You Should Know Better. You Were Raised in Church!

Growing up going to church 3+ times per week, I was exposed to lots of singing of hymns, praise and worship and countless sermons.  There were Easter Cantatas, Christmas musicals and Vacation Bible School every year not to mention ministry teams, visitation and Bible studies on a weekly basis.  There was a lot of "church activity" in my life.

With all of this religion filling my days, some good foundations were set and some not so good foundations were also erected.  I realized recently that I still have the mentality that I should know better than to sin or make mistakes.  After all,  I memorized all of the books of the Bible and countless verses before I was 10.  I sat nice and quietly in church.  I tried to do my devotions, went on missions trips and devoted my time and resources to the church for decades.  I really should know better than to be having any sort of trouble with old sins, lack of faith or fear.  Why was I not instantly trusting God?  I should be happy and full of faith all of the time like a good Christian.

I found that I was rebuking myself for having any type of difficulty with belief that God had already forgiven me and loves me.  I was placing myself in another category where I didn't think God could reach me.  Sure, he can forgive the prostitute and drug addict.  They don't know any better. How could he forgive the lifelong, card-carrying church member that certainly knew better than to question God?

I was putting myself in a higher place than I ought.  It's a place that God does not reside.  Peter, the rock of the church, certainly should have known better than deny Christ.  David and Abraham had very dark days despite being God's men.  Why should I tell God, he can't forgive me or help me?  Why should I tell him that I need to get myself together, and then I will present myself to him?  If a godless man can present himself to Christ just as he is, why can't I?  Why must I feel the need to "put on my Sunday best" before letting myself be seen by God?  How silly when God sees us all of the time!

I think I believed "being good" would make me closer to God or make him love me more somehow.  I never saw people at church that were all cleaned up talk about their struggles.  It's nice to know that even though we may cover up the smell and dirt with Sunday clothes, God still loves us.  He invites us not to pretend anymore.  I am very thankful for that.  He will patiently help us truly be clean by taking the time to wash every blemish away until we are whole.  I thank God this Easter Day for a Savior that loves a child who still goes her own way apart from him.  He still calls her home to clean up the mess she has made.  Hallelujah, He is Risen!

The Daffodil and the Rose

For the past three years, March 29th has been a day laced with sadness as we think of the little baby that died in my womb.  Although we are still saddened by the memories surrounding this anniversary and the days following, we have something miraculous to look forward to this year.  Another baby is on the way, and will arrive very soon!

I was looking in the mirror last night at my belly in absolute awe.  I just kept wondering, "Am I really 9 months pregnant?  Has God truly blessed me?  Is this all a dream?"  I guess there is a part of me that is waiting to wake up.  It is so amazing to think that there is a little human being created by the hands of the Father of all...sleeping, hearing my voice, sucking her thumb, and rolling around in there.

God continually reminds me that he keeps his promises.  I worry if this baby will live...even at this late stage in the game.  It really isn't my call.  I know that whether she lives here or in heaven, she will be his.  I also know that each second we have with her, I will cherish so much more now that I know the pain of never knowing our first child.

Daffodils are usually one of the first flowers of Spring to bloom.  When we lost the first baby, I had found one by itself in the woods the day she left us.  I also witnessed a little girl giving her Daddy a Daffodil at the airport as she greeted him when he arrived home.  I believe God was showing me that we would one day meet her, and she was safe with her Father in heaven.

It's funny how the flower theme transferred as we began thinking of names for this child.  We are naming the new baby Sarah Rose.  Rose is a family name honoring a great grandmother that is in heaven.  It is also symbolic of the resurrection of Christ.  The first baby left us on Good Friday.  The rose symbolizes the life this baby will bring.  It is symbolic to me of the blood Christ spilled for us (color) and the pain endured (thorns) in order for us to know the beauty of the rose.

I feel blessed to know I will one day meet a child I once carried who now lives in heaven, and within a few weeks, I will also meet another child whose destiny was to live here on earth.  God began teaching us how to be good parents long before now.  We had to learn to let go of expectations and any right to any child with whom God chooses to bless us.

Although I am sad today, the resurrection is just a few days away!  I can't imagine the pain God felt as he watched his son die a horrific death.  It was all to save an undeserving people.  I pray that we can place God's will above our own desires as parents and that we will raise a child who would make the ultimate sacrifice, whatever that may be, if called to do so.

Infertile by Choice

People often ask me these days if the baby I am carrying  was part of our 5 year plan due to the timing.  I usually force a smile as I am looking away and say, "No, it just happened that way."   I always feel tears trying to well up as I quickly change the subject.

I know people who have had infertility issues.  My heart breaks for them.  I have never known the unique pain they experience.  Yet, I feel we were "infertile" for years.

We were not faced with disappointment month after month while trying to conceive.  We faced disappointment month after month, because God said it is not the time.  I yearned as the months passed to know what it would be like to carry a child.  We grieved the child that was unexpected and lost.  We purposely tried NOT to get pregnant for years.  We were not physically infertile.  We were emotionally and spiritually infertile.

I felt tortured by this.  I felt guilty that much of the reason I was not holding a child in my arms was because of the issues I needed to work through.  I felt I was robbing my husband of the life he had dreamed of as well, but he was always more concerned about me and our marriage.  He was thinking of the child we would one day hold.  We needed to wait in order to be good parents.

That is why every moment we have with this child, every second, means more than words can describe.  The time is now, and I wouldn't trade a single tear or minute that we waited.  God's timing is impeccable.

Balloon Release

Yesterday, I happened to look up into the sky while I was driving to see a red, heart-shaped Valentine's Day balloon floating listlessly up into the sky as it's white curly string of a leash followed.  At first, I thought it was sad someone lost their balloon, but then I thought about the  balloon I have in my bedroom.  It is scrunched up against the ceiling with nowhere to go but still pressed tightly against that white plaster in hopes of escape.

The verse in Matthew came to mind that says if we find our life (or cling to it), we will lose it, but if we give up our lives for Christ's sake, we will find it.  That balloon symbolizes freedom.  It made me feel at peace to witness it's flight after it was let go.  The balloon in my room will never know what it's like to make a carefree flight into the sky.  If I leave it there, it will eventually deflate, pop and be thrown away.

I wonder what I am clinging to that needs to be released.  What have I held so close that has never been let go into the wide expanse God has created?  Am I suffocating true life by coveting relationships, my right to myself, external sources that fill my needs or security?   I pray God shows me what strings I have a grasp on that I shouldn't so that I don't end up with a room full of dead balloons.  What is never released to him, never has a chance to grow, live and thrive where he intended.

A Child of God

I look down these days to see a belly that is growing by the moment.  Sometimes I think, "Is this real?  Am I really pregnant?  Will I really be holding a baby in a little over two months?!"

It's something I have waited 31 years for...to be a mother.  I guess it doesn't sound progressive and modern, but I have always wanted my profession in life to be Mother.  I enjoy my job, but in my mind, nothing compares to the immense privilege, responsibility and joy of raising a child.  I feel like I have done the interviews and been waiting for years to now finally get the job!  The wait has made me so very grateful for the little one moving inside of me at this moment.

I have seen the look in other women's eyes that I once had when I talked to a pregnant woman...sadness and envy.  I empathize with them, but also admire them for continuing to wait or adopting children that so desperately need a good mother.  We all have different paths in life, and it is so hard not to compare our journey to the journey of others...especially when your heart's desire is to carry your own child.

God continues to teach me to let go...to release control of what I have never had control over.  He decided it was the right time for this baby, and he decides the course of her life.  I may carry her in my belly, but she has always been his.  She always will be.

Pregnancy Brain

I guess when you're pregnant, you're brain turns into mush.  That seems to be what's happening to me anyway.  I also seem to get upset (crying or angry) over things much more easily.  I was already an emotional person, so this is really fun.  It's like my brain is in a fog. 

I think just knowing you are pregnant brings about so much emotion.  There is anxiety and excitement just with the knowledge that inside of you is a life that is growing and changing everyday.  Then, you add the hormones on top of that.  Wow!  Some days I want to cry all day.  Some days I want to yell at people all day.  And some days, I want to do both.

Regardless of how crazy I feel, the thought that I can be a small part of God's creation, whom he knew before the world began and is knitting together at this very moment, is worth every hormonal outburst.  I don't know what the future holds.  God knows all too well how terrible it would be for a person like me to know the future.  I wouldn't be able to plan enough for it or not stress out about it.  I thank God for each moment this child is with us. 

Be Yourself

I have a husband that chooses to work extra hours, because we have a baby on the way.  I have a warm home, a good job and people in my life that love me.  So, when it's hard to have faith, God reminds me of these things.  No, I cannot see into the future, and there are times when I freak out worried that bad things will happen.  But I serve a God that loves me despite my lack of faith.  He creates opportunities for me to learn to trust him, and seek him when the way seems dark.  The amazing thing is that it is he in me I am praying for when I pray for faith.  What I am really praying is for self to be slain and for him to be glorified in me.  Forget common sense and the way that seems right.  God does not make sense.  We see bits and pieces of the puzzle.  The designer should be directing his creation, not the one that was created.

When we pray for patience or faith or hope or any of those fruits of the spirit, we are really praying to see God.  That is what I hope my heart can want more than it does.  I don't think I am that different from others who may feel as I do some days.  I know I should want to know God more than I do...but I don't.  That's okay, though.  God takes us as we are.  That's the great thing about him.  All we have to do, is be ourselves.