You'll Love me When I'm Dead

I'm not sure why I thought about this last night shortly before succumbing to sleep.  I was thinking about the atmosphere at funerals and how we behave when someone dies.  People often whisper, walk around with their hands folded in front of them, look somber and sometimes like they are trying very hard not to step on imaginary needles coming out of the floor.

We are respectful, and it seems that funerals are a place where the deceased are given a chance to be seen in their best light.  We don't tell stories about what horrible people they were.  No matter what kind of person they were, we highlight what was good about them.  We talk about what made them special, what their talents were and the good they did.  Why is it that we seem to be able to love others best after they are dead? 

We know that there is no chance for them to change now.  We know that there is really no point trying to make them be something they aren't.  We appreciate them more, because we won't see them again this side of eternity.  Those terrible things they may have done are still terrible, but they do not define who they were.

In life, we may have wanted them to be so much more, to reach their potential, but isn't life about the journey?  They just ended theirs before we may have thought they had found their way.  All of this is not for us to determine.  Who are we anyway?  We certainly are not God.  Why can't we love someone in life as we do in death?  Why can't we love them where they are instead of withholding love until they get to where we think they need to be?  Why must we criticize and judge while forfeiting prayer for them?

We are human.  That's why.  We want perfection from others though we can never give it ourselves.  We think we know the answers when in reality, we have no idea what their answers are.  We didn't create them or set a path for them.  That is between them and God.  We tend to put our concern for what is best for them above our love for them where they are.  Even if we are right, why should they listen to us if we have not truly loved them?

When we realize how brief life is and how short our time with others really can be, we learn to live in the moment with others and appreciate the creation God made.  Life is but a breath.  Fill it with love.

An Anxious Heart

Have you ever taken your stress out on a person that really has nothing to do with why you are stressed out?  We often do not feel we can stand up for ourselves or defend ourselves to those in authority over us.  It may be our parents, bosses or even friends that are vomiting their anxiety onto us.  What often happens?  We also pick a weaker target to get the stress off of our backs.  These are not the most honorable moments for human beings.

Something else can happen when the stresses of the world bear upon us.  We can eat that stress.  Instead of letting it go or even placing it on others, we can just hold it in.  We can give it a home to grow into a bigger and bigger monster until it seems it takes over who we are.  We cannot see clearly.  We cannot think clearly.  We just move on from day to day trying to avoid what we have given a home.

So, how do we get rid of the anxiety that we live with?  How do we let go without hurting others?  That's something I struggle with daily.  There are lots of calming techniques and prayers that can be prayed when you feel anxious, but how do we "be anxious for nothing"?  How do we "cast our cares upon him (Jesus)"?  How do we do this immediately?

I think that if we have allowed and even invited anxiety into our lives since childhood, it is very difficult to break the pattern.  I find myself purposely having to push thoughts out of my mind, give myself positive self talk and rehearse the truth.  Some days things just get to us more than others, and those are the days that prayer and constant divine intervention is needed.

I think the root of anxiety is low self-confidence.  It could be not feeling confident in relationships, in our profession, but mostly in who we are.  If we constantly doubt ourselves, we will always be anxious.  We will always wonder if we can really do life.  If we have had significant loss or fear it, we can also tend to feel anxious about losing what we do have. 

I think repeating the truths of God Word is imperative to changing destructive patterns and forming new ways of thinking and feeling.  We need to see ourselves and others the way God does.  We need to believe in our hearts that he takes care of us and those we love.  We need to realize that we are all human, and we will never be perfect.  We need to be concerned about what God thinks, not so much about the opinion of others.  They are not living our lives.  It's easy to say these things and nod our heads in agreement, but for many of us, it takes back breaking work to live it.

Being Truth

Do we pray for those we judge?  I don't like to think about how often I find fault and then sit in the stench of disgust with my finding.  I don't usually have realizations about others and then feel empathy.  No, it is just easier to sit back with my hands crossed and a smug look on my face as I glare at the truth of something that seems so wrong to me.  I am ashamed to put down on paper how unloving I really can be.

Why do I think last to pray for the people I am judging?  Why do I not automatically go to that place that loves them?  Why can't I take my observations to the throne and place them there instead of harboring them in my heart.  I sit on them as they hatch arrogance and bitterness.

I am ashamed of this almost automatic response I have.  Just because I see the truth of a situation, doesn't mean I am God.  It doesn't make me jury and judge.  No, I am trying to train myself to pray first....not after I already judge the person, but immediately.  This is extremely difficult to do!  Mankind seems to complicate everything.  We have a God that sees before, after and all sides of every situation and every person.  Why must we try to out-do him? 

God doesn't give us discernment so that we can gossip, dominate and separate ourselves from others.   No, the stronger brother is to help the weaker brother.  Is there any better way to help someone than to pray for them?  I am not just talking about asking God to bless them or be with them.  No, I am talking about intercessory prayer.  It's the kind where you are speechless and mesmerized by God as you fall to your knees at the throne with his creation on your heart.  You don't bring your bitterness or condemnation of them.  You come broken and humbled lifting someone up to him that probably doesn't have the strength or insight to come themselves. 

Discernment should not be an opportunity to inflate ego.  It should be a blessing of humility, and a lesson in obedience.  I am humbled today as I think of how many people I need to pray for, and how many people I see that are living in a fog and can't seem to find their way out.  I see where they are and how they are taking the wrong roads, but how often have I just watched them run around like a mouse in a maze?  How often have I been broken bread and poured out wine for them in prayer and in practice?  How often have I gone out of my way for someone I have nothing in common with and no inclination to be friends with? 

It is not enough to see or know the truth.  That doesn't make you a better person.  You have to live it.  You have to be it.  Isn't that what Christ did?

Hooked on a Feeling

Recently, my husband and I were talking about different styles of music in churches.  He brought up a really good point.  Some of the music in churches seems to be addictive because of how emotional people get when they sing.  It seems that people are mistaking true fellowship with God with an emotional high. 

I have definitely done this.  I get so caught up in the emotion of the song, that I am not really worshiping God.  I am a very emotional person, so sometimes it takes awhile for me to differentiate between an emotional high and feeling the presence of God.  I think there is a distinct difference, though.

God is usually pretty subtle but powerful.  He doesn't swoop in like a marching band and mesmerize.  I think God is present, especially where two or three are gathered in his name, and waits for us to come to him there.  Sometimes, the way the music is played over and over again in increasing volume can make us feel like the Holy Spirit has made an appearance, but that could just be us getting worked up by the music.  Also, God is always everywhere.  Whether there is loud music playing and people raising their hands or we are on our couch at home alone.

I think we can have spiritual experiences, probably more genuine and more frequent, when we are intentionally seeking God in stillness.  It saddens me that church has become a production.  It is the gathering of believers, but I find that it has been cheapened to suit television audiences and what is culturally tolerable.  I feel like we have forgotten the boldness of Jesus.  He said it like it was at the right time no matter who he offended.  Not out of any selfish ambition but because it was true.  People needed to hear and see how to truly live a life abandoned to God.

When I think of what the church has become, I think of a lot of sheep moving in a direction that culture dictates.  Is church another type of drug that is acceptable for Christians?  We feel good we went.  We feel good singing the songs.  We hear a feel good sermon and feel good talking to the people sitting around us.

Truly worshiping God does not make you feel good all of the time.  It means exposure.  It means repentance.  It means letting go when you hold on so tightly.  It means revelation and commitment.  Worship is not just about singing a song.  Worship is a lifestyle that cannot be defined by 30 minutes on a Sunday morning. 

In reality, worship is a struggle.  True worship means offering your son to God as a sacrifice, offering the best of all you have, denying your needs when you may believe yourself to be so needy, biting your tongue, loving your enemies, honoring God with your mind and body...not easy things to do.  Worship is a lifestyle, not something you can check off of your to-do list.  The feeling you get when you worship God when it is difficult far outweighs the momentary high you get before you are directed to sit down on those padded seats.  It's light years better.

Courageous

I recently watched this movie, Courageous, portraying ideals men should follow in order to be good fathers and in order to be the kind of leaders God wants them to be.  I started thinking about what kind of woman God wants me to be.  What kind of a woman am I?  What is my God-given role?

I came to realize that women of today have assumed the responsibility and try to fill the gap many men have left.  I am talking about the women that are single mothers that work full time plus some.  They still go to the soccer games, bake the cookies and pass around school fundraiser sign up sheets to everyone they know.  They are grandmothers that become mothers.  They are aunts, neighbors and friends that try to fill the void men have left.  They try to give children what is absent, but a woman just cannot give what a father can--no matter how hard they try.  The chasm left when a father does not fill his role is heartbreaking and takes much time and effort to allow the love of the heavenly father to fill.

Women see this pain, and as natural nurturers, want to make it better.  Some are women whose children may have a father present in the body but not in mind and spirit.  They grieve the loss their children feel and try to hold the family together-a job they were never intended to do. This makes them angry at their spouse.  This makes them resent the man that he is not. 

God sent me a husband that is fully capable of leading and directing our family, but I still try to control the reins and drive.  I watched my mother when I was young.  She was like some sort of super hero.  She would leave wearing her nicest clothes and red lipstick.  I wasn't quite sure where she went.  I would long for her return, and when she did, I would always meet her outside no matter how late it was.  I thought she must have done some very important things that day and still managed to go to the grocery store and run the errands.  It had to be important if it took so long. 

She was an important person.  She was an executive secretary at the first BB&T.  When I entered the workforce, I came to appreciate how she worked several jobs at times so that I could say I never felt hungry.  I never slept on the streets or outside.  She took care of the needs an absent father did not, and she never took anything from the government.  We survived.  For that, I will always be indebted.  Yet, I fear that my understanding of what a mother is became distorted.

I am upset.  I am grieved that though I do not have to do the job of my husband, I still feel this urge, even to the point of anxiety, to do the holding up of the family-to lead and take control when that is not what God wants for me.  I think this is due to my womanly need for a stable family life.  My method of having stability however, is not God's.  I do not need to step in and do the job as my mother did.  I often try to take the role of husband when it's not my place. 

It is not looked upon negatively for women to be more like men these days.  If anything, it is applauded.  But do we realize we are emasculating our men?  We are leaving no room for them to rise to the occasion.  We are not encouraging them or spurring them on to be Godly leaders.  We are making fun of them, telling them what to do and rolling our eyes.  We seem to live with them, but we are not one with them anymore.  We use them to fulfill our fairy tales.  We want the beautiful wedding, the big house and the babies.  We expect him to fit into his role as we have always imagined and get angry when he's not perfect (conveniently overlooking our own faults).  Many of our men have been raised by women and have no idea how to be the man God wants him to be.  Many of our men have only known men that hurt them, were selfish, didn't take care of their families, and didn't fear God.  Why can't we give him a break?

I think many of us women who didn't have a good male in our lives or had a lot of inconsistencies really want the man we marry to be that honorable man, a knight in shining armor that we have no problem listening to.  The thing is, our man is not going to be perfect.  He may be a good man, but he will have flaws.  A man that has flaws is not necessarily going to scar us as others have, but I think we often make him out to be a monster when he is merely human.  Minor flaws become magnified since we have been damaged by men before.  We really believe deep down that he will devastate us as well.  So, we try to control him.  We don't really know how to let him lead since we have never really seen how that works, and we don't trust him to.

We need to take a step back and read Scripture.  We need to get healing as individuals so that we can be the person God intended and who our spouse deserves.  Gender roles described in the Bible are not just antiquated and outdated musings.  They apply today.  God made men to protect, lead and take care of his family.  He made women to help, nurture and care for them.  He knows the power of a unified front when a man and woman accept their roles in the relationship.  He knows the power a couple that is of one mind can have.  He knows that whatever may befall them, they can handle it if they work together.  Two is better than one, and the two unified by the bond of God is unbreakable. 

Is There an App for That?

Have you ever gotten an e-mail or text and been truly confused?  You think to yourself... "They aren't really that excited of a person normally.  What's with all of the exclamation marks and smiley faces?"  This person you thought you knew has now morphed into some strange version of themselves when they text you.  You may also wonder what they're trying to say.  With all of the abbreviations and capitalizations, it gets confusing.  It can also be confusing to know what someone truly means without the voice inflection and hand gestures.  Writing of today is nothing like the writing of years past...when it was an art.  Letters were written carefully and thoughtfully.  Every word had to be perfect so as to reflect what was meant.  I think our "writing" to one another has become elementary and often pointless.

I am that generation that started growing up before cell phones, but by the time I entered college, they were popular.  I remember using phone booths and having to walk to someone's house to make a call.  I also remember that fun did not revolve around video games and checking Facebook relentlessly.  I admit, I like social networking, but I often grow tired of the lack of connectedness. You get details about people's lives without making the effort to actually call them or plan to see them face to face.  It's seems like an excuse.  You don't need to call since you already know what's going on in their lives.  Instead of being social, we are really isolating ourselves.

I guess I miss the adventure that technology has conveniently taken away.  There were no Apps or quick texts to get someone to help you out when you had questions or were lost.  You had to figure it out, or you had to actually talk to a real person.  I realize that our hand held devices can get us out of a bad situation, but they can also get us into one.  It seems that we don't think for ourselves as much anymore.  We have Google for that. 

I sometimes wish I lived in a more innocent time-a time when you weren't afraid to let your kids go for a bike ride at dusk.  I don't think those times are ever coming back, though.  That makes me sad.  That means as a whole, the people of this world are getting more and more evil...there's no App for that.

Life Decisions and Working Out

I recently started working out more.  Okay, let me start over.  I recently started working out. :)  I have started out slowly, but I have been pushing myself to do a little more every time I go to the gym.  This morning, I did a pretty intense workout.  I have been walking ever so slowly in my new heels today since my legs and butt are screaming at me not to move.

It's funny how one change in your life can make you feel so much better.  This simple little change I have made has already made a difference.  I physically and mentally feel better.  I know that exercising is releasing stress and helping me be a more healthy person.  I also know that there can be things in our lives that we acknowledge we need to do or change, but just keep putting it off.  Working out was my thing.  I'd say to friends how I knew I needed to do it, but just didn't have the motivation.  I was tired after work, or I didn't think I could get up that early.  What finally motivated me was how cheap the gym was and my husband joining the gym with me.  Even though we don't work out together much, we are both making a lifestyle change.  He is in it with me.  That is a nice feeling.

I think feeling supported in the change is crucial, especially if it is something you kind of dread.  It may be like going to the gym.  You know you need to do it.  You know you will feel better-all the way around, but you just can't seem to get yourself to do the very thing that would be positive in your life.  Sometimes, it can just take someone saying they will walk beside you through it that helps get you get going.  You may see a window of opportunity (like a cheap gym membership) and realize you would be a fool not to take advantage of it.  Other times, you just have to go for it no matter who is with you or how hard it may seem.
Little changes can create amazing results.  We just have to decide to make them each day.

Maybe you have a big change that needs to be made, but are petrified of how it will turn out.  Been there.  It can really suck.  I remember feeling scared to death to make decisions that I knew would alter life as I knew it, but man, I am glad I did.  After I made the decision, it didn't seem so big and scary anymore, either.  Every big decision is preceded by little decisions.  Just make good little decisions, and the big decisions won't seem so huge.  After all, it's the little things that seem to define us-not what everybody else sees.