People often ask me these days if the baby I am carrying was part of our 5 year plan due to the timing. I usually force a smile as I am looking away and say, "No, it just happened that way." I always feel tears trying to well up as I quickly change the subject.
I know people who have had infertility issues. My heart breaks for them. I have never known the unique pain they experience. Yet, I feel we were "infertile" for years.
We were not faced with disappointment month after month while trying to conceive. We faced disappointment month after month, because God said it is not the time. I yearned as the months passed to know what it would be like to carry a child. We grieved the child that was unexpected and lost. We purposely tried NOT to get pregnant for years. We were not physically infertile. We were emotionally and spiritually infertile.
I felt tortured by this. I felt guilty that much of the reason I was not holding a child in my arms was because of the issues I needed to work through. I felt I was robbing my husband of the life he had dreamed of as well, but he was always more concerned about me and our marriage. He was thinking of the child we would one day hold. We needed to wait in order to be good parents.
That is why every moment we have with this child, every second, means more than words can describe. The time is now, and I wouldn't trade a single tear or minute that we waited. God's timing is impeccable.
I know people who have had infertility issues. My heart breaks for them. I have never known the unique pain they experience. Yet, I feel we were "infertile" for years.
We were not faced with disappointment month after month while trying to conceive. We faced disappointment month after month, because God said it is not the time. I yearned as the months passed to know what it would be like to carry a child. We grieved the child that was unexpected and lost. We purposely tried NOT to get pregnant for years. We were not physically infertile. We were emotionally and spiritually infertile.
I felt tortured by this. I felt guilty that much of the reason I was not holding a child in my arms was because of the issues I needed to work through. I felt I was robbing my husband of the life he had dreamed of as well, but he was always more concerned about me and our marriage. He was thinking of the child we would one day hold. We needed to wait in order to be good parents.
That is why every moment we have with this child, every second, means more than words can describe. The time is now, and I wouldn't trade a single tear or minute that we waited. God's timing is impeccable.
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