Be Yourself

I have a husband that chooses to work extra hours, because we have a baby on the way.  I have a warm home, a good job and people in my life that love me.  So, when it's hard to have faith, God reminds me of these things.  No, I cannot see into the future, and there are times when I freak out worried that bad things will happen.  But I serve a God that loves me despite my lack of faith.  He creates opportunities for me to learn to trust him, and seek him when the way seems dark.  The amazing thing is that it is he in me I am praying for when I pray for faith.  What I am really praying is for self to be slain and for him to be glorified in me.  Forget common sense and the way that seems right.  God does not make sense.  We see bits and pieces of the puzzle.  The designer should be directing his creation, not the one that was created.

When we pray for patience or faith or hope or any of those fruits of the spirit, we are really praying to see God.  That is what I hope my heart can want more than it does.  I don't think I am that different from others who may feel as I do some days.  I know I should want to know God more than I do...but I don't.  That's okay, though.  God takes us as we are.  That's the great thing about him.  All we have to do, is be ourselves.

Right on Time

They say the best things in life are worth the wait.  They are worth the struggle, tears and sleepless nights when our humanity kicks into high gear and our faith is tested.  What is truly of value costs our right to ourselves and our pride.

I am a grateful woman. The Creator of the universe, time and every tiny living thing that exists has seen fit to direct my path in a direction I never thought it would go and sometimes didn't want it to go.  Yet, here I sit, amazed at how he knits my life together. So, I will get to the point.  We are pregnant!  Right now, a little miracle is happening.  It is amazing, surreal and the timing of God.

 I have been asked in various ways since our miscarriage 2 1/2 years ago when we were going to try to have a baby.  I must say that my reaction depended on the day...didn't care, irritated, ambivalent, sad, or just thought it wasn't anyone's business.  That question was always weird to me.   Eric and I weren't the ones in charge of the whole thing...that's God's department.  I wondered why people were asking me such a very private and emotional question that I couldn't answer for them and didn't want to give the details of when put on the spot, usually in a public place.  Rarely was I asked how I was feeling about the topic or how they could pray for us.  I felt like a side show exhibit at times.  I must also say that there were those that prayed for us and were very patient when I was not.  It must have seemed odd to others that we were very capable of getting pregnant, but we purposely tried NOT to get pregnant.

God's timing is absolutely perfect.  I am convinced.  After we lost the baby, I spiraled down and kept on going.  That loss was worse than any other, and there was no way that it would have been healthy to bring a new baby into that situation.  It took at least a year to recover, and then another to try to repair and build up our marriage.  I have prayed since I was a little girl that my kids would have a loving home where they felt safe and that they knew their parents were deeply in love with one another.  I thank God for Eric who was wise enough to see when I could not.  It takes time to learn how to walk again when you've been paralyzed for awhile.  It takes time to build a home.  I am so thankful that God answered my prayers for the next baby to come when he saw fit.

With that said, when we did find out we were pregnant, I freaked out some.  Yes, after waiting almost three years, I thought God was a little off on the dates.  How silly is that!  I think I was in shock.  The nerves kicked in right away, too.  Concern for how things were going to work out, if the baby was healthy and old fears came back with a vengeance.  Each day, I am learning to rely on God's strength when I really don't know what his plans are.  Each day is a blessing with this child.  Please pray with us!  It is such an amazing gift that God would let us be a part of this person's life!  They are truly his.  As Hannah said, "I asked the Lord to give me this child, and he has given me my request.  Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life."  I am raising this baby up to him...giving back in praise what has been so graciously given.

The Essence of Life

 Life, the part that is meaningful, is made up of those moments when someone we love smiles and also when they cry.  It's feeling the breeze flow through your hair while listening to music in the car, doing a favor for a friend, being the listening ear for someone in need, talking to a stranger and making time to give when you'd rather not. Life is made up of little moments that we take for granted every day.  Each minute we get to spend with those we love is a blessing.  Each experience, good or bad, molds us.  Making sure the house was clean, we made a certain amount of money, dressed a certain way, and the yard looked nice will not be the things that we reflect on in old age.  We will remember our moments with others.  We will remember the mountains and valleys, and think about how it impacted our lives and the lives of those around us.  We will reflect on our decisions during those times, and we will thank God or mourn.  We will look back and see missed opportunities, and hopefully pass on wisdom to those younger.  Life is not about the promotion or size of our house.  It's about those that make it a home.

Broken Butterfly

Today, I watched as a black butterfly crossed my path.  It's seems it could read my mind.  It landed on a spot where I could look at it more closely.  Then, gracefully, it began to open and close it's wings displaying brilliant blue markings on one side and orange on the other.  I inspected it closely.  It seemed to stay there as long as I wanted, and as I marveled at it's beauty, I saw that the tip of one of the wings was jagged.  This magnificent creature was missing part of it's body.  The mechanism that gave it flight had been torn.  However, from afar, the disfigurement was not noticeable.

What is broken in people may not be evident at first, but I wonder how often we take the time to really look at them.  Do we realize they have had damage done even though they may seem to function just fine?  What happened to them causing them to fly differently?

I think it is easier to focus on ourselves than to really take an interest in hurting people.  We may see something in that person that we don't want to face about ourselves.  We may judge them so that we don't have to look at our own broken wing.  Whatever the case, God is the mighty healer.  He is the one that makes the impossible, possible.  What looks marred and ugly, he makes bright, beautiful and new.  Sometimes, he brings other people into our lives to be the mirror we avoid.  Thank goodness there is more than enough grace to go around.

The Lesson of the Stink Bug

I noticed a stink bug in the bathroom a few days ago.  I was going to take it outside (I never want to kill things that are not where they belong), but forgot to after I finished getting ready for the day.  As I was brushing my teeth yesterday, I looked up to see that same stink bug (I am assuming) crawling on the window that doesn't open.  I remembered that I had forgotten to take it outside.  When I finished rinsing, I reached up clasping him in my hand and went downstairs to let him out the front door.

As I whisked my open hand into the air to release him, I watched as he flew in one direction and zigzagged a few times.  Then, he came to a sudden halt.  He was frozen in mid air.  He got caught in a spider web in the corner of the porch.  I just sighed and shut the front door.  I was let down that my effort landed him on the spider's menu for the evening.

I thought about how reckless that little stink bug had been.  I had done all of that to free him from what would have led to his death, and within seconds, he gets himself in a real death trap.  I began to wonder if humans are that different? 

Have you ever realized that you are merely moving from one type of prison to another?  The scenery may be different, but you just exchange one location of entrapment for something even worse.  People tried to get you out of that place they knew you didn't belong, but you hadn't yet learned how to keep yourself from being bound.  When they did help free you, you flew into a spider web.

The real work should come from those of us that are entrapped by something, not by those that want us to be free.  We have to take responsibility and learn what actions and thoughts caused us to get to this place and then do the work necessary to change what is faulty.  We have to learn new ways to fly that are not erratic and only lead to more heartache.  We have to take responsibility for letting those people down that tried to help us when we seemed helpless.  Their generosity was taken advantage of.

We may have only flown one crazy way all of our lives, but that doesn't mean we can't change.  A stink bug can learn to fly like a bee.  They know what their job is, don't take detours and bravely do go out into a gigantic world.  God has a very specific plan for us, too.  If bees can follow instructions, can't we learn to?

Couples Therapy

You never know what happens behind closed doors.  A couple may look blissfully happy to everyone else, but once that door closes behind them, all hell breaks loose.  I know.  I lived that.

My husband is truly a gift from God.  He was given to me when I did not deserve him.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we were meant to be.  He was God's choice for me.  Yet, our relationship was pretty miserable for years.  We were madly in love, but we did not know how to live with one another.  We did not understand one another.  It was as though we kept trying to force the other to understand a language they had never heard before.  I brought lots of baggage from a traumatic childhood and grief from the deaths of those I loved.  This infected our marriage. 

After years of various types of counseling, primarily for myself, and literally falling on my knees sobbing over and over again before God, things started to get better.  Eventually, our marriage became fun, light and full of life.  That doesn't mean we don't fight.  Two very stubborn people, are going to argue, but there is now a respect for him that I didn't have before.  I think I was scared to be married in the way that was good and healthy.  I was afraid that if I truly trusted him, he would hurt me like I had been hurt before.  I was also very selfish.

I have a friend that was surprised to hear this since it was evident we were very in love, but being soul mates doesn't mean there isn't work to be done or hard times ahead.  Had we not had that deep love God placed in us for one another, I am sure we would not be together today.  It is only by the grace of God that I am still married to this amazing man.  God's grace washes away all of our sins and changes us from within.  God's love is what brought us together and kept us together.  With it, anything is possible.

Run with Purpose

Sometimes in life, you surprise yourself.  I definitely have this time.  I started running earlier this year.  Before March, something had to be chasing me if you wanted me to run a long distance.  I started by doing a 5K for a good cause and decided this was something I enjoyed.

I just did my first 5 miler.  My goal was to finish and to do it under an hour.  I had not been able to train due to an injury, so this was a lofty goal for me.  The humidity was at 90% the day of the race.  Within the first mile I was drenched in sweat, and I think about 50 people passed me.  That's okay.  I kept running.  About two miles into it, I passed a girl that was trying really hard, but even I could pass her.  I felt like I needed to slow my pace and run with her.  I had a slight twinge to do that. It was just a passing thought.  I didn't think much of it and kept running feeling kind of good that I could pass someone.  I finished meeting my goal and didn't see when the girl crossed behind me.

At home after the race, I started to feel bad about what I had done.  I realized that I had grieved the Holy Spirit.  Why did it matter that I met MY goal?  I was given an invitation from God to uplift someone else, and myself.  What made me zoom past her instead of befriend her? 

Me.  I wanted to keep going.  I didn't want more people to pass me.  I was being selfish.  What was it that God, knowing all things, wanted me to share with this girl?  Did I just need to show her that someone was kind and cared about her?  What furthering of Christ's Kingdom did I impede? What was missed?

I will never know. That's sad.  I lost sight of something vital to living life.  This is not MY race.  My life is not my own. It's not about how fast I finish.  What's important is how I ran the race. 

I am writing this so that we can learn from my mistake.  It's always worth it to slow the pace to help someone else.  We seem to hurry through life intent on our own agendas missing golden opportunities waiting along the way.  We are so consumed with storing up treasures here on earth the supply has never been stocked in heaven.  Slow down and listen to God's prompting.  Obedience to it will change the world.