INFP Emotions

Sometimes I feel like crying, and I have no idea why.  After lots of reflection, I can often backtrack and pinpoint the reason or reasons why.  Sometimes it is vaguely clear.  Other times, it's not.

It feels like you're standing in the ocean.  It's calm.  You're about waist deep.  Then suddenly a huge wave smacks you under water out of nowhere.  You didn't hear it coming.  You didn't see it.  You're just trying to get yourself back up.

I think a lot of this has to do with my personality type along with trauma I've experienced.  The way I think and feel and cope is all related to the way I see life.

I see life through a kaleidoscope lens.  It's magical and beautiful, but sometimes really overwhelming to stare at for long periods of time.  I have to make a conscious effort to change my viewpoint every now and then or I become dizzy and lightheaded.

I do believe that the intensity at which I feel things is a gift.  It's the salt of my life.  The issue comes in when there's too much salt, and I'm choking.

I do pray for balance so that what is good and majestic within my personhood does not drown me, overwhelm me and those around me.  I embrace the depth to which I feel and the carnival lens I look through.  I also know the danger of it, and pray that the Holy Spirit will temper it and subdue it when necessary.

I can find disappointment to be devastating to a point of despair.  This plays into my joy of hoping and dreaming of great things for myself and others.  Yet, slowly but surely, God is teaching me the joy of being disappointed.  Without disappointments, I would not be able to trust so fully in the surety that he never disappoints.  Through my roller coaster of emotions, he is firm and steady leading me to rest.

I love that I feel the depths of human emotion in such a vivid way.  I also love that God made me this way and loves me just the way that I am.  

Out of Death Comes Newness of Life

I really don't like waking up and realizing it's my birthday.  That may sound crazy, but I would be over the moon happy if I could just skip that day (which is today) altogether.  I get anxious just thinking about it coming up.

I don't get upset that I'm getting older, that I have more gray hair, or more aches and tiredness.  It's not about the actual process of being older that gets my panties in a wad.  It's the emotional pain associated with the day.  It's past events that make it a day where I feel all of those feelings again.  The rejection, loneliness, sadness and confusion all come rushing in like a tidal wave. 

When I grew up, my birthday was seldom about me.  I had put a lot of hope in this day as a child, because in my mind, on this day, I was supposed to be seen and treated nicely. For one day a year, I was supposed to be made to feel special.  Yet, I was met with disappointment as those around me did not know how to be consistent or selfless when the day rolled around.  I felt like an afterthought.  All of the built up hope was crushed year after year.  I longed to be acknowledged and appreciated.

Today is also Good Friday.  What a sad day as we remember Christ's suffering and death, yet joyous all the same as he birthed life that day.
It's also the day 9 years ago when I had our first miscarriage in the bathroom of our apartment.  Devastating.  Shocking.  I was numb with pain.  Yet, I also feel that the little life we saw is up in heaven now.

So, it would be very easy to wallow in all of this sadness and past hurt today.

I woke up with my son very early today.  I woke up to cuddles. Then, I went outside for a run.  As I was walking down the street, I heard banging.  I looked back at the upstairs window of the house to see my 2 daughters smiling and waving at me.  That moment.  Right there.  I thought, "This is good". 

My life is full of people that love me.  They remember me and try to do nice things for me on the day God created me.  I have always downplayed myself.  Yet, I would never do that to one of my children.  It's a defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt again.  I'm glad there are people in my life that want to celebrate the life God created in me.  I'm glad that those little girls have a mom they want to say goodbye to, smile down at, wave and blow kisses to.

As I ran my last mile today, I looked up at the sky so thankful.  The wind blew new growth from the Spring trees in my face, and I thought about how this newness of life is like the life of Christ.  He endured darkness to reveal new life that is incomprehensible.  Love is not love without sacrifice.  Love is not love without the basest humility. 

Jesus Christ is love. 

Happy Good Friday.