mind, is a simple fix to God.  We cannot see the future, but he can.  We may not be sure how things will work out, but he does.  If he formed the foundations of the earth, can he not fix our little problems? We need to check our hearts and make sure we aren't letting golden opportunities to further the kingdom pass by just because we are scared.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Fear and Fireworks.

I continue to be amazed at the power of fear.  As each day passes, I see the grip fear has on myself and others.  I see opportunities lost and needless worry.  I see the struggle.

I see fear as a foe that needs to be defeated.  I see fear as a wall to climb and an obstacle to conquer.  I see the need for Christ to be the one pushing us over that fence when we don't have an ounce of strength left.  He is the one that gives us the strength to try one more time when we have been rejected over and over again. 

I see fear freezing us in time.  Our bodies may age and silver hair mistakenly give us the look of wisdom, but fear may have robbed us of ever knowing what it is to truly live.  Fear may have held our hands keeping us from moving on when we thought we couldn't brave the storm ahead.  It may have told us it would take care of us when the road block was beyond our strength to move.  It told us to stay right where we are...where it is safe.  What a lie!  We are actually paralyzing ourselves.  We are choosing to be rocks when we should be streams of living water.  We are choosing not to see the miracle that happens when God makes water flow from what has never moved.  He creates life where there was none if we would just trust him and take the chance.

Of course, choosing to take the leap is probably the most difficult part of the process.   With risk comes the chance of failure.  There is the chance that we might get hurt, but can we not trust God to catch us if we fall and tend to our wounds should we stumble?

Change, when it is wrought from the mind of God, is amazing and spectacular.  It is like fireworks bursting in the sky.  They would never light up the night sky had someone not decided to light them, though.  I am praying today for myself and those I love not to believe the enemy, fear.  I am praying that we can brave through the lumps in our throats and weight on our chests to move forward believing God will propel us and give us supernatural strength.  This is my heartfelt prayer today.  I am praying for fireworks.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Marrying Your Prince

I grew up, like most little girls, dreaming of getting married to my prince and living happily ever after.  I guess I never really thought it would happen, though.  I assumed I would take care of myself.  I thought that if I got married, I would be older and established in a career.

God thought otherwise.  I never dreamed that he would bless me with what I know to be the only man that is absolutely perfect for me.  Where did that come from?  I didn't orchestrate it.  I didn't settle for a guy, because it was easy or convenient.  No, this man came into my life and changed me forever, and he continues to every day.  When it's right, that certainly doesn't mean it's easy.  Just think about it from satan's point of view.  If he knew that God wanted two people together, don't you think he would do all that he could to keep them apart?  Don't you think he would take every measure he could to poke them where they are the weakest?  I certainly know that he has thrown his arsenal at us.  Wouldn't it stand to reason that if satan did not care if two people ended up together realizing they weren't meant to be, he wouldn't cause any friction.  He loves mediocrity.  I think if the relationship is just so "perfect" and you never argue or disagree...something must be terribly wrong underneath the surface.

I know that I am so blessed.  I am so very blessed that I didn't make a stupid decision when I was younger and end up a lonely married woman.  I had always prayed for the miracle of him and our marriage, but I guess I never expected God to love me so much that he would gift me with it.  It is something words cannot describe, the bond we share.  Besides Christ's sacrifice for me, it is the greatest gift I have ever known.  We didn't get married because we didn't want to break up.  We got married, because if we didn't, we would be disobeying God.

It's amazing to look back on how far we have come.  I think of all of the ways the enemy has tried to destroy us.  I think of how close we have been to being destroyed, and how God swoops in to save us like an eagle out of nowhere.  We have both changed.  The melding of two people into one is not an easy process.  I am hopeful for a future that is bright.  We have built a foundation that is strong-built out of blood, sweat and tears with God as the force that holds it together.  I am proud of that foundation, and all that will be built upon it.  I am looking forward to the rest of this fairy tale.

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Healer of Souls

People say that time heals all wounds.  I don't think it's time that does the healing, though.  Time is necessary in order for God to do the healing, but a wound can be just as open and tender today as it was the day of the injury.  Time is merely an instrument God uses to ease the pain. 

I was thinking about a wound I have had for many years and realized how the canyon of pain that it once was has narrowed to a sliver.  I realized that now there are few things that fall down into that wound to irritate it when once it seemed that not a moment went by when something would prick or poke the tender, sensitive area.  What a blessing to see how God heals.  Time alone did not do this.  It was the struggle during that time that brought healing.  It was the shedding of many tears, frustration, annoyance, and laying prostrate when no words would convey the pain felt. 

I think God uses time so that we can properly heal.  We want the pain to go away immediately.  We don't want to deal with what caused it and why.  We just don't want to feel bad.  He doesn't want us to feel bad either, but he knows that the process of healing brings us closer to him.  He knows that through it all, we will become better people.  We will see his face a little bit more clearly. 

Avoiding the pain, running away from it or trying to hide merely prolong the process and make the wound stay open longer, prone to infection and enlargement.  Hurriedly filling the chasm and trying to fix it with man-made means, will have the same effect.  We are left with the real answer to our problem of pain...have faith that God will walk with us through it and heal in miraculous ways.  We do not have the answers.  We do not have the medicine he does.  We are not the doctor.  We have faith in men and women to heal our physical bodies.  Why is it so difficult to have faith in the One that heals our souls?

The process of healing certainly isn't easy or quick, but it is beautiful.  We marvel at chasms and canyons created by great tumult.  They are a picture of the care God is taking to heal the chasms of our hearts.  Where we are right now in the journey is as magnificant as these majestic rocks.  Never give up hope.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Is it Groundhog Day Again?

Do you ever wake up and wonder if you are reliving yesterday?  We have our routines.  There are things we tend to always do.  Letting the dog out, making coffee, having a conversation with the cashier at Wal-Mart, typing a report, going to a meeting, listening to music, making dinner, watching television, folding laundry...are any of these things really important?  Are they life changing?  Has the completion of these things altered the course of history?

On the surface, most of us would say no.  These all seem like non-consequential tasks.  Even stringing them altogether doesn't make them any grander or nobler.  They are the ordinary that life is made of. 

What if we found a way to make these everyday, mundane experiences extraordinary?  What if we were able to appreciate fully the opportunities they provide?  God blessed us with the dog that woke us up when we were about to be late and the coffee that we enjoy so much every morning.  He specifically placed us in a situation with a stranger so that we will be blessed.  He gave us a job that he wants us to have right now in order to accomplish his purposes.  He blessed us with an abundance of food to eat and clothes to wear.  He created entertainment for us to enjoy.  These are blessings to be enjoyed and savoured.  If we could see these seemingly boring moments of life as gifts, maybe we would all be happier people.

Friday, April 6, 2012

An Easter Story

As the Easter eggs are painted, glittered and stickered, I wonder why we do so much with eggs this time of year.  I did a little research.  Many believe that eggs became so important, because they were not allowed during Lent.  Once Lent was over, people celebrated by breaking out the eggs.  For centuries, they symbolized life, and the promise of resurrection...there is more.  What has not been born, will be one day.  What is not seen, will be seen. It is a promise.

I wonder, if I were an egg, what would be inside?  What more is there to me?  We paint what's on the outside.  We clothe it and dress it up putting stickers on it to identify what we like, where we live, our occupations and other information we want people to know and admire.  These are our conversation starters and sadly, sometimes we never get past talking about these things.  What about the inside?  Are we readying the inside?

When Christ returns and/or I meet him face to face for the first time, I want what he sees when he cracks that egg, not to be some undeveloped goop.  I want to also see what all of this work has created.  I want to see it for myself in the end.  I want to stand there with Christ and marvel at what we have done together with his gift of my life.  That is why I keep working every day to nourish and protect his creation, because inside there is a miracle in progress.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Picture of Living Hope

       So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,                    
                                    but on what is unseen. 

so we fix
For what is seen is temporary,
                   but what is unseen is eternal.                 

                                                       II Corinthians 4:18
 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Holding Back the Pain

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to ignore it or press it down further, the sludge erupts with the force of a geyser.  There it is, bubbling up like a dark brown fountain.  It's ugly and unexpected, but strangely a sight of relief.

I am talking about times when deep pain and hurt finally press it's way upward to be exposed.  Maybe we didn't know how to process it when whatever happened that caused the emotional ball of pent up sadness, fear and anger.  Maybe we kept avoiding it.  Maybe we were intensely aware of it, but kept pressing it down trying to keep others from seeing what we are doing.

When it does burst out into the light, it seems it can be embarrassing.  Yes, we often believe it will be embarrassing to admit that we didn't handle things very well in the past, that we are human, that something mucked up the plumbing for so long, and we tried to hide it.  We are embarrassed that we couldn't handle it.  What should we be embarrassed about, though?  I think satan appeals to our sense of pride so that we won't heal sooner, and so that we will try to continue to swallow something that was never meant to stay inside of us.

This reminds me of a funny yet pretty disgusting story.  When I was in college, my best friend and I decided to visit Chicago.  We took my old car on our little adventure halfway across the country. 


On our way back, I started feeling awful.  Later, we realized we had caught a nasty bug from the family we stayed with.  By the time we had crossed Ohio back towards Virginia, I was sweating profusely, but I had to keep driving since my friend was from out of the country and had never gotten a license.  We had to stop continuously so I could vomit on the side of the road if there were no bathrooms close by. 

My friend, on the other hand, seemed perfectly fine.  She even got chili cheese fries and an orange from Sheetz on one of my mandatory stops as we got closer to the place we were staying for the night.  I seethed at her in disbelief as she peeled that orange.  My need to hurl grew with every peeling that came off.

I just kept driving, though.  I had to find a bed.  I had to lay down.  About thirty minutes before we arrived, she said she felt nauseous.  By this time, I still felt nauseous but most of my bodily fluids had left one way or another.  We got to the home we were staying at and crashed.  I finally fell asleep.  A few hours later, I woke up to my friend asking me to help her in a voice of dire desperation.  I didn't know what to do...I was starting to gag hearing her starting to gag.  She ended up painting a nice white carpet the color of chili cheese fries while I ran into the kitchen to dispel the remains of my stomach which was mostly water.

For hours, my friend had been holding in what all came out at once.  She thought it would go away.  It certainly didn't.  It kept coming back stronger and stronger until finally, she couldn't control it any longer.  If we swallow the hurt, it's going to grow and make a mess of things, but if we learn to recognize when it is there and dispel it in the right places to the right people, it can't grow into a monster that will embarrass us when it unexpectedly comes out.  I learned from that trip the importance of just letting it out!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Contented Frustration

Have you ever had a goal, but never had any idea how it would become reality?  From where you are now, there are no bridges to the side where that dream seems possible.  You know there are steps that can be taken, but God has you in a place where there is nowhere to step.  You have to stand on the edge of the cliff seeing the dream in the distance, longing for it as you continue to walk the same beaten down path you have traversed continually.  You are tired, often listless and doing your best to continue to do your best. 

I find it hard to be in a place like this.  I hate being bored and am intensely impatient when I am ready to move.  If there is no means of transportation though, we are bound to fall into the chasm that separates us from what we long for.  There certainly is a time for everything.  God never said when or how he would let us know. 

I think we know it's time to move when heavenly stairs appear from out of nowhere.  Without warning, an anointed staircase is there for our convenience.  We did not build them or orchestrate their precise arrival when we deemed fit.  No, they arrive on heavenly time.  Everything is aligned beyond what we can understand so that we land perfectly in new territory.

No matter what the dream in the distance may be, God will take us there when the time is right.  The hard part is treading that same piece of ground until the time comes.  It's interesting to me that no matter how long I have been doing something or done the same thing over and over again, I can still learn new things.  I can still realize how I missed something that was being taught.  Why should we be in such a rush to move, when there is more to learn?  There is more to glean from where we are now.  We need all of that wisdom to successfully tackle new experiences to come.

I think of a young child who desperately wants to be like the big kids.  I think of the little boy that just wants to be big and strong like his Daddy.  Eating their vegetables will be beneficial, but it won't make them grow up overnight.  It's a process.  That's the way it was meant to be.  Even if they seem ready, sometimes parents know that they aren't and to try to jump to the other side is only going to hurt them.  God knows us so well, and he knows what is best for us, too.  He knows the best timing when we often have no idea what that is.

The grass does always look greener on the other side, but I wonder how often we jump ship to that side when we haven't gleaned all we needed from where we were.  My prayer today is to breathe in and out, take one moment at a time, and thank God he holds me in his hands.  I would surely make a mess of things if I didn't trust him in my times of frustration.  Being content was not a suggestion.  God told us to do it.  So, let's do it!

Friday, March 23, 2012

You'll Love me When I'm Dead

I'm not sure why I thought about this last night shortly before succumbing to sleep.  I was thinking about the atmosphere at funerals and how we behave when someone dies.  People often whisper, walk around with their hands folded in front of them, look somber and sometimes like they are trying very hard not to step on imaginary needles coming out of the floor.

We are respectful, and it seems that funerals are a place where the deceased are given a chance to be seen in their best light.  We don't tell stories about what horrible people they were.  No matter what kind of person they were, we highlight what was good about them.  We talk about what made them special, what their talents were and the good they did.  Why is it that we seem to be able to love others best after they are dead? 

We know that there is no chance for them to change now.  We know that there is really no point trying to make them be something they aren't.  We appreciate them more, because we won't see them again this side of eternity.  Those terrible things they may have done are still terrible, but they do not define who they were.

In life, we may have wanted them to be so much more, to reach their potential, but isn't life about the journey?  They just ended theirs before we may have thought they had found their way.  All of this is not for us to determine.  Who are we anyway?  We certainly are not God.  Why can't we love someone in life as we do in death?  Why can't we love them where they are instead of withholding love until they get to where we think they need to be?  Why must we criticize and judge while forfeiting prayer for them?

We are human.  That's why.  We want perfection from others though we can never give it ourselves.  We think we know the answers when in reality, we have no idea what their answers are.  We didn't create them or set a path for them.  That is between them and God.  We tend to put our concern for what is best for them above our love for them where they are.  Even if we are right, why should they listen to us if we have not truly loved them?

When we realize how brief life is and how short our time with others really can be, we learn to live in the moment with others and appreciate the creation God made.  Life is but a breath.  Fill it with love.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

An Anxious Heart

Have you ever taken your stress out on a person that really has nothing to do with why you are stressed out?  We often do not feel we can stand up for ourselves or defend ourselves to those in authority over us.  It may be our parents, bosses or even friends that are vomiting their anxiety onto us.  What often happens?  We also pick a weaker target to get the stress off of our backs.  These are not the most honorable moments for human beings.

Something else can happen when the stresses of the world bear upon us.  We can eat that stress.  Instead of letting it go or even placing it on others, we can just hold it in.  We can give it a home to grow into a bigger and bigger monster until it seems it takes over who we are.  We cannot see clearly.  We cannot think clearly.  We just move on from day to day trying to avoid what we have given a home.

So, how do we get rid of the anxiety that we live with?  How do we let go without hurting others?  That's something I struggle with daily.  There are lots of calming techniques and prayers that can be prayed when you feel anxious, but how do we "be anxious for nothing"?  How do we "cast our cares upon him (Jesus)"?  How do we do this immediately?

I think that if we have allowed and even invited anxiety into our lives since childhood, it is very difficult to break the pattern.  I find myself purposely having to push thoughts out of my mind, give myself positive self talk and rehearse the truth.  Some days things just get to us more than others, and those are the days that prayer and constant divine intervention is needed.

I think the root of anxiety is low self-confidence.  It could be not feeling confident in relationships, in our profession, but mostly in who we are.  If we constantly doubt ourselves, we will always be anxious.  We will always wonder if we can really do life.  If we have had significant loss or fear it, we can also tend to feel anxious about losing what we do have. 

I think repeating the truths of God Word is imperative to changing destructive patterns and forming new ways of thinking and feeling.  We need to see ourselves and others the way God does.  We need to believe in our hearts that he takes care of us and those we love.  We need to realize that we are all human, and we will never be perfect.  We need to be concerned about what God thinks, not so much about the opinion of others.  They are not living our lives.  It's easy to say these things and nod our heads in agreement, but for many of us, it takes back breaking work to live it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Being Truth

Do we pray for those we judge?  I don't like to think about how often I find fault and then sit in the stench of disgust with my finding.  I don't usually have realizations about others and then feel empathy.  No, it is just easier to sit back with my hands crossed and a smug look on my face as I glare at the truth of something that seems so wrong to me.  I am ashamed to put down on paper how unloving I really can be.

Why do I think last to pray for the people I am judging?  Why do I not automatically go to that place that loves them?  Why can't I take my observations to the throne and place them there instead of harboring them in my heart.  I sit on them as they hatch arrogance and bitterness.

I am ashamed of this almost automatic response I have.  Just because I see the truth of a situation, doesn't mean I am God.  It doesn't make me jury and judge.  No, I am trying to train myself to pray first....not after I already judge the person, but immediately.  This is extremely difficult to do!  Mankind seems to complicate everything.  We have a God that sees before, after and all sides of every situation and every person.  Why must we try to out-do him? 

God doesn't give us discernment so that we can gossip, dominate and separate ourselves from others.   No, the stronger brother is to help the weaker brother.  Is there any better way to help someone than to pray for them?  I am not just talking about asking God to bless them or be with them.  No, I am talking about intercessory prayer.  It's the kind where you are speechless and mesmerized by God as you fall to your knees at the throne with his creation on your heart.  You don't bring your bitterness or condemnation of them.  You come broken and humbled lifting someone up to him that probably doesn't have the strength or insight to come themselves. 


Discernment should not be an opportunity to inflate ego.  It should be a blessing of humility, and a lesson in obedience.  I am humbled today as I think of how many people I need to pray for, and how many people I see that are living in a fog and can't seem to find their way out.  I see where they are and how they are taking the wrong roads, but how often have I just watched them run around like a mouse in a maze?  How often have I been broken bread and poured out wine for them in prayer and in practice?  How often have I gone out of my way for someone I have nothing in common with and no inclination to be friends with? 

It is not enough to see or know the truth.  That doesn't make you a better person.  You have to live it.  You have to be it.  Isn't that what Christ did?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Hooked on a Feeling

Recently, my husband and I were talking about different styles of music in churches.  He brought up a really good point.  Some of the music in churches seems to be addictive because of how emotional people get when they sing.  It seems that people are mistaking true fellowship with God with an emotional high. 

I have definitely done this.  I get so caught up in the emotion of the song, that I am not really worshiping God.  I am a very emotional person, so sometimes it takes awhile for me to differentiate between an emotional high and feeling the presence of God.  I think there is a distinct difference, though.

God is usually pretty subtle but powerful.  He doesn't swoop in like a marching band and mesmerize.  I think God is present, especially where two or three are gathered in his name, and waits for us to come to him there.  Sometimes, the way the music is played over and over again in increasing volume can make us feel like the Holy Spirit has made an appearance, but that could just be us getting worked up by the music.  Also, God is always everywhere.  Whether there is loud music playing and people raising their hands or we are on our couch at home alone.

I think we can have spiritual experiences, probably more genuine and more frequent, when we are intentionally seeking God in stillness.  It saddens me that church has become a production.  It is the gathering of believers, but I find that it has been cheapened to suit television audiences and what is culturally tolerable.  I feel like we have forgotten the boldness of Jesus.  He said it like it was at the right time no matter who he offended.  Not out of any selfish ambition but because it was true.  People needed to hear and see how to truly live a life abandoned to God.

When I think of what the church has become, I think of a lot of sheep moving in a direction that culture dictates.  Is church another type of drug that is acceptable for Christians?  We feel good we went.  We feel good singing the songs.  We hear a feel good sermon and feel good talking to the people sitting around us.

Truly worshiping God does not make you feel good all of the time.  It means exposure.  It means repentance.  It means letting go when you hold on so tightly.  It means revelation and commitment.  Worship is not just about singing a song.  Worship is a lifestyle that cannot be defined by 30 minutes on a Sunday morning. 

In reality, worship is a struggle.  True worship means offering your son to God as a sacrifice, offering the best of all you have, denying your needs when you may believe yourself to be so needy, biting your tongue, loving your enemies, honoring God with your mind and body...not easy things to do.  Worship is a lifestyle, not something you can check off of your to-do list.  The feeling you get when you worship God when it is difficult far outweighs the momentary high you get before you are directed to sit down on those padded seats.  It's light years better.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Courageous

I recently watched this movie, Courageous, portraying ideals men should follow in order to be good fathers and in order to be the kind of leaders God wants them to be.  I started thinking about what kind of woman God wants me to be.  What kind of a woman am I?  What is my God-given role?

I came to realize that women of today have assumed the responsibility and try to fill the gap many men have left.  I am talking about the women that are single mothers that work full time plus some.  They still go to the soccer games, bake the cookies and pass around school fundraiser sign up sheets to everyone they know.  They are grandmothers that become mothers.  They are aunts, neighbors and friends that try to fill the void men have left.  They try to give children what is absent, but a woman just cannot give what a father can--no matter how hard they try.  The chasm left when a father does not fill his role is heartbreaking and takes much time and effort to allow the love of the heavenly father to fill.

Women see this pain, and as natural nurturers, want to make it better.  Some are women whose children may have a father present in the body but not in mind and spirit.  They grieve the loss their children feel and try to hold the family together-a job they were never intended to do. This makes them angry at their spouse.  This makes them resent the man that he is not. 

God sent me a husband that is fully capable of leading and directing our family, but I still try to control the reins and drive.  I watched my mother when I was young.  She was like some sort of super hero.  She would leave wearing her nicest clothes and red lipstick.  I wasn't quite sure where she went.  I would long for her return, and when she did, I would always meet her outside no matter how late it was.  I thought she must have done some very important things that day and still managed to go to the grocery store and run the errands.  It had to be important if it took so long. 

She was an important person.  She was an executive secretary at the first BB&T.  When I entered the workforce, I came to appreciate how she worked several jobs at times so that I could say I never felt hungry.  I never slept on the streets or outside.  She took care of the needs an absent father did not, and she never took anything from the government.  We survived.  For that, I will always be indebted.  Yet, I fear that my understanding of what a mother is became distorted.

I am upset.  I am grieved that though I do not have to do the job of my husband, I still feel this urge, even to the point of anxiety, to do the holding up of the family-to lead and take control when that is not what God wants for me.  I think this is due to my womanly need for a stable family life.  My method of having stability however, is not God's.  I do not need to step in and do the job as my mother did.  I often try to take the role of husband when it's not my place. 

It is not looked upon negatively for women to be more like men these days.  If anything, it is applauded.  But do we realize we are emasculating our men?  We are leaving no room for them to rise to the occasion.  We are not encouraging them or spurring them on to be Godly leaders.  We are making fun of them, telling them what to do and rolling our eyes.  We seem to live with them, but we are not one with them anymore.  We use them to fulfill our fairy tales.  We want the beautiful wedding, the big house and the babies.  We expect him to fit into his role as we have always imagined and get angry when he's not perfect (conveniently overlooking our own faults).  Many of our men have been raised by women and have no idea how to be the man God wants him to be.  Many of our men have only known men that hurt them, were selfish, didn't take care of their families, and didn't fear God.  Why can't we give him a break?

I think many of us women who didn't have a good male in our lives or had a lot of inconsistencies really want the man we marry to be that honorable man, a knight in shining armor that we have no problem listening to.  The thing is, our man is not going to be perfect.  He may be a good man, but he will have flaws.  A man that has flaws is not necessarily going to scar us as others have, but I think we often make him out to be a monster when he is merely human.  Minor flaws become magnified since we have been damaged by men before.  We really believe deep down that he will devastate us as well.  So, we try to control him.  We don't really know how to let him lead since we have never really seen how that works, and we don't trust him to.

We need to take a step back and read Scripture.  We need to get healing as individuals so that we can be the person God intended and who our spouse deserves.  Gender roles described in the Bible are not just antiquated and outdated musings.  They apply today.  God made men to protect, lead and take care of his family.  He made women to help, nurture and care for them.  He knows the power of a unified front when a man and woman accept their roles in the relationship.  He knows the power a couple that is of one mind can have.  He knows that whatever may befall them, they can handle it if they work together.  Two is better than one, and the two unified by the bond of God is unbreakable. 





Friday, February 10, 2012

Is There an App for That?

Have you ever gotten an e-mail or text and been truly confused?  You think to yourself... "They aren't really that excited of a person normally.  What's with all of the exclamation marks and smiley faces?"  This person you thought you knew has now morphed into some strange version of themselves when they text you.  You may also wonder what they're trying to say.  With all of the abbreviations and capitalizations, it gets confusing.  It can also be confusing to know what someone truly means without the voice inflection and hand gestures.  Writing of today is nothing like the writing of years past...when it was an art.  Letters were written carefully and thoughtfully.  Every word had to be perfect so as to reflect what was meant.  I think our "writing" to one another has become elementary and often pointless.
I am that generation that started growing up before cell phones, but by the time I entered college, they were popular.  I remember using phone booths and having to walk to someone's house to make a call.  I also remember that fun did not revolve around video games and checking Facebook relentlessly.  I admit, I like social networking, but I often grow tired of the lack of connectedness. You get details about people's lives without making the effort to actually call them or plan to see them face to face.  It's seems like an excuse.  You don't need to call since you already know what's going on in their lives.  Instead of being social, we are really isolating ourselves.

I guess I miss the adventure that technology has conveniently taken away.  There were no Apps or quick texts to get someone to help you out when you had questions or were lost.  You had to figure it out, or you had to actually talk to a real person.  I realize that our hand held devices can get us out of a bad situation, but they can also get us into one.  It seems that we don't think for ourselves as much anymore.  We have Google for that. 

I sometimes wish I lived in a more innocent time-a time when you weren't afraid to let your kids go for a bike ride at dusk.  I don't think those times are ever coming back, though.  That makes me sad.  That means as a whole, the people of this world are getting more and more evil...there's no App for that.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Life Decisions and Working Out

I recently started working out more.  Okay, let me start over.  I recently started working out. :)  I have started out slowly, but I have been pushing myself to do a little more every time I go to the gym.  This morning, I did a pretty intense workout.  I have been walking ever so slowly in my new heels today since my legs and butt are screaming at me not to move.

It's funny how one change in your life can make you feel so much better.  This simple little change I have made has already made a difference.  I physically and mentally feel better.  I know that exercising is releasing stress and helping me be a more healthy person.  I also know that there can be things in our lives that we acknowledge we need to do or change, but just keep putting it off.  Working out was my thing.  I'd say to friends how I knew I needed to do it, but just didn't have the motivation.  I was tired after work, or I didn't think I could get up that early.  What finally motivated me was how cheap the gym was and my husband joining the gym with me.  Even though we don't work out together much, we are both making a lifestyle change.  He is in it with me.  That is a nice feeling.

I think feeling supported in the change is crucial, especially if it is something you kind of dread.  It may be like going to the gym.  You know you need to do it.  You know you will feel better-all the way around, but you just can't seem to get yourself to do the very thing that would be positive in your life.  Sometimes, it can just take someone saying they will walk beside you through it that helps get you get going.  You may see a window of opportunity (like a cheap gym membership) and realize you would be a fool not to take advantage of it.  Other times, you just have to go for it no matter who is with you or how hard it may seem.
Little changes can create amazing results.  We just have to decide to make them each day.

Maybe you have a big change that needs to be made, but are petrified of how it will turn out.  Been there.  It can really suck.  I remember feeling scared to death to make decisions that I knew would alter life as I knew it, but man, I am glad I did.  After I made the decision, it didn't seem so big and scary anymore, either.  Every big decision is preceded by little decisions.  Just make good little decisions, and the big decisions won't seem so huge.  After all, it's the little things that seem to define us-not what everybody else sees.

Friday, January 27, 2012

For Better or for Worse

I really like weddings.  My definition of a "good wedding" is one where the love of the two people getting married seems to shoot bright beams of light out of them.  I find myself smiling from ear to ear when I see two people getting married that are truly meant to be.  They love each other completely.  When they say their vows, you know they mean them.  They mean that they are committed wholly to one another no matter what may happen.  They will put the other above all else.

Now, the challenges of fulfilling those vows can seem insurmountable.  Sometimes, it feels like "worse" is never going to be over.  Sometimes, you or your spouse, start to slip, or you may begin to truly realize what it means to keep those lovely words.  What does it mean to commit your life to someone else?  It certainly isn't realized by the time you get back from the honeymoon.

If you think about vows, and really dig into the meaning of them, they are kind of scary.  I realized after getting married how hard it can be to keep the vows I spoke with lovestruck candor when I didn't feel like there was any possible way the problem would be resolved.  How was I going to stick it out when we didn't seem to know how to communicate, when we had such different backgrounds, when circumstances of life sat on our marriage one ton of bricks after another?

I realized that no matter what, this was a commitment.  I decided long ago, even before that day when everything was supposed to be perfect and beautiful, that I would do whatever it takes to have a good marriage.  I would sacrifice what needed to be done away with, and I would swallow my pride.  How that pans out can be pretty ugly, but I certainly give it a whirl.  I had decided that I would meet him where he is instead of longing for him to do all of the work to meet me.  I realized that I had to stop whining about what I wanted him to do, and do something myself.  I needed to take the steps to have a good marriage.  It's always easier to meet in the middle once somebody takes the first step.

Without a doubt, marriage has changed me for the better, but it never would have been that way had I married the wrong guy.  Marriage is too hard to romanticize.  It should be placed at the very top of the relationship importance scale, behind a relationship with Christ.  Should it fall, you should fight to get it back to it's rightful place.  It's worth the risk of losing your pride or even losing other people.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Just Go for It!

I had a dream recently that I was flying.  I was flying in a modified plane (no top or sides) over orange mountaintops so close it seemed I could have bent over and skimmed the top of them with my fingers.  I was the ultimate of happy in this dream.  I wasn't afraid at all.  I am normally scared of heights, so flying back and forth without restraints over a mountain range is not something I would volunteer for.  In this dream though, I had no fear.  I felt euphoric and amazing.

Maybe heaven will be like that.  There will be no fear.  There will be no reservations.  We will fly to heights we have never been before, breathe in the most crisp and fresh air, and marvel at the wonders of God.  I know that when I woke in the middle of that dream, I was upset.  Had I not woken up, I might not have realized how amazing it felt.  I wanted to keep flying and feeling the unencumbered abandon.  I didn't want to wake to the me that worries and fears when it is so unnecessary.

I can't wait for heaven.  Well, I guess I have to.   What I mean is this life is short.  Heaven is the length of the entire classroom when this life is but a speck on the chalkboard.  That's an exciting thought.  There are adventures to look forward to there...and here, because even though it may not be easy to live that life of abandon in a world that is tainted, it is not impossible.  It is not unachievable.  It is worth trying to do.  That doesn't mean we jump off of the building so we can fly, but it may mean we do that metaphorically in our lives.  Where do we need to take the leap, and trust that the wind will carry us?  What summons us today to be bold and take the challenge we have yet to accept?  What has God been showing us we need to do, but we have been too afraid to do?  The opportunities to go for it, don't keep coming around.  There is usually a window of time to take that step, and then the window shuts for a long time-or even the rest of our lives.  It's decision time!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Hermit Crab or Eagle

It's nice to be sheltered from the rain.  It's nice to feel warm and safe, but does that make us grow?   If we never feel the sting of rejection and heartache of failure, in what way will we learn to fly?  How will we get the strength to leave the nest, when there is no reason to?  Will we sit on our perch up high watching as others feel the wind beneath their wings?  Will we sit motionless day after day as we long for the time when we can feel that way? Are we going to wait for others to carry us to where we want to be?

Having a life where the air bursts to life in flight cannot be attained if the fear of failure is not faced.  Freedom and self assurance is a product of stepping out when you aren't sure if you have the strength needed to carry you to safety.  It means trying and failing, but trying again.  It means getting hurt, but standing back up, brushing yourself off and moving on.  It means dreaming a dream and trying to see that dream through.  You may not always succeed.  You may struggle, but what is life without the fight?  What is this life without the overcoming of obstacles and the beauty of pain turned into strength?  Sometimes I wonder why there must be so much fight in this life, but then I remember, there will surely come freedom in that soon to be flight.

We are not born to stay tucked away in a shell.  We are born to break free and leave the remnants of that shell on the beach.  We are to explore and find new homes as we grow.  If we don't, we will end up cramped and suffocated, because we are too afraid to leave.  The more time passes, the less we move, the more we die inside.  We can let our insecurities, the opinions of others or circumstances of life drive us into a hermit-like life, or we can wake up tomorrow, push ourselves out of that shell and wade into the water.  What's it gonna be?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

To Be or Not to Be

What does it really mean to live?  Does it mean you breathe in and out, have a pulse and brain activity?  Is that what being alive is?  Yes, some would say.  You are alive if your body continues to keep you that way.

If it were as simple as that, we wouldn't have all of the controversy we do over euthanasia, suicide and what quality of life looks like.  We would simply see living as a biological process.  So, what does it mean to live?

I think to live is to be.  It is to be you without hang-ups and worries that drag you to a place where you aren't sure who you really are.  To live is to enjoy the people, experiences and things around you.  It's the ability to look at something you have seen time and again but still appreciate all that it means.  To live is to reflect, laugh, forgive, love and keep moving forward.  Living is not stagnant or motionless.  It is a state of perpetual motion that grows and creates.  Living is beautiful.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Resolutions

It's January.  The month designated to make a fresh start, turn over a new leaf, get skinny, and do those things that we have either been too scared to do or too lazy.  It is a societal expectation that we will join that gym, interview for that job, or change that behavior.

I was thinking about this recently and came to a conclusion: a true resolution may come at any time, in various ways and without your permission.  It isn't good intentions and trying for a few weeks, but then giving up.  A resolution takes guts.  It takes commitment.  A real resolution changes your life.  It rocks your world, because there is no going back.

I think it takes a lot of courage to move forward with resolve when what you are resolving to do is new, scary and unknown in every way.  God plops these resolutions in our laps and lets us decide if we are going to take the challenge.  He shows us it's time to face it and move forward in life.  He will be there every step of the way...but we have to say it's go time.

I am thankful for that kind of God and Father-one that sticks around to be the nudge that keeps me from backtracking.  A God that realizes the most perfect timing to lay the gauntlet down.  Isn't every good movie one where an immense challenge is posed to the main character?  It is one where the odds are against him, but in the end, he rises to the challenge and his life is never the same.  Why just watch these great stories?  Why not live one?