People ask after a loss, "What can I do for you?"
Here are some general guidelines that have worked for me. Keep in mind, they won't apply to every woman/family.
By the way, I use the pronoun they most of the time, because I am referring to the woman who miscarried, her partner and family as miscarriage is a loss for them all.
1.) Ask if it's okay to come by, and let them tell YOU when and how. Visits are...difficult. When you're feeling like the world turned upside down and is resting on your chest, you don't really like to sit and chat. Also, depending how the miscarriage happened, she may be in pain or waiting to complete the miscarriage. They aren't going to want company if that's the case.
Also, don't bring anyone they aren't expecting even if it's a close friend or family member. They probably don't really want to hang out. It takes a lot of emotional preparation to interact. Think of it this way-someone very precious and dear to you just died suddenly and you are also so sick you can barely move-would you want people popping in?
2.) Bringing food is good. It's awesome. They are not going to be thinking about cooking and may not want to go out to get food. Just don't linger unless they seem like they want to talk. You could ask if you could leave it on the porch or if you should come inside.
3.) When they start going to social events, don't be awkward around them. They know when you're avoiding eye contact or trying not to have to talk to them, or over compensating by trying to be funny. They may act weird, but that's okay. Let them act differently. Grief is not just sadness. It is denial and anger and all of those things that people don't like to see. It's a lot of emotions all mixed up together that are expressed in ways that aren't always socially acceptable. Love them anyway.
4.) This may not be an issue for others, but I personally have a really difficult time with the question, "How are you?" When people ask so many times a day, the pain emerges to the surface. It is a simple question. A polite question. It's a reminder for some going through a miscarriage of just how crappy they do feel when they are trying desperately to somehow fit back into a world that seems to be spinning out of their control. It's a reminder of how much sadness overwhelms them constantly. It's not a bad thing to ask, but it can be seen as a silly question since obviously they are not doing well at all. Then again, I've never been one for small talk.
5.) Try to avoid asking questions. Remember, they don't want to be the one to educate you on this subject at this particular time or maybe ever. It's not her or her family's responsibility. And she doesn't necessarily want to give you details about what pain (physical or emotional) she is in at the present time. If she wants to talk about it, she will. And let her. One of the worst things to do is stop her from talking if she wants to open up. And listen letting her know you are sorry for her loss. This is terribly painful and excruciating to talk about. She is questioning herself constantly and doesn't need a reminder from you of all of those questions that have no answers. And on that note, try not to say things like, "This is common. You'll have a healthy baby one day." or "Just give it time. You'll feel better." Those things could be true...but not helpful when their hearts are torn in two.
6.) Telling stories about what you've heard from others or on the Internet may be your way of connecting, but isn't always comforting. No situation is the same, not even when the same woman has multiple miscarriages. It's understandable that you want to make them feel better by doing this. However, it could actually be the opposite of comforting.
7.) Go to the funeral/memorial service if they have one. This demonstrates how much you support them. How you validate the life that meant so much to them and was suddenly ended. I can't reiterate this enough. It's a funeral. It's the funeral of their child. Pay your respects.
8.) Keep on giving support to them months later. Just because some time passes, doesn't mean they're going to be back to normal. This was an enormous loss of hope. It's going to take time to regain any sense of normalcy. Let them know you still pray for them. The pain may still be very real for women who have had miscarriages years or even decades ago.
9.) Remember it may be difficult for them to be around babies or pregnant women for awhile. Be sensitive to this. Let them know ahead of time if you are able that those expecting or with newborns will be at social gatherings. Then they can decide if they can handle it and not feel taken off guard when they walk in to see a glowing pregnant woman or newborn. It's going to happen, and they may have a hard time with it. Let them have a hard time with it. They aren't upset someone else is happy. They are grieving the hole left from the absence of their deceased child.
10.) Be there for them in the way THEY need. That means respecting their wishes. Pray with them. Love them. Send cards, e-mails, texts and messages of encouragement letting them know you are thinking and praying for them. And... pray again and again.
Those things will most likely make them feel loved while expressing how much you care.
Just remember, you can't fix grief. Be honest, open and real. It goes a long way.
Here are some general guidelines that have worked for me. Keep in mind, they won't apply to every woman/family.
By the way, I use the pronoun they most of the time, because I am referring to the woman who miscarried, her partner and family as miscarriage is a loss for them all.
1.) Ask if it's okay to come by, and let them tell YOU when and how. Visits are...difficult. When you're feeling like the world turned upside down and is resting on your chest, you don't really like to sit and chat. Also, depending how the miscarriage happened, she may be in pain or waiting to complete the miscarriage. They aren't going to want company if that's the case.
Also, don't bring anyone they aren't expecting even if it's a close friend or family member. They probably don't really want to hang out. It takes a lot of emotional preparation to interact. Think of it this way-someone very precious and dear to you just died suddenly and you are also so sick you can barely move-would you want people popping in?
2.) Bringing food is good. It's awesome. They are not going to be thinking about cooking and may not want to go out to get food. Just don't linger unless they seem like they want to talk. You could ask if you could leave it on the porch or if you should come inside.
3.) When they start going to social events, don't be awkward around them. They know when you're avoiding eye contact or trying not to have to talk to them, or over compensating by trying to be funny. They may act weird, but that's okay. Let them act differently. Grief is not just sadness. It is denial and anger and all of those things that people don't like to see. It's a lot of emotions all mixed up together that are expressed in ways that aren't always socially acceptable. Love them anyway.
4.) This may not be an issue for others, but I personally have a really difficult time with the question, "How are you?" When people ask so many times a day, the pain emerges to the surface. It is a simple question. A polite question. It's a reminder for some going through a miscarriage of just how crappy they do feel when they are trying desperately to somehow fit back into a world that seems to be spinning out of their control. It's a reminder of how much sadness overwhelms them constantly. It's not a bad thing to ask, but it can be seen as a silly question since obviously they are not doing well at all. Then again, I've never been one for small talk.
5.) Try to avoid asking questions. Remember, they don't want to be the one to educate you on this subject at this particular time or maybe ever. It's not her or her family's responsibility. And she doesn't necessarily want to give you details about what pain (physical or emotional) she is in at the present time. If she wants to talk about it, she will. And let her. One of the worst things to do is stop her from talking if she wants to open up. And listen letting her know you are sorry for her loss. This is terribly painful and excruciating to talk about. She is questioning herself constantly and doesn't need a reminder from you of all of those questions that have no answers. And on that note, try not to say things like, "This is common. You'll have a healthy baby one day." or "Just give it time. You'll feel better." Those things could be true...but not helpful when their hearts are torn in two.
6.) Telling stories about what you've heard from others or on the Internet may be your way of connecting, but isn't always comforting. No situation is the same, not even when the same woman has multiple miscarriages. It's understandable that you want to make them feel better by doing this. However, it could actually be the opposite of comforting.
7.) Go to the funeral/memorial service if they have one. This demonstrates how much you support them. How you validate the life that meant so much to them and was suddenly ended. I can't reiterate this enough. It's a funeral. It's the funeral of their child. Pay your respects.
8.) Keep on giving support to them months later. Just because some time passes, doesn't mean they're going to be back to normal. This was an enormous loss of hope. It's going to take time to regain any sense of normalcy. Let them know you still pray for them. The pain may still be very real for women who have had miscarriages years or even decades ago.
9.) Remember it may be difficult for them to be around babies or pregnant women for awhile. Be sensitive to this. Let them know ahead of time if you are able that those expecting or with newborns will be at social gatherings. Then they can decide if they can handle it and not feel taken off guard when they walk in to see a glowing pregnant woman or newborn. It's going to happen, and they may have a hard time with it. Let them have a hard time with it. They aren't upset someone else is happy. They are grieving the hole left from the absence of their deceased child.
10.) Be there for them in the way THEY need. That means respecting their wishes. Pray with them. Love them. Send cards, e-mails, texts and messages of encouragement letting them know you are thinking and praying for them. And... pray again and again.
Those things will most likely make them feel loved while expressing how much you care.
Just remember, you can't fix grief. Be honest, open and real. It goes a long way.
