Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Picture of Living Hope

       So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,                    
                                    but on what is unseen. 

so we fix
For what is seen is temporary,
                   but what is unseen is eternal.                 

                                                       II Corinthians 4:18
 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Holding Back the Pain

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to ignore it or press it down further, the sludge erupts with the force of a geyser.  There it is, bubbling up like a dark brown fountain.  It's ugly and unexpected, but strangely a sight of relief.

I am talking about times when deep pain and hurt finally press it's way upward to be exposed.  Maybe we didn't know how to process it when whatever happened that caused the emotional ball of pent up sadness, fear and anger.  Maybe we kept avoiding it.  Maybe we were intensely aware of it, but kept pressing it down trying to keep others from seeing what we are doing.

When it does burst out into the light, it seems it can be embarrassing.  Yes, we often believe it will be embarrassing to admit that we didn't handle things very well in the past, that we are human, that something mucked up the plumbing for so long, and we tried to hide it.  We are embarrassed that we couldn't handle it.  What should we be embarrassed about, though?  I think satan appeals to our sense of pride so that we won't heal sooner, and so that we will try to continue to swallow something that was never meant to stay inside of us.

This reminds me of a funny yet pretty disgusting story.  When I was in college, my best friend and I decided to visit Chicago.  We took my old car on our little adventure halfway across the country. 


On our way back, I started feeling awful.  Later, we realized we had caught a nasty bug from the family we stayed with.  By the time we had crossed Ohio back towards Virginia, I was sweating profusely, but I had to keep driving since my friend was from out of the country and had never gotten a license.  We had to stop continuously so I could vomit on the side of the road if there were no bathrooms close by. 

My friend, on the other hand, seemed perfectly fine.  She even got chili cheese fries and an orange from Sheetz on one of my mandatory stops as we got closer to the place we were staying for the night.  I seethed at her in disbelief as she peeled that orange.  My need to hurl grew with every peeling that came off.

I just kept driving, though.  I had to find a bed.  I had to lay down.  About thirty minutes before we arrived, she said she felt nauseous.  By this time, I still felt nauseous but most of my bodily fluids had left one way or another.  We got to the home we were staying at and crashed.  I finally fell asleep.  A few hours later, I woke up to my friend asking me to help her in a voice of dire desperation.  I didn't know what to do...I was starting to gag hearing her starting to gag.  She ended up painting a nice white carpet the color of chili cheese fries while I ran into the kitchen to dispel the remains of my stomach which was mostly water.

For hours, my friend had been holding in what all came out at once.  She thought it would go away.  It certainly didn't.  It kept coming back stronger and stronger until finally, she couldn't control it any longer.  If we swallow the hurt, it's going to grow and make a mess of things, but if we learn to recognize when it is there and dispel it in the right places to the right people, it can't grow into a monster that will embarrass us when it unexpectedly comes out.  I learned from that trip the importance of just letting it out!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Contented Frustration

Have you ever had a goal, but never had any idea how it would become reality?  From where you are now, there are no bridges to the side where that dream seems possible.  You know there are steps that can be taken, but God has you in a place where there is nowhere to step.  You have to stand on the edge of the cliff seeing the dream in the distance, longing for it as you continue to walk the same beaten down path you have traversed continually.  You are tired, often listless and doing your best to continue to do your best. 

I find it hard to be in a place like this.  I hate being bored and am intensely impatient when I am ready to move.  If there is no means of transportation though, we are bound to fall into the chasm that separates us from what we long for.  There certainly is a time for everything.  God never said when or how he would let us know. 

I think we know it's time to move when heavenly stairs appear from out of nowhere.  Without warning, an anointed staircase is there for our convenience.  We did not build them or orchestrate their precise arrival when we deemed fit.  No, they arrive on heavenly time.  Everything is aligned beyond what we can understand so that we land perfectly in new territory.

No matter what the dream in the distance may be, God will take us there when the time is right.  The hard part is treading that same piece of ground until the time comes.  It's interesting to me that no matter how long I have been doing something or done the same thing over and over again, I can still learn new things.  I can still realize how I missed something that was being taught.  Why should we be in such a rush to move, when there is more to learn?  There is more to glean from where we are now.  We need all of that wisdom to successfully tackle new experiences to come.

I think of a young child who desperately wants to be like the big kids.  I think of the little boy that just wants to be big and strong like his Daddy.  Eating their vegetables will be beneficial, but it won't make them grow up overnight.  It's a process.  That's the way it was meant to be.  Even if they seem ready, sometimes parents know that they aren't and to try to jump to the other side is only going to hurt them.  God knows us so well, and he knows what is best for us, too.  He knows the best timing when we often have no idea what that is.

The grass does always look greener on the other side, but I wonder how often we jump ship to that side when we haven't gleaned all we needed from where we were.  My prayer today is to breathe in and out, take one moment at a time, and thank God he holds me in his hands.  I would surely make a mess of things if I didn't trust him in my times of frustration.  Being content was not a suggestion.  God told us to do it.  So, let's do it!

Friday, March 23, 2012

You'll Love me When I'm Dead

I'm not sure why I thought about this last night shortly before succumbing to sleep.  I was thinking about the atmosphere at funerals and how we behave when someone dies.  People often whisper, walk around with their hands folded in front of them, look somber and sometimes like they are trying very hard not to step on imaginary needles coming out of the floor.

We are respectful, and it seems that funerals are a place where the deceased are given a chance to be seen in their best light.  We don't tell stories about what horrible people they were.  No matter what kind of person they were, we highlight what was good about them.  We talk about what made them special, what their talents were and the good they did.  Why is it that we seem to be able to love others best after they are dead? 

We know that there is no chance for them to change now.  We know that there is really no point trying to make them be something they aren't.  We appreciate them more, because we won't see them again this side of eternity.  Those terrible things they may have done are still terrible, but they do not define who they were.

In life, we may have wanted them to be so much more, to reach their potential, but isn't life about the journey?  They just ended theirs before we may have thought they had found their way.  All of this is not for us to determine.  Who are we anyway?  We certainly are not God.  Why can't we love someone in life as we do in death?  Why can't we love them where they are instead of withholding love until they get to where we think they need to be?  Why must we criticize and judge while forfeiting prayer for them?

We are human.  That's why.  We want perfection from others though we can never give it ourselves.  We think we know the answers when in reality, we have no idea what their answers are.  We didn't create them or set a path for them.  That is between them and God.  We tend to put our concern for what is best for them above our love for them where they are.  Even if we are right, why should they listen to us if we have not truly loved them?

When we realize how brief life is and how short our time with others really can be, we learn to live in the moment with others and appreciate the creation God made.  Life is but a breath.  Fill it with love.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

An Anxious Heart

Have you ever taken your stress out on a person that really has nothing to do with why you are stressed out?  We often do not feel we can stand up for ourselves or defend ourselves to those in authority over us.  It may be our parents, bosses or even friends that are vomiting their anxiety onto us.  What often happens?  We also pick a weaker target to get the stress off of our backs.  These are not the most honorable moments for human beings.

Something else can happen when the stresses of the world bear upon us.  We can eat that stress.  Instead of letting it go or even placing it on others, we can just hold it in.  We can give it a home to grow into a bigger and bigger monster until it seems it takes over who we are.  We cannot see clearly.  We cannot think clearly.  We just move on from day to day trying to avoid what we have given a home.

So, how do we get rid of the anxiety that we live with?  How do we let go without hurting others?  That's something I struggle with daily.  There are lots of calming techniques and prayers that can be prayed when you feel anxious, but how do we "be anxious for nothing"?  How do we "cast our cares upon him (Jesus)"?  How do we do this immediately?

I think that if we have allowed and even invited anxiety into our lives since childhood, it is very difficult to break the pattern.  I find myself purposely having to push thoughts out of my mind, give myself positive self talk and rehearse the truth.  Some days things just get to us more than others, and those are the days that prayer and constant divine intervention is needed.

I think the root of anxiety is low self-confidence.  It could be not feeling confident in relationships, in our profession, but mostly in who we are.  If we constantly doubt ourselves, we will always be anxious.  We will always wonder if we can really do life.  If we have had significant loss or fear it, we can also tend to feel anxious about losing what we do have. 

I think repeating the truths of God Word is imperative to changing destructive patterns and forming new ways of thinking and feeling.  We need to see ourselves and others the way God does.  We need to believe in our hearts that he takes care of us and those we love.  We need to realize that we are all human, and we will never be perfect.  We need to be concerned about what God thinks, not so much about the opinion of others.  They are not living our lives.  It's easy to say these things and nod our heads in agreement, but for many of us, it takes back breaking work to live it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Being Truth

Do we pray for those we judge?  I don't like to think about how often I find fault and then sit in the stench of disgust with my finding.  I don't usually have realizations about others and then feel empathy.  No, it is just easier to sit back with my hands crossed and a smug look on my face as I glare at the truth of something that seems so wrong to me.  I am ashamed to put down on paper how unloving I really can be.

Why do I think last to pray for the people I am judging?  Why do I not automatically go to that place that loves them?  Why can't I take my observations to the throne and place them there instead of harboring them in my heart.  I sit on them as they hatch arrogance and bitterness.

I am ashamed of this almost automatic response I have.  Just because I see the truth of a situation, doesn't mean I am God.  It doesn't make me jury and judge.  No, I am trying to train myself to pray first....not after I already judge the person, but immediately.  This is extremely difficult to do!  Mankind seems to complicate everything.  We have a God that sees before, after and all sides of every situation and every person.  Why must we try to out-do him? 

God doesn't give us discernment so that we can gossip, dominate and separate ourselves from others.   No, the stronger brother is to help the weaker brother.  Is there any better way to help someone than to pray for them?  I am not just talking about asking God to bless them or be with them.  No, I am talking about intercessory prayer.  It's the kind where you are speechless and mesmerized by God as you fall to your knees at the throne with his creation on your heart.  You don't bring your bitterness or condemnation of them.  You come broken and humbled lifting someone up to him that probably doesn't have the strength or insight to come themselves. 


Discernment should not be an opportunity to inflate ego.  It should be a blessing of humility, and a lesson in obedience.  I am humbled today as I think of how many people I need to pray for, and how many people I see that are living in a fog and can't seem to find their way out.  I see where they are and how they are taking the wrong roads, but how often have I just watched them run around like a mouse in a maze?  How often have I been broken bread and poured out wine for them in prayer and in practice?  How often have I gone out of my way for someone I have nothing in common with and no inclination to be friends with? 

It is not enough to see or know the truth.  That doesn't make you a better person.  You have to live it.  You have to be it.  Isn't that what Christ did?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Hooked on a Feeling

Recently, my husband and I were talking about different styles of music in churches.  He brought up a really good point.  Some of the music in churches seems to be addictive because of how emotional people get when they sing.  It seems that people are mistaking true fellowship with God with an emotional high. 

I have definitely done this.  I get so caught up in the emotion of the song, that I am not really worshiping God.  I am a very emotional person, so sometimes it takes awhile for me to differentiate between an emotional high and feeling the presence of God.  I think there is a distinct difference, though.

God is usually pretty subtle but powerful.  He doesn't swoop in like a marching band and mesmerize.  I think God is present, especially where two or three are gathered in his name, and waits for us to come to him there.  Sometimes, the way the music is played over and over again in increasing volume can make us feel like the Holy Spirit has made an appearance, but that could just be us getting worked up by the music.  Also, God is always everywhere.  Whether there is loud music playing and people raising their hands or we are on our couch at home alone.

I think we can have spiritual experiences, probably more genuine and more frequent, when we are intentionally seeking God in stillness.  It saddens me that church has become a production.  It is the gathering of believers, but I find that it has been cheapened to suit television audiences and what is culturally tolerable.  I feel like we have forgotten the boldness of Jesus.  He said it like it was at the right time no matter who he offended.  Not out of any selfish ambition but because it was true.  People needed to hear and see how to truly live a life abandoned to God.

When I think of what the church has become, I think of a lot of sheep moving in a direction that culture dictates.  Is church another type of drug that is acceptable for Christians?  We feel good we went.  We feel good singing the songs.  We hear a feel good sermon and feel good talking to the people sitting around us.

Truly worshiping God does not make you feel good all of the time.  It means exposure.  It means repentance.  It means letting go when you hold on so tightly.  It means revelation and commitment.  Worship is not just about singing a song.  Worship is a lifestyle that cannot be defined by 30 minutes on a Sunday morning. 

In reality, worship is a struggle.  True worship means offering your son to God as a sacrifice, offering the best of all you have, denying your needs when you may believe yourself to be so needy, biting your tongue, loving your enemies, honoring God with your mind and body...not easy things to do.  Worship is a lifestyle, not something you can check off of your to-do list.  The feeling you get when you worship God when it is difficult far outweighs the momentary high you get before you are directed to sit down on those padded seats.  It's light years better.