I'm with You

Here then there--
It doesn't seem fair.
Down then up,
That's enough.
No more please.
No more disease.
No more agony-
the stench of death
heavy on my breath.

So, here's my release,
My break from those chains.
I wait for the anvil to fall--
But it isn't coming.
I look up,
Confused and wondering,
why nothing is wrong.

I guess it's time-
Time to stop looking
For the dark cloud to hover.
It's time to look ahead.
Walk on.
Move forward
as the sunshine bathes my face.

It's different here
as I look around
without a care,
but thank you Lord
For answering that prayer-
For some peace.
For life instead of death.

Here it is.
Thank you God.
Here it is,
life without pain.
Sunshine...
longer than I have felt in quite awhile.

I will enjoy it.
I will savour the calm.
What you have in store
Is so much more.
More than I know now.
No matter if a storm brews
or the sunshine continues to bring sweet dew,
I'm with you.
Thank you sweet Father.
It's always gonna be with you.

Blooms of Spring

As Spring begins to reveal itself, buds bring about hope and the promise of something beautiful to come.  Tiny little buds tell us that something more is to come.

I wonder though...what happens to those buds that just don't bloom?  They are frozen in time.  All of the hope we had for them turns to disappointment as we discard them for buds that have bloomed.  They never become what they could have.

I think about how many buds have started to sprout in my life, but fallen by the wayside.  I think about what was missed if only I had fed and nourished what was growing.  I think it was good to starve some things from growing anymore.  It would have been futile to keep trying to make a bud become what it was never intended to be...anything more than a bud.  On the other hand, great beauty was lost, because I didn't foster those buds that would have become something different and good in my life.

I love that Spring comes every year.  That new beginnings arise from the dark cold of winter.  It gives me hope that God can make life grow anywhere and in any temperature.

Our Little Daffodil

One year ago today, what could have been, was no longer.  We saw that our child had died.  For me, it seems like just yesterdy when we left the doctor's office in silence.  But, time has passed.  God heals.  And our little one is with him.  We love you sweet Abby.  See you soon.

Don't Hurt Me

It's interesting how all of us put up a brave front in such different ways.  When we are hurt, when we have hurt from the past or when we are simply afraid the future will bring hurt.  Some of us quietly take it all in and try to contain the chaos that tries to escape from within.  Some of us plaster on a smile and try to cover the pain with the loudness of laughter.  Some of us scream and shout demanding that others see us and fix all that is so wrong in the world.  We may become angry.  Angry at God.  Angry at others.  Angry at ourselves.  We may deny that we feel anything.  We may really believe that whatever is wrong in our families, in our lives, is separate from us.  That if we just keep it at a safe arm's length, it won't get to us.  If we maintain our bubble of safety the wares of the world will bounce off.

But, living in a bubble isn't really living at all.  Remember that episode from Seinfeld....the bubble boy episode?  It wasn't that there was something wrong with everyone else.  He was the one that had something wrong.  The bubble was for other people to be safe from his infectiousness.  The bubble did create a distance, and it created fear. 

The point is, our coping mechanisms, that we deem as helping us not to get hurt, may very well be hurting others by creating confusion and a wall.  I am the queen of justifying keeping that distance.  I have to fight that and continue to step outside of that bubble.  Yes, my imperfection may rub off on others and I may get hurt, but I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.  He is the cure for all of our diseases.  And he is the reason we can step out into the world every day despite our brokenness and sin.  He makes everything whole again.  Every relationship that has gone wrong, every misunderstanding, every wrong he can make right.

Japan Tsunami

What is there to say?  What words could possibly even describe how devastating the most recent events have been? 

I find myself without any means to express how deeply this type of thing penetrates.  Some people want to keep watching the news and stay updated.  They talk about it with each other giving the latest updates.  I do just the opposite.  I don't want to see the devastation that is more than devastating.  I can't bear to see it as I feel so helpless to rectify the situation.  I can pray.  I can send money.  But, the paralysis from events like these is so very difficult to overcome.  It is so unbelievably out of human control.  Some may want to blame God saying he made it happen.  I think people do this because they need someone to blame.  Then they can re-direct all of that anger somewhere.  He is the one that has the answers in all of this.  However those answers come, they cannot be heard if we have earplugs in.

I can say this.  I am so deeply sorry for the loss of lives...for the loss of spouses, children, parents, grandparents, and even pets.  I am so sorry for those hoping and praying their missing loved one will be found alive by some miracle.  I am so deeply sorry that there may never be closure for those that will keep looking up at every noise hoping that person missing will walk through the door.  My heart hurts for you.  My heart prays as my lips just cannot.  As the sun shines brightly here, a cloud of pain covers Japan.  Why should a disaster like this not happen here in the States?  It may be right around the corner.

I have lived a life without natural disasters wiping away the life I knew.  For that, I am very grateful.  As things like this continue to happen around the world, my gratitude grows as well as the knowledge that I am not exempt. One thing is for sure,  though.  Whether the rains fall or not.  Whether the storms rage or only sunshine's rays.  We can rest assured that God will never change.

Regret

How far do you extend yourself to try to make someone else okay, before you are not okay yourself?  Where is that line?  How do you know when you are about to take that step that will plummet you to a place that is nearly impossible to recover from?  How do you know when all of that giving of yourself has been in vain?  When will it be clear that you may have never really helped at all, but hindered?  You got in the way of the person you wanted to help so badly by doing what they needed to do themselves.  Or, you gave so much energy and thought into fixing a problem for another person that you created a whole slew of problems in your own life.

Hindsight is 20/20 only if you are smart enough to learn from your mistakes.  To learn that no matter how your heart aches for that person, you can't make them all better.  There may be an explosion waiting to happen, and they are about to throw a match on the source.  You alone cannot stop them from doing it.

I wonder sometimes what the motivation is for all of this giving to others.  Is it really all about them?  I think we like the feeling of getting credit for good decisions...what they inevitably have to decide.  I also think that their failure is somehow seen as a reflection of us.  If we are associated with this person who fails in life, we believe we have failed.  Sometimes, we distance ourselves from these people to avoid that stigma.  Sometimes, we educate them so we seem set apart from them.  Sometimes we get so enmeshed in their lives, it can be difficult to see where they end and we begin.

When they leave our lives, we often feel regret, usually from not doing enough for them.  Whether we had done more than needed or didn't do anything at all, in both instances, we did damage.

I am finding that balance more so now.  After years of trial an error, I am learning how to relate to people in such a way that hopefully I do more good than harm.  God has blessed me with knowing others that teach me how to help.  They aren't teachers, preachers or counselors.  They are those that people often throw their hands up about, becuase they just don't know what to do for them.  I have learned so much about healthy boundaries in relationships, what my role is and how to trust God when there seems to be no hope.  For a long time, I let others take from me what I did not have to give.  All that did was hurt both of us.  Without those times, I never would have learned the lessons I did.  Without the pain of mistakes from the past, I would not know the joy of living a full life now.

So, although my heart is burdened by the choices others make that I love, I know that God feels that pain, too.  He doesn't forget and listens to unspoken prayers. I may wait, but He is never late. 

What is Your Personality Type?

http://similarminds.com/jung.html
Take this shortened version of the Myers Briggs test! 

It can reveal a lot that you kind of already knew, but never could quite put your finger on.  If you are honest, the results can help you understand yourself and others a little better.  Once you take the test, the link below can give you more information about the test in general and your specific personality.  Fun stuff!

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/

I'm not a Perfect Person

Remember the song?  The next line goes, "there's many things I wish I didn't do."  I have to say, I lean toward perfectionism in life.  I constantly analyze my behavior, thoughts and emotions.  A bit excessively, too.  I continue learning, as the song says, that being an imperfect being can be a beautiful thing.  I don't think the focus should be on what we can or cannot do or what we say so eloquently or harshly.
No.  I think the point is that we need to learn from our imperfections.  When words come out of our mouths that never should have.  When we do things that we later regret.  We need to give ourselves a break and others, too.  We do need to be held accountable, but  given the permission to be imperfect as we inevitably will be. 

Maybe you are like me.  Maybe you still think about that stupid thing you said hours after the fact and wonder if you have damaged a relationship for good.  Maybe you did.  Maybe that person can't even remember what you said.  The point is, we all need to give each other room to be human.  We need to let things go and let ourselves off the hook realizing the mistake and changing our behavior.

We also need to be open and honest about the things that others do that hurt us.  How will they ever realize it and change if they never know?  How much damage will be done?  Will it cause the end of a relationship after years of apparent happiness?  Will it keep a distance in that relationship, because those things were never talked about?  And will it all be because we weren't honest about how the words said so carelessly or thoughtless actions hurt us so deeply.  Did you think you could just brush it aside forever?  Did you think you didn't need to make a big deal out of it, because it seemed silly?  Nothing is too silly to talk about if it is hurting.  Someone that really cares about you won't make fun of you but try to work out the situation.  Even if they do not completely understand, the beginning of resolution comes from being as open and honest as possible.  It may take lots of conversations and possible arguments, but it is well worth the understanding that will most likely come between you and that person that loves you.

I believe I have rambled some, but I think it has been an important lesson I continue to learn.  To leave the perfect thing to God.

"THERE WILL BE A DAY" (Official)

Georgia Bill and Miscarriage

Okay people.  Read the bill.  Just read it. Here it is:  http://www1.legis.ga.gov/legis/2003_04/fulltext/hb1.htm

HB 1 - Abortion; petition superior court for permission 
That's the title of it.  Obviously the focus is abortion.  I admit I was highly offended at first. Someone posted on the Internet that women could get the death penalty in the state of Georgia if they could not prove they did not have anything to do with the death of their child-if the bill passes.  I was mortified that could happen.

Then, I actually read the bill.  It is a great bill.  It is trying to reverse Roe v. Wade.  I am all for that.  It could make physicians have to sign a certificate or something like it when a child is miscarried.  I would have loved for my child to be recognized in such a way.  I see this as a bill to protect babies and honor those that die for unknown reasons.  So, before we accept what the media says, we need to do our homework.

I also don't see how a woman could say this bill infringes on her rights.  The right to kill your child?  If you are heartbroken after a miscarriage, how could you not be heartbroken after an abortion?  Either way, a baby died.  If I lived in Georgia, Franklin would get my vote!

Soggy Sponge

Have you ever felt powerless....to stop something terrible that you see is going to happen?  How do you stop others from making choices that will end up killing them or believing things that are destructive.  How do you help those that want no help...those that do not believe they need help?  How do you bear the burden?

I recently began doing some research into my family history.  I find it more than sobering how decisions made generations ago affect my family now. What we do now does not only have consequences for us and the people around us presently, but generations in the future.

I find this somewhat comforting, as I believe I am making decisions now that will benefit those generations.  But, my heart breaks when I think of family members who live in darkness now because of the seed planted so long ago.  I cannot fix them.  I cannot make them see the truth.  I cannot make them healthy individuals.  I feel like a soggy sponge.  I love them dearly, but see that torment will most likely be their fate unless they change their ways.  I see that they live a sad life. 

No words come when I pray.  Just a girl crying before her King with unremitting sorrow.  He is no conventional King, but kneels down beside me as his heart hurts for them more than mine.  We cry together for this beautiful soul.  He holds me tight as we wait for them to choose right.  Thank you blessed Father, for the gift of a burdened heart.

Oh, Happy Day!

Time and reflection often bring peace and hope.  They don't necessarily bring understanding, though.  I am still adjusting to the feeling of having the floor fall through.  I am still trying to figure out how to live here. 

My heart aches as I recall when the floor was beginning to crumble.  As I did everything I could to keep it from caving in.  As I prayed and cried, and cried and prayed every day for God to save our baby's life.  That little life that was growing inside.

Now, I realize he did save her life.  I realize we will see her again, but oh the ache of a mother's heart that is apart from her child!  It is more than I can bear at times.  When I can't breathe, I fall to my knees and pray God would give me what I do not have.  The strength to believe.  The strength to be blessed.  The strength to have faith.  Because I still don't know why.  I still feel in the dark.  I am still so very human.

I long for the day when all eternity waits as I feel that sweet little being's embrace.  Through her, God has taught me what love, hope, and faith really are.  And though it seems like forever right now, he knows the brevity of the wait when mother, daughter and father meet.  Oh, what a happy day that will be!

Judge Not

I walked in today;
I hid my face.
What a disgrace!

I sat down quietly
and kept my head down,
Trying to avoid the people all around.
Some of them were dirty.
Some of them smelled.
Some acted funny
and some were just weird.

I did what I came to do
and left unassumingly.
I hoped I would never go back.
I hoped that was the last time.

You see, you never think
the person needing food...
will be you.