My heart aches, burns. I feel I can barely breathe. My chest is a fiery furnace of smoldering embers. So, tired. Pain that returns, twice as strong pounding from the inside. I feel it pushing behind my eyes. Pushing against my ears like hot steam about to explode under pressure.
I don't want to feel all of this again. Just go away. Do I have to feel all of this? Won't it be the same? The same as when my dad died? The same as when my step-dad died, or my grandmother died? The same as when our other baby died? Because that was like all the rest combined.
What more must I learn, God? What more? My heart has been tenderized to a bloody pulp. Please, have mercy on me. I have no energy right now.
I know what lies ahead. Tears that well up until they burst out like an angry flood. Silent but screaming nights. Lonely days where the world keeps going, but I haven't. I just don't want to go through it all again.
I still have hope. I still have faith. Please help me to ever see your face- no matter this pain. I don't understand. I really don't get it, but I believe in your plan. One that is good no matter what happens. Please, help me keep my eyes on you. Help me be a better person, wife and mother. I know this is an opportunity for me to be more like you and to love you more. I really want that. I don't want to get caught up in myself so much that I reject you and those that love me.
Water. I'm just asking for a drop or two. Just enough to take the sting away for a moment. So well acquainted with grief am I...an unwelcome visitor that I cannot refuse and whose length of stay is unknown. I cannot control the veil that covers me now, but I know you want me to see things I have not before.
Separation from the world. To better understand just what this life is all about.
To sit in the stillness with you.
God, my God. Come sit with me here as I am shrouded. Heal my heart again.
I am your servant. I am but a lowly girl with nothing to offer, but I accept your gift of love and peace. I can do nothing apart from you. I can change nothing apart from you. All is not lost. I am but a blind child who has limited understanding. I must trust you to hold me close when it is dark, damp and scary. I must trust you to lead me by still waters when all I hear are raging seas. I must follow you when I don't know where the path will lead. I know in my heart the path will go to a place far beyond my dreams.
You are my God. You are Father, Savior, Spirit, Truth.
I will see my babies again. I will hold them and kiss them just like I do our baby here. They will be in their perfect bodies. What a sweet reunion! What a blessed day. To meet my Savior and babies all at once!
God is good. He is just.
Hallelujah to the great I AM.
I don't want to feel all of this again. Just go away. Do I have to feel all of this? Won't it be the same? The same as when my dad died? The same as when my step-dad died, or my grandmother died? The same as when our other baby died? Because that was like all the rest combined.
What more must I learn, God? What more? My heart has been tenderized to a bloody pulp. Please, have mercy on me. I have no energy right now.
I know what lies ahead. Tears that well up until they burst out like an angry flood. Silent but screaming nights. Lonely days where the world keeps going, but I haven't. I just don't want to go through it all again.
I still have hope. I still have faith. Please help me to ever see your face- no matter this pain. I don't understand. I really don't get it, but I believe in your plan. One that is good no matter what happens. Please, help me keep my eyes on you. Help me be a better person, wife and mother. I know this is an opportunity for me to be more like you and to love you more. I really want that. I don't want to get caught up in myself so much that I reject you and those that love me.
Water. I'm just asking for a drop or two. Just enough to take the sting away for a moment. So well acquainted with grief am I...an unwelcome visitor that I cannot refuse and whose length of stay is unknown. I cannot control the veil that covers me now, but I know you want me to see things I have not before.
Separation from the world. To better understand just what this life is all about.
To sit in the stillness with you.
God, my God. Come sit with me here as I am shrouded. Heal my heart again.
I am your servant. I am but a lowly girl with nothing to offer, but I accept your gift of love and peace. I can do nothing apart from you. I can change nothing apart from you. All is not lost. I am but a blind child who has limited understanding. I must trust you to hold me close when it is dark, damp and scary. I must trust you to lead me by still waters when all I hear are raging seas. I must follow you when I don't know where the path will lead. I know in my heart the path will go to a place far beyond my dreams.
You are my God. You are Father, Savior, Spirit, Truth.
I will see my babies again. I will hold them and kiss them just like I do our baby here. They will be in their perfect bodies. What a sweet reunion! What a blessed day. To meet my Savior and babies all at once!
God is good. He is just.
Hallelujah to the great I AM.
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