Stopping to See the Joy of Motherhood

This evening, I sat outside in the grass watching my baby girl put rocks in a Tupperware container and throw them out over and over again.  She squealed with delight like it was a new celebration every time.  I looked over grinning at her as the sun crept down into the sky.

Just minutes before this, I couldn't stop thinking about the two-week high grass that blew in the wind, our mammoth hedges and garden that sat plowed but seedless for weeks.  I was embarrassed that our yard looked this way.  I even commented to a neighbor how the grass was going to be mowed soon as she was taking a break from mowing her own yard.

Yet, watching my daughter get joy from a Tupperware dish and rocks, changed my mindset.  I thought about all of the busyness around me.  I could hear lawn mowers and weed eaters doing their jobs to tidy up unkempt lawns.  It dawned on me how my daughter has forced me to slow down.  I couldn't do yard work right now or any other work that required my full attention.  I have to watch her, and watching her has forced me to really see her.  I have seen the little person she is becoming and the discoveries she makes every day.  Really being with her and seeing who she is has also forced me to stop being so busy.  I would rather tickle her and play peek-a-boo than cut the grass sooner.  I don't want to miss one hug or kiss, because some menial task is taking my attention away.

There have been years when no little one has graced our home and there will be years to come when she will be gone.  Those are times to get the yard looking nice, the house decorated just the way I want it and to pursue career advancement.  Right now though, she is way too important to stress myself over things that really don't matter in the light of eternity.  I am a mother.  Now that statement has eternal significance.  That statement bears the weight and seriousness of a true calling.

I don't know why I am a mother and others are not, but I can assure those who yearn to hold a child in their arms; I do not in any way take motherhood for granted.  I hold each hug a few more seconds, breathe her in and kiss her again.  I hold her little hand when we snuggle and pray over her every night.  She knows her Mommy loves her.  It is a job I take very seriously.

With that being said, everything isn't done around the house.  I deemed it more important to spend the evening cuddling with my baby, reading her stories and helping her fall asleep.  My heart is full. It was a good shift.  

I'm Only Human; My Journey Reconciling Grace and Works

I wish I could get everything straight in my head.  It's like a squiggly line of tangled confusion.  My view, my acceptance of God.  It is anything but clear right now.  It is anything but easy to follow or even look at.  I have for so long required God to do what I want before I accept him.  It is daunting to realize the pain I have caused him; the distance I have ensured.

It began in my infancy.  It began in yours, too.  Our moral compass began to form as we first tried to defy adults around us.  Their response to this sinful nature, began our journey.

I learned early on that being "good" paid off.  If I was good, meaning if I followed directions given to me by adults (parents, school teachers, babysitters, Sunday school teachers, the bus driver), I would be rewarded with their favor.  To me, this also translated into believing that if I were good enough, I would merit their love.  If I was perfect enough, if I was quiet enough, stood in line straight enough, got perfect grades and perfect attendance, I would be loved.  Otherwise, I was barely noticed.

Those pats on the head, verbal inflations of the heart, sustained me until I would need the next fix. Does that seem sad?  An 8 year old girl only felt acceptance and love when she was told she met someone else's expectations?  Maybe not.  I think a lot of us were never told, verbally or non verbally, that no matter what we did or didn't do...we were loved.

I learned from church that I was so bad, Jesus had to die for me, but I never quite got the memo that my "badness" was washed away by the shedding of his blood.  I heard this message, but the expectation rang louder that good kids act a certain way and Jesus isn't pleased if you don't. If I were to be a good Christian, I had to be good all the time.  That's the problem...I could never attain this. There was a distinct separation between good kids and the bad kids.  I grew up believing that being good meant pleasing others, and this was the only way to be accepted.  I became like a mouse scurrying on a wheel in a cage.  I could never quite grasp the total acceptance and love I yearned to know.

So now, I ponder the meaning of grace.  I find myself grappling with the notion that I am wholly accepted and the debt is paid.  I don't have to do anything anymore.  I keep wondering what the catch is.  I know there is none, but my heart is waiting for God to be like everyone else; waiting for the fine print to be read where I must perform so that he will love me.

I sit here trying to stop believing that even Jesus wants more from me than I can give.  How very crucial it is not to teach our children that their worth is based on works.  Their worth is in their being.  In being a human being created by an almighty God whose sins have been paid for.  Yes, flawed.  Yes, a mess at times...but forgiven.  Truly loved...when acting morally and not.

I sit here reflecting on my many works done in the name of God grieving the fact that only a handful were done graciously, in the name of Christ.  How I have squandered time and resources so that I could distance myself from God-getting my high from meeting the expectations of others and ignoring God, because he didn't do what I expected of him.  How childish.

I digress.  These misgivings are forgiven.  These sins of pride and foolishness are wiped away by the blood of the Savior.  What a blessed gift.

You're Turning One Today

It seems we just brought you home,

Our tiny bundle
The most beautiful thing we'd ever seen

Was born along with the flowers of Spring.

You've been so smart-

Right from the start.

You explore and investigate

The curiosities of this world.

Your beauty is unsurpassed,

The longer one looks,

The more they gasp.  

Your sense of humor

Makes everyone laugh.
You are such a happy, silly child.

We stop in our tracks

When you flash

that infectious smile.

You are determined and strong-

Attributes that will help you

When life seems so wrong.

Life will never be the same

Because you are here.

It is more vivid-bright.

Full of light.







We will never forget

The day you were born.

When we first caught a glimpse

Of the face 

We would forever adore.

               Happy Birthday Baby.

                       We love you.

From Baby, to Toddler, to Adult; It's Happening Way too Fast

I have read a lot of articles and blogs lately that go into detail about the reality of day to day life with kids.  The authors expose their frustration and exasperation with lack of sleep, tantrums, outings and the general neediness of their children.  These commentaries are witty, funny and have an attraction that comes with honesty.  Most of them have a paragraph or sentence at the end that states how their kids are worth it all-every sleepless night, every time they can't leave on time, and every tantrum in the middle of the grocery store.

This past week, I have been especially appreciating our not so little baby.  The trials of parenthood seem small lately.  All of a sudden it seems, she is growing into a toddler.  I turn around to find her investigating anything she can get her hands on.  Recently, she found a dead bug and decided to munch on it as well as some cords lying on the floor.  Yeah, Mommy and Daddy haven't quite baby-proofed everything.

I realized how quickly 9 months has passed.  She is becoming more and more independent by the day.  As I was giving her a hug the other day, the future flashed before my eyes.  It was as though I could feel myself hugging this same little girl 20 some years from now.

I am letting go to allow her explore her world now, and I will be then, too.  Whether she decides to go off to school, start a business, travel, get married-whatever it is- I will give her the same tight squeeze before sending her on her way to find out what this world is all about.  I want to hold her longer.  I don't want her to get hurt or find that what seemed so exciting isn't that great.  No, I don't want her to feel the sting of rejection and disappointment, but I know she must.  It's a part of growing up that she must learn to endure and then, press on.

Rocking her last night, I told her that no matter what, we would be there for her.  No matter where she was, what happened, or what she did or didn't do...her parents would always be there to squeeze her tightly when she needed it.  That's our job, and we will never quit.

Merry Christmas, Darling

On Christmas morning,
I don't want presents under the tree.
No, that's not what I need.

I hope you give me that smile.
I hope to unwrap a giggle
with every single tickle.
Please lay your head on my chest,
and throw your arms around my neck.
This is what I ask.
Forget about the rest.

Look up at me and smile.
Talk to me for awhile.
Grab my leg to pull yourself up,
and reach for me when you want to stand up.
This is what I ask.
I don't need lots of stuff.

Rest in my arms.
Go to sleep for awhile,
And let me hold you precious child.
To know you-
is to know love.
You truly are
a heaven sent, gift from above.

The Gift of a Child to an Imperfect Mother

I write a lot about my little girl these days...probably because she teaches me so much.  She is teaching me to enjoy life and to savor every part of my day with her.  I had a moment of intense gratitude today.  As she splashed and played in the tub, looking up at me every few minutes so I could see her laugh,  my heart burned with warmth.  I thought back to when we found out we were pregnant, going through the pregnancy, labor, bringing her home, staying up with her at night as a newborn and seeing this ever changing being before my eyes.  I teared up thinking of how fast it has all gone by.  My little baby is getting bigger.  She brings so much light to my life.

I can't help but smile when she waves at the Christmas tree every time we walk into the living room or when she tries to put her finger in my mouth so I'll pretend to eat it.  Yes, there are times when I just don't know what she wants, when my nerves are fried and I just want her to go to sleep so I can have some quiet.  Yet, all of that frustration seems to disappear instantly when I watch her sleep, see her play and hear her talk to her toys.  I am full of gratitude tonight.

I wonder sometimes how God could entrust me with the task of mothering her.  I worry that I'll "mess her up".  I try to remember that God is bigger than me and my fallacies.  He knows what he's doing, and that includes taking care of this beautiful baby girl.  He will parent alongside me.  I cannot control a lot of things, but I can pray for her and with her.  I can teach her to look to her heavenly father.  I can show her that although I have weaknesses, I can admit them and strive to let God be greater through them.

Yes.  I am feeling very blessed.  What an amazing gift.  To love a child.

My Kid is Just as Good as Yours; A Mother's Rant

Becoming a parent is such a whirlwind of an experience, you find yourself trying to get as much information as possible.  You want that little human you are caring for to become a decent adult.  There are those you seek out to answer parenting questions.  However, some" information" from others is unsolicited.  And it's annoying.  "Oh, your baby isn't __________ yet?  You need to _______,_______ and __________.  MY son/daughter did that a lot earlier."  Yeah.  Annoying.

Also,  is it really necessary for us to compete as parents?  Why must gatherings of small children include parents spending most of their time volleying back and forth with what their child can do? Must we try to use our children to one up each other.  Is that really necessary?  Are we that insecure?  Do we realize we are elevating our child higher than the others based on their performance?  We are also being prideful.  So what if some kids develop a little bit slower.  So what if they develop faster.  Why must we compare our children when they are all so very unique and different.

I just want to be able to spend time with other parents without the nonsense.  Maybe my little girl doesn't crawl yet, because Mommy and Daddy hold her a lot.  I don't care what anyone says. I will enjoy holding this little girl as long as I can.  I will enjoy only having one child right now that I can give my full attention to.  I am just so tired of hearing others say that we spoil her.  If that is your opinion, you are entitled to it...but I didn't ask to hear it!

Being a parent is hard enough.  Why can't we all just support one another and embrace the differences?  Okay.  Rant over.