The dynamics involved in family units can be quite understated. Quite unique. They may have existed for decades or longer.
They can be evolved over time to serve a purpose. Yet, when the problem or crisis is over, many find it difficult to move out of ways of relating to one another that should not be permanent. They have a hard time moving forward, moving on.
For example, family members may find it difficult to function when an addict is in the family. Coping mechanisms such as avoidance, enabling and the like may emerge out of desperation and survival. Tough love can be shown in order to help the person who is a part of the family. What happens when that addict overdoses or finds sobriety? How does the family stop walking on eggshells or let this person back into their lives? How do they learn to be open and honest instead of acting like the ordeal never happened?
These patterns can become ingrained in an individual and a family and dictate or influence future relationships. Oftentimes, we don't even realize we are "stuck" in an unhealthy place. We don't realize that our patterns of behavior may be hurting others around us when genuine authenticity, openness and vulnerability are necessary in relationships. Many have learned to avoid those deep emotions. Or maybe they think they should reveal pain and hurt only in private. Yet, how are we to ever be truly connected with that antiquated notion? Connection includes being able to accept the fact that others around us are in pain, and there is nothing we can do about it. Yet, we are still tangibly there for them. We don't shrink away from intense emotion.
Really loving others has nothing to do with us. It's not about how good we feel that we fixed their problems, or how amazing it was when they opened our gift. Loving them can mean saying hard things to them in gentleness and truth. Loving others can mean being very uncomfortable ourselves. Loving others doesn't mean we have no boundaries and let others walk all over us. Loving others often means disappointment when the other person is not able to reciprocate the invitation to go deeper in relationship.
There are so many walls up. So many of us walk around with gates and walls as thick as the castles of old, and the sad part is- we don't even realize it. We have had these walls up to protect our hearts for so long, they seem to belong there. These walls are daunting and seemingly unpenetrable. Yet, there is hope. Though it may be the scariest thing in the world to expose ourselves, it is not impossible. With God, all things are possible. With God, what we may have believed shameful, he transforms. The pain we have protected becomes the doorway to help others.
I think one of the greatest weapons of Satan is to attack our identity and self worth. Instead of focusing on Christ, we often look within, and that can be very dangerous. Our human nature is despicable, and too much inward reflection creates great guilt and shame, or we start thinking we are okay the way we are, justifying and not admitting our sin. When not countered with the gift of redemption found in Christ and new life, this only leads to utter despair and separation from God.
This all ties into how we relate to our families. We find great hope, faith and courage in Christ. He gives us all we lack, and there is no need for those walls. Believing this also requries great humility and vulnerability accepting our depravity and also the absolute gift of saving life that we did absolutely nothing to deserve. Once we stop expecting others to be or give what only Christ can, life becomes liberating.
We have been given the gifts of God. They are ours. Peace, joy, wisdom, faith, rest, hope, love... Yet we act as though we don't have these gifts. We act as though we have to figure everything out and this often includes trying to make others meet deep seated needs.
May we all pray ferventaly for the transparency that can be ours, for the love of Christ to penetrate our hearts, for his healing balm and strong right hand to lead us to what is good and pleasant. May we know the joy found in the unity of believers under the headship of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ.
They can be evolved over time to serve a purpose. Yet, when the problem or crisis is over, many find it difficult to move out of ways of relating to one another that should not be permanent. They have a hard time moving forward, moving on.
For example, family members may find it difficult to function when an addict is in the family. Coping mechanisms such as avoidance, enabling and the like may emerge out of desperation and survival. Tough love can be shown in order to help the person who is a part of the family. What happens when that addict overdoses or finds sobriety? How does the family stop walking on eggshells or let this person back into their lives? How do they learn to be open and honest instead of acting like the ordeal never happened?
These patterns can become ingrained in an individual and a family and dictate or influence future relationships. Oftentimes, we don't even realize we are "stuck" in an unhealthy place. We don't realize that our patterns of behavior may be hurting others around us when genuine authenticity, openness and vulnerability are necessary in relationships. Many have learned to avoid those deep emotions. Or maybe they think they should reveal pain and hurt only in private. Yet, how are we to ever be truly connected with that antiquated notion? Connection includes being able to accept the fact that others around us are in pain, and there is nothing we can do about it. Yet, we are still tangibly there for them. We don't shrink away from intense emotion.
Really loving others has nothing to do with us. It's not about how good we feel that we fixed their problems, or how amazing it was when they opened our gift. Loving them can mean saying hard things to them in gentleness and truth. Loving others can mean being very uncomfortable ourselves. Loving others doesn't mean we have no boundaries and let others walk all over us. Loving others often means disappointment when the other person is not able to reciprocate the invitation to go deeper in relationship.
There are so many walls up. So many of us walk around with gates and walls as thick as the castles of old, and the sad part is- we don't even realize it. We have had these walls up to protect our hearts for so long, they seem to belong there. These walls are daunting and seemingly unpenetrable. Yet, there is hope. Though it may be the scariest thing in the world to expose ourselves, it is not impossible. With God, all things are possible. With God, what we may have believed shameful, he transforms. The pain we have protected becomes the doorway to help others.
I think one of the greatest weapons of Satan is to attack our identity and self worth. Instead of focusing on Christ, we often look within, and that can be very dangerous. Our human nature is despicable, and too much inward reflection creates great guilt and shame, or we start thinking we are okay the way we are, justifying and not admitting our sin. When not countered with the gift of redemption found in Christ and new life, this only leads to utter despair and separation from God.
This all ties into how we relate to our families. We find great hope, faith and courage in Christ. He gives us all we lack, and there is no need for those walls. Believing this also requries great humility and vulnerability accepting our depravity and also the absolute gift of saving life that we did absolutely nothing to deserve. Once we stop expecting others to be or give what only Christ can, life becomes liberating.
We have been given the gifts of God. They are ours. Peace, joy, wisdom, faith, rest, hope, love... Yet we act as though we don't have these gifts. We act as though we have to figure everything out and this often includes trying to make others meet deep seated needs.
May we all pray ferventaly for the transparency that can be ours, for the love of Christ to penetrate our hearts, for his healing balm and strong right hand to lead us to what is good and pleasant. May we know the joy found in the unity of believers under the headship of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ.
No comments:
Post a Comment