10 Things Your Mother Never told you about Marriage

I think many of us never had a specific conversation with adults in our lives about what marriage really looks like.  I hear many people say that they had no idea what marriage would actually entail.  They only knew of a dream.  Once they got married, they were unprepared for what life would be like.  I was definitely one of those people.

I have two young daughters, who may or may not get married one day.  I don't want them to enter into marriage with idealistic fantasies that will cause pain.  There are things I hope to say to them that will help if they do choose to marry.

1.) Marriage is not a fairy tale.

Though the princess movies portray a handsome, young man saving you from dire situations and whisking you away to a beautiful castle to be happy forever, this is not reality.  Marriage means juggling finances, children, unexpected health issues...the good and the bad.  Marriage may mean living paycheck to paycheck if one of you is out of work.  It may mean moving somewhere you don't want to.  The reality is that life won't necessarily be easy just because you got married.  All of your problems will not be solved.  Remember, you find completeness and wholeness in Christ.

2.)  Marriage is work.

It is sacrifice.  It is humbling and often not at all what you may have hoped or expected.  That's okay.  To admit our faults and sins is a good thing.  To ask for forgiveness, is a good thing.  To be broken and built up again anew, is a good thing.  Remember the commitment you made, and that God is with you no matter how difficult it may seem at times.  He is rooting for the success of your marriage and so are mom and dad.

3.) Prayer is key.

Pray for your spouse.  Pray for yourself.  Pray with your spouse.  I have often cried out, "God, please help us!" when we were locked in an argument that seemed to have no resolution.  I just didn't know what else to say.  He has always helped us.  Even when it seemed we would never work it out.

3.)  Let go.

Let go of whatever notion you have in your mind of what your spouse should be, and accept them as they are.  This doesn't mean silently accept degrading behavior.  It means you allow them to be human.  I think little girls can erroneously dream of their prince charming who will never do anything that displeases them.  You will both change throughout the course of your marriage, and that's okay.

4.)  You are a team.

Remember that.  You need to uplift and support your teammate, when they are scoring the winning goal, or when they are stuck on the bench.  See your spouse's strengths, encourage them and cheer them on.  Don't belittle their weaknesses, but try to help them and find solutions.  Your partner should do the same for you.

5.)  Let him lead.

Your husband is the spiritual leader of your home.  Eve paved the way for us ladies by eating that fruit and assuming Adam should do the same.  Men can be so enthralled with women, want to please us so, that they do what we assume to be right.
We can have the tendency not to let our husbands lead, and this is sad tragedy.  If he seems unsure, give him the space to lead by not taking control.  If he has a hard time taking initiative, talk about it.  Tell him how your feel.  Pray.  Your children need to see their father lead instead of following behind their mother constantly.  Your husband will end up feeling powerless and resenting you, and you may end up hardening your heart toward him.  This doesn't mean your husband should be a tyrant with absolute control.  It means he leads with love and gentleness as the Bible describes and as Christ gives as an example.

6.)  Get help.

See a counselor and not just when things get rough.  See a counselor before you marry and during.  Outside perspectives and help can change the course of your marriage.  Don't involve family members in your marital concerns.

7.)  Make a point to stay connected.

You will evolve and change over the years.  Be intentional about still learning and growing with your spouse.  Life can get busy, and it can be easy to lose touch with one another.  You don't want to wake up one day after your children have left home, and realize you don't really know the person you are married to anymore.  Even if it's just a few minutes a day, have a conversation, send messages and check in.  Ask how they are really doing and how they are feeling.  Support their interests.  Don't let your conversations only consist of daily tasks, schedules and what is going on with the kids.

8.)  Don't shut him out.

Though we ladies can be very good at the silent treatment, this is never useful.  You may be in pain and need some time before you can talk, but intentionally trying to punish your husband by shutting him out is a tactic that will only cause more pain.  Don't cut him off emotionally for good.  Be open and honest.  If you need outside help, get it sooner than later.  The longer we emotionally shut out our husbands, the more likely our marriages are to fail and contempt and bitterness grow.

9.) Be positive and respectful.

Positivity has been shown to work wonders in the mind and the marital life.  Instead of ruminating about how he didn't do the dishes or left his dirty socks on the floor again, think of how he fixed something around the house yesterday or got up with a child in the middle of the night.  Remember, you are flawed, too.  You may overlook the fact that you let that warning light stay on in the car too long, forgot to pay that bill or expected him to read your mind.

10.)  Christ brings life.

No matter how difficult it gets, remember that this breaking down and building up is part of the process.  Life comes from the marriage built on the foundation of Christ.  It's worth the struggle when you see your own personal growth, the growth of your relationship with your husband, and the stability your marriage brings to your home and your children.  It won't be perfect, but it will be alive, growing and changing.  Your kids will see the resilience and commitment you  have no matter the storms as you lean on Christ, and prayerfully, they will learn to find their foundation in Christ in their own marriages one day.

All in the Family

The dynamics involved in family units can be quite understated.  Quite unique.  They may have existed for decades or longer.

They can be evolved over time to serve a purpose.  Yet, when the problem or crisis is over, many find it difficult to move out of ways of relating to one another that should not be permanent.  They have a hard time moving forward, moving on.

For example, family members may find it difficult to function when an addict is in the family.  Coping mechanisms such as avoidance, enabling and the like may emerge out of desperation and survival.  Tough love can be shown in order to help the person who is a part of the family.  What happens when that addict overdoses or finds sobriety?  How does the family stop walking on eggshells or let this person back into their lives?  How do they learn to be open and honest instead of acting like the ordeal never happened?

These patterns can become ingrained in an individual and a family and dictate or influence future relationships.  Oftentimes, we don't even realize we are "stuck" in an unhealthy place.  We don't realize that our patterns of behavior may be hurting others around us when genuine authenticity, openness and vulnerability are necessary in relationships.  Many have learned to avoid those deep emotions.  Or maybe they think they should reveal pain and hurt only in private.  Yet, how are we to ever be truly connected with that antiquated notion?  Connection includes being able to accept the fact that others around us are in pain, and there is nothing we can do about it.  Yet, we are still tangibly there for them.  We don't shrink away from intense emotion.

Really loving others has nothing to do with us.  It's not about how good we feel that we fixed their problems, or how amazing it was when they opened our gift.  Loving them can mean saying hard things to them in gentleness and truth.  Loving others can mean being very uncomfortable ourselves.  Loving others doesn't mean we have no boundaries and let others walk all over us.  Loving others often means disappointment when the other person is not able to reciprocate the invitation to go deeper in relationship.

There are so many walls up.  So many of us walk around with gates and walls as thick as the castles of old, and the sad part is- we don't even realize it.  We have had these walls up to protect our hearts for so long, they seem to belong there.  These walls are daunting and seemingly unpenetrable.  Yet, there is hope.  Though it may be the scariest thing in the world to expose ourselves, it is not impossible.  With God, all things are possible.  With God, what we may have believed shameful, he transforms.  The pain we have protected becomes the doorway to help others.

I think one of the greatest weapons of Satan is to attack our identity and self worth.  Instead of focusing on Christ, we often look within, and that can be very dangerous.  Our human nature is despicable, and too much inward reflection creates great guilt and shame, or we start thinking we are okay the way we are, justifying and not admitting our sin.  When not countered with the gift of redemption found in Christ and new life, this only leads to utter despair and separation from God.

This all ties into how we relate to our families.  We find great hope, faith and courage in Christ.  He gives us all we lack, and there is no need for those walls.  Believing this also requries great humility and vulnerability accepting our depravity and also the absolute gift of saving life that we did absolutely nothing to deserve.  Once we stop expecting others to be or give what only Christ can, life becomes liberating.

We have been given the gifts of God.  They are ours.  Peace, joy, wisdom, faith, rest, hope, love... Yet we act as though we don't have these gifts.  We act as though we have to figure everything out and this often includes trying to make others meet deep seated needs.

May we all pray ferventaly for the transparency that can be ours, for the love of Christ to penetrate our hearts, for his healing balm and strong right hand to lead us to what is good and pleasant.  May we know the joy found in the unity of believers under the headship of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ.