Unanswered Prayer

How is it that when you're young and really know nothing, you think you know it all, and when you're older and know so much more, you really feel like you know nothing?  I guess that's the definition of wisdom.  It makes you feel clueless at times and grows your patience and faith.

I remember being a young woman entering my twenties and realizing that I did not have much wisdom at all.  This was a news flash to me since I was a know-it-all in my teens.  I remember praying incessantly for God to make me genuine and open my eyes to truth when I saw how the lack of these traits led people I admired to let me down miserably.

God answers prayer...and he keeps answering.  When we think he's done, he comes back with more of an answer.  When we have prayed that prayer a thousand times with a seemingly silent response, he has not forgotten.  Sometime in the future, we will realize he may have already answered or just waited until that absolute perfect time.  Then, we praise him most.  Then, we give him the glory.  Then, we glimpse a bit of heaven.

I know I have prayed things I don't think about again until it is answered out of nowhere.  He waits until the time is right, until our hearts are primed, until everything aligns.  I am so very grateful for a God, a King, a Father that loves me so much, he will make me wait for better than the best.  A God of great surprises and a God of great mercy.  He doesn't necessarily give us what we want, but he always gives us what we truly need.

Grace & Love

My best friend is in town.  I love spending time with her.  I am so truly blessed to have God place a friend in my life that just gets me, and gets me completely.  I don't have to explain myself and muster up any kind of strength to be around her.  I am just me.  No matter what I say, when others may not get my motives, she does.

It's like a breath of fresh air to have a girlfriend like that.  It is amazing how two women with such different backgrounds are such good fits. 

She's Korean.  I'm American.  She grew up in Africa.  I grew up in rural North Carolina.  She learned multiple instruments and languages as a child. Yeah, I didn't.  She had seen much of the world by the time she graduated from high school.  I had never left the southeast.  Yet, God knew our hearts and knew they were meant to support and love one another through this life.  

We have never been the kind of friends that have to constantly talk to one another to validate our friendship.  I think that's because it is that secure.  We know that although we may put on a smile for others and say what we are supposed to due to cultural mandates or expectation, we are absolutely real with one another.  Years can go by without seeing one another, and it's as though nothing changed, though life certainly has for both of us.   

I think God put Grace in my life to show me how to love better.  It is so easy to love her since she knows me, gets me and accepts me.  Others are not so easy to love, because it takes a lot of work.  It takes communicating, explaining, pushing forward, and giving when it feels there is nothing left to give.  Grace loves me the way I wish others would, but the world is not full of Graces.

That is a good thing.  Even though our relationship is so easy now, there was a time years ago, when it was tested and tried.  The lesson is that anything worth having is not worth having if it doesn't go through the fire and come out better, more pure and more stunning than ever. 

I think of my relationship with my husband.  Of course it is going to be tested more than any other and satan is going to try to destroy it...and he has during our short 4 years of marriage.  But, satan never has the last laugh.  He is really only making us stronger and more sturdy for the next attack.  His master plans to keep me bound, and therefore Eric, have backfired numerous times.  The power of Christ, the power of prayer, the power of our God thwarts anything he can throw at us. 

I am very blessed to have people in my life that enrich me more than any material thing I could ever be given.  The past few years have been a harvest of wonderful people and relationships that have enriched my life. 

Grace and I were talking about what our 10 year plan was 10 years ago and how very different life turned out for us...but how glad we are it did.  So, we talked about 10 years from now and what life may be like then.  If our expectations were surpassed this decade, I can't wait to see what the next holds.

Unexpected Standby Adventures

Our latest destination was to Espana.  The rationale for going to Spain: it costs less than other European countries, we know a little Spanish and...why not?  On our way there, we ended up getting first class from Philadelphia to Madrid.  The flight over is really long, especially since you are flying overnight and there is a huge time change.  First class was amazing.  I felt so awkward when the flight attendant came by a few minutes after we sat down offering champagne.  I know I had a doe-eyed look on my face as I paused and timidly took the glass.  We then had dinner...on real plates not the microwavable looking plastic things you get in coach.  We had several courses ending in the most amazing Tiramisu I have probably ever had.  I watched a movie and reclined my comfy seat back, put on my complimentary eye shades, put in my ear plugs, wrapped up in a thick blanket and went to sleep.  Before I knew it, the lights came on and we were being served breakfast.  Had it already been 6 hours?  Eric and I looked at each other in astonishment thinking we had only been in the air a few hours.  Wow.  Had we really slept?  I guess so.  Even though we were still exhausted, that was the most comfortable and quiet flight I have ever been on.  Thank you USAirways.

We absorbed all of Spain that we could in the short week we were there.  We were mostly in Madrid and found the people to be very accommodating and nice.  We did find it odd that there were cameras just about everywhere.  There were in the churches, museums, and perched on the top corner of buildings to capture the street's activity.  We also thought it odd we had to pay to get into some of the smallest of churches.  But, when in Europe, if they want the euro, pay the euro.  The Palace in Madrid was gorgeous.  We couldn't take pictures, though.  There were several people throughout the palace who would yell at you if you took a picture and ask to see what picture you just took so they could see you delete it.  I don't think a society where everyone is guaranteed a job is necessarily benefiting.  Every tourist site was riddled with workers who stood around all day just a few feet from someone in the same uniform not doing the same thing.  We helped the economy out a bit.



Palacio Real

What I loved most about Madrid was the gardens we found in the middle of the city.  There were tree lined paths that were in full fall bloom with their reds, yellows and oranges.  It was gorgeous.  We also found the most beautiful rose garden.  There had to be hundreds of rose bushes there.  As I walked around admiring their beauty and Eric sat waiting, I was hit on by the most charming older man.  He started spewing Spanish.  I must have had a stunned look on my face.  I understand him ask where I was from (Spanish 101).  I told him the United States, and he asked if I was from North or South America.  So, we continued to have a conversation as he told me how beautiful the roses were in Junio (June).  As he was talking, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it, feeling my wedding ring.  He said goodbye, and I went on taking pictures.  I came to a fountain, turned around and there was my gentleman caller.  He wanted to take a picture of me in front of the fountain.  "Foto?", he asked.  I said, sure.  He took a picture, grinning from ear to ear and left the garden.  I told Eric about it, but he had his mind on where we were going next.  When I told someone back home later and Eric heard he said, "He held your hand?"  Ha ha.


Fallen Angel

Near the rose garden in the middle of a beautiful path lined with huge, brightly colored trees, was a fountain.  There are lots of fountains in Madrid, but Eric told me something interesting about this one.  The statue at the top was the only one in the world made of Lucifer.  It shows the agnoy of a fallen angel.  The rage of a saint banished.  It reminded me of how high we as humans beings can ascend and how quickly we can join Satan in his hell.  Just like this artist's rendition, Satan was surrounded by beauty, but chose the wicked.

We visited Toledo and Segovia as well.  These were recommended nearby towns to visit.  I have to say both were beautiful.  My favorite was Segovia, though.  I loved walking the narrow cobblestone streets even though I just about got run over several times.  The aqueduct is what attracts so many visitors, and it really was a marvel.  It was amazing to look up at this 2,000 year old structure that looked as though it was just built a few years ago.  There was no mortar to keep it together.  The Romans placed each stone perfectly on the other.  It made the shoty way we build here in the States pretty embarrassing.


Aqueduct in Segovia

I ate some of the best Paella ever in Toledo, but realized I really do have an allergy to seafood after doing so.  We walked around the rest of the afternoon with me itching and cursing an allergy that developed in my late 20s.  I also realized while in Spain that my lifelong hatred of olives is isolated to the States.  I loved the olives there along with the tiny little pickles we had as tapas in the afternoons.

Another thing about Spain is that they love jamon (ham).  They are obsessed with it.  In Segovia, it is recommended that tourists order cochinillo.  It is a baby pig cooked and brought out whole to eat.  We even stumbled into a ham festival in Madrid.  I am from eastern North Carolina, so I loved it.  It was like a big pig pickin'.

Our trip home was unique as well.  No, we didn't get first class.  We couldn't get out of Madrid!  The flight we were on had plenty of first class seats, but alas, a cargo shipment bumped all of the standbys off.  So, we began to search for another city to get to so we could fly home that day.  As we began our search, two other travellers were trying to get to the States.  We found ourselves all in the same boat.  Stuck.  We had chosen to leave the weekend that all of Europe celebrates The Day of the Dead (Halloween).  One of the other people stuck, Kellie, also worked for USAirways.  She and Eric tried to work their magic as best they could.  We tried to get a train ticket.  All booked to other major European cities.  We tried to get a flight.  All booked.  We even looked into getting a car to drive to London to get out the next day.  Yeah, that was over 2,000 euros.  We spent hours carting our luggage around the Madrid-Barajas airport going from counter to counter trying to get out. 

Finally, we sat down at a place to eat and realized, we just had to stay.  Valerie, the other stranded standby, ended up being from the same area we were from in Virginia.  She had moved to Spain 8 years ago and was going back to visit.  She was able to get someone to find a hotel for us, because of course, most of them had been booked for the night.  Thank goodness!  We went to the hotel and then decided to try to find a restaurant nearby.  Could we do that?  After walking around for about half an hour, we realized there was  nothing around our hotel.  Of course!  We all started laughing at how nothing was working out.  We went back to the hotel and got some food there.  We talked about how thankful we were to have found one another.  During a time when you just want to cry, all we could do was laugh.  We became a family in just a few hours.  Valerie was like the mom, directing us which way to go and making decisions.  Eric, Kellie and I let her lead the way. 

The next morning, we all arrived at the gate realizing that the flight was overbooked.  We braced ourselves to stay another night.  But, at the last minute, they gave every standby passenger a seat!  What?  Maybe it was the time change.  Who knows?  But, we all got on the flight.  We said goodbye in an excited, wish we could have spent more time together way.  Back in the States, we would be strangers once again.

We may never see Valerie and Kellie again, or maybe we will randomly meet up with them in some airport twenty years from now.  That would be awesome.  I definitely learned that I am grateful for the gift of strangers.  I am grateful for meeting new people that you really know nothing about and how that not knowing somehow draws you closer in times of need.  These are experiences that add needed perspective and show you just how big this world is.

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

The crisp air.  The deep reds, lively oranges and vibrant yellows.  The smell of someone burning firewood. Cinnamon and vanilla.  Homemade pies and cookies.  Being bundled up to watch a football game.  Hot chocolate and homemade cider.  The gathering of family.  Laughter.  Togetherness.  I love it.

I just had to write about my favorite time of year.  It is a time of rebirth in my eyes.  That seems odd I guess.  Since the changing of the leaves is really an indication that they are about to drop to the ground, dry up and disintegrate into the earth.  Maybe that's why I love this season so much.  Because right before the death of something living, it seems to come alive in the most marvelous, breathtaking way.  Before the dead, cold winter, God reminds us that what seems like it is dying...never will.  It will go into the earth and provide nutrients so that growth comes again in Spring. 

The views of fall are really an indication of life, to me.  There is no death in the realm of God's children.  Only a period of dormancy.  Isn't that amazing?  God shows us through the world around us that those we love are not gone.  They are not dead.  If they knew him...they are very much alive.  We are the ones that lie dormant.  Our winter is here.  They know the brilliance of new life.  The abundance of waking up in the Spring of heaven must be amazing.  The sad part for us is when there are no more pretty leaves on the trees...when the excitement of change becomes the dreariness of winter.  We see the brilliance of their lives as they move on to eternity and long for that brilliance to never end.  I know I long for Fall to be year round.  Doesn't it seem like those we love leave this world at a time when their colors are so amazing?  It's baffling, but I guess it's the order of things.  The leaves won't always stay on the trees.  And we will not always be on this earth.  But, I am sure of this: the seasons of heaven, the unfolding of our lives up there, is going to surpass anything we could ever imagine!

Free to Fly

I have often admired how beautifully God uses a gentle breeze or gust of wind to paint my world.  I will look out the window in Spring to see little pink petals from a tree whisked away to dance.  In Autumn, red and orange leaves fall only to twirl around on the ground celebrating their freedom.  It's amazing how these living portraits inspire.

I am a very blessed woman...and a free woman.  To me, these yearly occurrences that mark the seasons are reminders of just where I have come from and where I am going.  There is nothing to hold me back...no chains except the ones I place on myself.  At one time in my life, I was bound by the sin of others, but no longer.  I choose to be as free as that butterfly that listlessly floats in a mesmerizing pattern through the air.

The point is, Christ frees us, and we have to choose that freedom every day.  Not the yolks of heaviness that are not ours to bear.  We can choose to remember that no matter what earthly bondage others try to place on us, we will always be free.  I have to remind myself just about every day not to get consumed with the goings on of this world.  This life is breath, a split second compared to forever with Christ.  So, I have no business trying to make it more than it really is.  I choose to fly, closing my eyes to feel the wind on my face, breathing in that sweet smell of freedom.

Our Father...

It all seems like some strange dream now.  That night so long ago holds a grip on her heart for reasons she didn't understand at the time.  In the darkness, she fled with her mother and brother.  Through that darkness, light would surely penetrate.

Chaos.  That is what she can remember about that night.  Whatever fragments left in her memory are of chaos, confusion, fear...and more fear.  Her father seemed more insane than ever that night.  She remembers terrible things he did and said to her mother and brother.  She's repressed so much more hoping that she just wouldn't remember.  She would be fine with that.  She remembers that the night seemed particularly dark as she was hurried along by her mother to grab a few things and run to the car.  She was scared.  She didn't know what was happening.  Where were they going?  It wasn't safe in that old farm house, but at least she understood that home.  At least she knew how to be there.  To stay out of the line of fire.  To be quiet and do what is expected.  But, where were they going to go, and how was she supposed to act? 

As they drove to a place she can't remember, she fell asleep.  She can't remember who they stayed with, but a friend of a friend she was told later.  She went back to school soon afterwards with the other kids whose father kissed them goodbye in front of the school and gave them hugs that she envied.

The next few years were tumultuous to say the least. The little girl's father would sit on the road outside of the house all night so that he would not be violating a restraining order.  She would sleep in the living room as her mother stayed up all night hoping her father wouldn't break down the door.  She constantly lived in fear.  It became her home again but in a different way.  She loved to be at school.  She loved to be where she knew it was safe and predictable.  Home was scary, but school was where she could learn to please and be accepted.

Before her mother finally left for good, her teacher reported that she had bruises on her.  So, when she was called to the Principal's office, she told the truth about where the bruises came from.  Many of them came from her father.

Her mother shielded her from a beating by not telling him that the naive little girl told.  She thought she was supposed to always tell the truth, but she learned that she couldn't do that.  When the social worker came to the house, her father left since they told her mother when they were coming.  The report was unfounded since there was no evidence of abuse during the visit.  The little girl learned that telling others what was going on really only makes things worse.  They couldn't really help her.  She had made her mother get a beating.  She blamed herself for the pain her mother was feeling.

The process for her mother to finally leave and not go back, took years.  Years of lying to others even though they knew.  Years of covering up for her father.  Years of fear, torment, rejection and agony.

When her mother finally did leave, and her father realized it was for good, he truly had a breakdown. He even wandered around naked in the street.  He went to a psychiatric institution, but a few months after getting out, he had overdosed on the medication that was supposed to make him better.

Life got better for the little girl as the years passed.  She no longer lived in the environment that made her feel like her very existence was revolting.  But that foundation was one she would have to battle the rest of her life.

Though it has been difficult, I have battled that beginning that satan wanted to destroy me.  God brings me further into his love every day.  He shows me what a father really is and why I was placed here.  I write this part of my story now to give thanks.  I know if satan had his way I would be destroying other lives.  But God put a heart in me to uplift others and love them.  Though the past may try to haunt me, the present reality always wins.  I am thankful today for a heavenly father that truly loves me, no matter what.

I Think I Can...

What lengths will God go to make us realize that though we try with all of our might, some things He just has to help us with?  It's like a small child trying to push a large boulder.  They may push and push convinced that they will make it move.  They may take a break and come back to try to move that rock, but all in vain.  You see, their determination may appear admirable, but it doesn't really matter.  They will never have the strength.  They are always going to need someone to help them.  They may think that if they just keep working hard and spend lots of time, that rock is going to have to move.  But the reality is...they need to move.  They need to move over and let the One that makes jobs like that seem effortless.  They need to relent and admit that all of their efforts are never going to be enough.

How relevant is that to life?! I am the Queen of deciding that I will just work harder and be able to accomplish the task.  It takes me forever to realize I was never meant to do this alone.  I was never meant to try to figure everything out.  I was never meant to take everything on.  Why did I even try when I clearly do not have the strength?  I guess it's the survivor in me.  I just push on, push forward so much so that I end up sick and exhausted.  I am humbled today.  God is teaching me to step aside.  He's got this.  I need to let him show me how he will make this mountain a mole hill.  I need to let him show me how this huge obstacle is really not that big when He's involved.  He will work it all out.