A Broken Brain; Faces of Depression

As if mental illness is not difficult enough, the expectation in society that we have it "together" blankets it in even more shame.  Sure, we have organizations that raise money for mental health awareness.  That's awesome, but I think there's still a stigma.  Only people that are of a lower socioeconomic status seem to have the permission from our society to admit to such a "failure".  If you have a degree, are a professional, live in suburbia...you're supposed to have your shit together.

Appearances still mean a lot in our American culture.  As a parent, it just gets worse.  You're constantly judged on how you're raising your children.   I don't want other mothers to know that I can't make it out of the house some days with my kids, because I just don't have the stamina to get them ready and out the door.  I feel so much guilt, because I want to do more for my kids...but right now, if I go through the day giving them attention at home and making sure they're fed, it's a good day. 

Before medication

Being a mental health professional, I definitely have not felt the freedom to admit just how bad my depression has gotten.  I don't want other professionals to know that I will be laying in bed all day bawling my eyes out in pain if I don't take my Prozac.  

I know it's my own pride.  I have always been the one that kept it all together for those around me. The fact that I'm not stable has been very humbling.  The fact that there is nothing physically causing the mental illness is also sobering.  Years of rage toward my father for killing himself have turned to empathy.  It feels as though my brain is broken, and there's no cure.  I know now how hopeless he felt.  The difference is that I have a family that I haven't lost.  I have a faith that, albeit often feeble, sustains me.  The difference is, I haven't given up hope, though I truly feel that tug.

On meds for a few days

On meds for a week

I cannot trust my feelings, and that is hard to accept.  For someone that is intuitive, it's hard not to trust your gut.  Yet, I cannot give into destructive feelings and thoughts.  The bright side is, when you're at the bottom of a hole, you can look up and see that there is light. And that's what matters. The hope and light of the world promises peace.  Within the cold, barrenness He gives sunshine.

He is with us always, even unto the end of the age.  Everywhere and in every situation.  Thanks be to God.