Couples Therapy

You never know what happens behind closed doors.  A couple may look blissfully happy to everyone else, but once that door closes behind them, all hell breaks loose.  I know.  I lived that.

My husband is truly a gift from God.  He was given to me when I did not deserve him.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we were meant to be.  He was God's choice for me.  Yet, our relationship was pretty miserable for years.  We were madly in love, but we did not know how to live with one another.  We did not understand one another.  It was as though we kept trying to force the other to understand a language they had never heard before.  I brought lots of baggage from a traumatic childhood and grief from the deaths of those I loved.  This infected our marriage. 

After years of various types of counseling, primarily for myself, and literally falling on my knees sobbing over and over again before God, things started to get better.  Eventually, our marriage became fun, light and full of life.  That doesn't mean we don't fight.  Two very stubborn people, are going to argue, but there is now a respect for him that I didn't have before.  I think I was scared to be married in the way that was good and healthy.  I was afraid that if I truly trusted him, he would hurt me like I had been hurt before.  I was also very selfish.

I have a friend that was surprised to hear this since it was evident we were very in love, but being soul mates doesn't mean there isn't work to be done or hard times ahead.  Had we not had that deep love God placed in us for one another, I am sure we would not be together today.  It is only by the grace of God that I am still married to this amazing man.  God's grace washes away all of our sins and changes us from within.  God's love is what brought us together and kept us together.  With it, anything is possible.

For Better or for Worse

I really like weddings.  My definition of a "good wedding" is one where the love of the two people getting married seems to shoot bright beams of light out of them.  I find myself smiling from ear to ear when I see two people getting married that are truly meant to be.  They love each other completely.  When they say their vows, you know they mean them.  They mean that they are committed wholly to one another no matter what may happen.  They will put the other above all else.

Now, the challenges of fulfilling those vows can seem insurmountable.  Sometimes, it feels like "worse" is never going to be over.  Sometimes, you or your spouse, start to slip, or you may begin to truly realize what it means to keep those lovely words.  What does it mean to commit your life to someone else?  It certainly isn't realized by the time you get back from the honeymoon.

If you think about vows, and really dig into the meaning of them, they are kind of scary.  I realized after getting married how hard it can be to keep the vows I spoke with lovestruck candor when I didn't feel like there was any possible way the problem would be resolved.  How was I going to stick it out when we didn't seem to know how to communicate, when we had such different backgrounds, when circumstances of life sat on our marriage one ton of bricks after another?

I realized that no matter what, this was a commitment.  I decided long ago, even before that day when everything was supposed to be perfect and beautiful, that I would do whatever it takes to have a good marriage.  I would sacrifice what needed to be done away with, and I would swallow my pride.  How that pans out can be pretty ugly, but I certainly give it a whirl.  I had decided that I would meet him where he is instead of longing for him to do all of the work to meet me.  I realized that I had to stop whining about what I wanted him to do, and do something myself.  I needed to take the steps to have a good marriage.  It's always easier to meet in the middle once somebody takes the first step.

Without a doubt, marriage has changed me for the better, but it never would have been that way had I married the wrong guy.  Marriage is too hard to romanticize.  It should be placed at the very top of the relationship importance scale, behind a relationship with Christ.  Should it fall, you should fight to get it back to it's rightful place.  It's worth the risk of losing your pride or even losing other people.

Women of Power

I had been mentioning a movie I really wanted to see to my husband for the past few weeks.  When I got home from work yesterday, he had this look on his face like he had an amazing secret.  He then told me he had rented a movie for us to watch.  I asked, and he had me try to guess.  He kept me guessing and had this air of excitement in his voice.  Finally, he told me the title, and I got very excited.  A look of pride and satisfaction came over him like a little boy who had just retrieved a runaway balloon and presented it to it's owner.

Seeing how wonderful it made him feel that he pleased me, made me think about the power we as women have over the men who love us.  They want to make us happy. Even more than that, they want affirmation that they please us.  The job of being the man in our lives is very important to them, and they want to do it well.  We can make them feel lousy or like superman.  We have the tools to nurture and the nature to tear down. 

A nagging and negative woman is like a bad boss.  Our men end up not wanting to come home to that job if their wives are constantly tearing them down.  He doesn't want to hear all of the things he isn't doing right and never hear about the things he does do right or how much effort he does put into the relationship.  I am not saying in any way that women are superior to men.  I am saying that a good man is made better when he knows he is making a positive contribution to the life of the woman he loves.  He becomes a better leader and a better person.

Women need to recognize the power they hold in their hands.  Men may not appear to be fragile, but remember, they give their hearts to us and willingly make themselves vulnerable.  They may not seem sensitive, but when it comes to the women they love, they are probably more sensitive than we are.

I am so very thankful that my husband opened up his heart to me and continues to daily.  I pray today that the words I speak and actions I take re-affirm that being vulnerable with me is a good decision.

Fear of Confrontation

I just had to put this picture up.  I know you guys feel like you need headphones a lot!  As a female, I concur that the wrath of a woman's scorn definitely needs to be muted by some nice tunes. 

But seriously, communication with anyone is hindered when one person thinks they are "discussing" an issue, but all they are doing is using a verbal mallet to try to beat the other person into submission.  This kind of confrontation only creates fear.  I think we can grow up learning it is better to avoid any sort of confrontation so you don't get yelled at.

How easy is it to feel fear or intimidation and quietly tuck your tail between your legs as you exit the back door trying to keep from being seen?  It is definitely less scary not to stand face to face with what frightens us.  We try to avoid conflict where we we could be lashed out at and hurt.  That seems normal.  What does bowing out gain, though?  When is it the right time to avoid confrontation, and when is the right time to embrace it?

Of course, it depends on the situation, but I think if you are trying to stealthily sneak away from it, you probably need to be facing it.  I know there are times when it really isn't a good idea to confront that person or issue at the moment.  In those times, you can feel it.  It just doesn't feel right.  You aren't necessarily scared of the confrontation, the time to open Pandora's box just hasn't arrived.  And when you do confront at the wrong time, it just gets more messy and confusing that it should.  We should never confront in anger or to be dominant.  But to face our fears and reveal the truth.  To bring about change and clarity.

I also think that the word confrontation gets a negative connotation when it shouldn't.  Confronting something doesn't mean you have to raise your voice or be foul.  No.  Confronting can be as sweet and gentle as a mother singing her baby to sleep.  You choose your words carefully and try to understand the point of view of others.  You may see the truth, but trying to shove that down someone's throat will make them see it even less, most likely.  To confront someone or something successfully, it should be well planned and thought out.  It should be done out of love.  That can be so very difficult when the reason we confront others is most likely due to our frustration and charged emotions.  That all has to be put aside.

We need to express what we think and feel without expecting it to necessarily be completely accepted.  We need to ask for input and others' opinions, because we may need to alter our view, also.  What I see that can be born of confrontation, is compromise.  Why can't we just sit down like rational people and not get stuck at the confronting part?  We seem to want to pitch a tent there instead of try to meet in the middle or just start over.

If you think about it, our days are filled with confrontations, big and small.  We may be worried about an impending confrontation, be surprised by one, or try to run away from one.  The longer we run from it though, the more stressful it gets.  Just because you don't talk about something, doesn't mean it disappeared.  No.  It's just under the surface being fed by pent up tension and fear.  Don't wait too long to talk about those problems that have been thrown under the rug.  They can turn into monsters that start to tear up your soul.