As my therapy recently concluded, I've been reflecting on the process. It's been quite an extraordinary journey. I started in a state desperate to change worn patterns that were like dusty, back country roads that had been traveled often but never repaired. I finished soaring high above it all.
I've said this before, but it's worth saying again; not everyone is going to have the same experience or outcome. I can relay what happened with me and hope and pray that perhaps it will help another in some way. Yet, there are so many factors that come into play, and I can't praise God enough for his timing as far as where I was in my journey and the therapist provided.
The entire process was much like an onion peeling for me. The initial sessions were not quite as difficult to peel off, but as we progressed, it took more effort and intention. It was more painful to break off the pieces. Once we got to the center, the core-seed of my trauma- I thought perhaps I was done. However, this seed needed to be dealt with. This was heart wrenching involving days of sobbing off and on-can't catch your breath sort of weeping that pierces your soul. It was intense, but absolutely necessary for my freedom. The processing of the seed of it all, was it for me. For now, at least.
During my last session, my therapist asked me to process the journey as I held the sensors. Being a very visual person, I saw the start as me walking along with heavy chains cascading behind me connected to large metal stocks that were on my shoulders with no visible means of coming off. I saw myself trudging along, falling down, slipping into the mud, but still moving. As I walked, some of the links would break off until eventually, all that was left were the stocks on me. This was the core, the seed. When this core trauma was processed, the stocks were gone. I became a butterfly that flew to a beautiful sunflower that had arisen from this seed. There were fragments from the seed lying around like plastic that wouldn't disintegrate. They all gathered together to create a bowl full of water that I watered the sunflower with. As a butterfly, I took the seeds from the sunflower and planted them in the barren field in front of it. This produced more flowers, whose seeds were used to plant more flowers. As this process continued, I saw myself sitting with the Master Gardener, Jesus. Resting in him, admiring the field. Enveloped in him.
As I adjust to these new pathways, it's a little scary, but in an exciting way-without the looming darkness that I had grown accustomed to. Life is an adventure now instead of a depressing drama or horror film. I will always have memories, yet they are just memories now. They don't hold a grip on my present reality. They are a means to help provide life and hope. That's my prayer.
The Lord bless and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
~Numbers 6:24-26
