Growing up going to church 3+ times per week, I was exposed to lots of singing of hymns, praise and worship and countless sermons. There were Easter Cantatas, Christmas musicals and Vacation Bible School every year not to mention ministry teams, visitation and Bible studies on a weekly basis. There was a lot of "church activity" in my life.
With all of this religion filling my days, some good foundations were set and some not so good foundations were also erected. I realized recently that I still have the mentality that I should know better than to sin or make mistakes. After all, I memorized all of the books of the Bible and countless verses before I was 10. I sat nice and quietly in church. I tried to do my devotions, went on missions trips and devoted my time and resources to the church for decades. I really should know better than to be having any sort of trouble with old sins, lack of faith or fear. Why was I not instantly trusting God? I should be happy and full of faith all of the time like a good Christian.
I found that I was rebuking myself for having any type of difficulty with belief that God had already forgiven me and loves me. I was placing myself in another category where I didn't think God could reach me. Sure, he can forgive the prostitute and drug addict. They don't know any better. How could he forgive the lifelong, card-carrying church member that certainly knew better than to question God?
I was putting myself in a higher place than I ought. It's a place that God does not reside. Peter, the rock of the church, certainly should have known better than deny Christ. David and Abraham had very dark days despite being God's men. Why should I tell God, he can't forgive me or help me? Why should I tell him that I need to get myself together, and then I will present myself to him? If a godless man can present himself to Christ just as he is, why can't I? Why must I feel the need to "put on my Sunday best" before letting myself be seen by God? How silly when God sees us all of the time!
I think I believed "being good" would make me closer to God or make him love me more somehow. I never saw people at church that were all cleaned up talk about their struggles. It's nice to know that even though we may cover up the smell and dirt with Sunday clothes, God still loves us. He invites us not to pretend anymore. I am very thankful for that. He will patiently help us truly be clean by taking the time to wash every blemish away until we are whole. I thank God this Easter Day for a Savior that loves a child who still goes her own way apart from him. He still calls her home to clean up the mess she has made. Hallelujah, He is Risen!
With all of this religion filling my days, some good foundations were set and some not so good foundations were also erected. I realized recently that I still have the mentality that I should know better than to sin or make mistakes. After all, I memorized all of the books of the Bible and countless verses before I was 10. I sat nice and quietly in church. I tried to do my devotions, went on missions trips and devoted my time and resources to the church for decades. I really should know better than to be having any sort of trouble with old sins, lack of faith or fear. Why was I not instantly trusting God? I should be happy and full of faith all of the time like a good Christian.
I found that I was rebuking myself for having any type of difficulty with belief that God had already forgiven me and loves me. I was placing myself in another category where I didn't think God could reach me. Sure, he can forgive the prostitute and drug addict. They don't know any better. How could he forgive the lifelong, card-carrying church member that certainly knew better than to question God?
I was putting myself in a higher place than I ought. It's a place that God does not reside. Peter, the rock of the church, certainly should have known better than deny Christ. David and Abraham had very dark days despite being God's men. Why should I tell God, he can't forgive me or help me? Why should I tell him that I need to get myself together, and then I will present myself to him? If a godless man can present himself to Christ just as he is, why can't I? Why must I feel the need to "put on my Sunday best" before letting myself be seen by God? How silly when God sees us all of the time!
I think I believed "being good" would make me closer to God or make him love me more somehow. I never saw people at church that were all cleaned up talk about their struggles. It's nice to know that even though we may cover up the smell and dirt with Sunday clothes, God still loves us. He invites us not to pretend anymore. I am very thankful for that. He will patiently help us truly be clean by taking the time to wash every blemish away until we are whole. I thank God this Easter Day for a Savior that loves a child who still goes her own way apart from him. He still calls her home to clean up the mess she has made. Hallelujah, He is Risen!
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