10 Things Your Mother Never told you about Marriage

I think many of us never had a specific conversation with adults in our lives about what marriage really looks like.  I hear many people say that they had no idea what marriage would actually entail.  They only knew of a dream.  Once they got married, they were unprepared for what life would be like.  I was definitely one of those people.

I have two young daughters, who may or may not get married one day.  I don't want them to enter into marriage with idealistic fantasies that will cause pain.  There are things I hope to say to them that will help if they do choose to marry.

1.) Marriage is not a fairy tale.

Though the princess movies portray a handsome, young man saving you from dire situations and whisking you away to a beautiful castle to be happy forever, this is not reality.  Marriage means juggling finances, children, unexpected health issues...the good and the bad.  Marriage may mean living paycheck to paycheck if one of you is out of work.  It may mean moving somewhere you don't want to.  The reality is that life won't necessarily be easy just because you got married.  All of your problems will not be solved.  Remember, you find completeness and wholeness in Christ.

2.)  Marriage is work.

It is sacrifice.  It is humbling and often not at all what you may have hoped or expected.  That's okay.  To admit our faults and sins is a good thing.  To ask for forgiveness, is a good thing.  To be broken and built up again anew, is a good thing.  Remember the commitment you made, and that God is with you no matter how difficult it may seem at times.  He is rooting for the success of your marriage and so are mom and dad.

3.) Prayer is key.

Pray for your spouse.  Pray for yourself.  Pray with your spouse.  I have often cried out, "God, please help us!" when we were locked in an argument that seemed to have no resolution.  I just didn't know what else to say.  He has always helped us.  Even when it seemed we would never work it out.

3.)  Let go.

Let go of whatever notion you have in your mind of what your spouse should be, and accept them as they are.  This doesn't mean silently accept degrading behavior.  It means you allow them to be human.  I think little girls can erroneously dream of their prince charming who will never do anything that displeases them.  You will both change throughout the course of your marriage, and that's okay.

4.)  You are a team.

Remember that.  You need to uplift and support your teammate, when they are scoring the winning goal, or when they are stuck on the bench.  See your spouse's strengths, encourage them and cheer them on.  Don't belittle their weaknesses, but try to help them and find solutions.  Your partner should do the same for you.

5.)  Let him lead.

Your husband is the spiritual leader of your home.  Eve paved the way for us ladies by eating that fruit and assuming Adam should do the same.  Men can be so enthralled with women, want to please us so, that they do what we assume to be right.
We can have the tendency not to let our husbands lead, and this is sad tragedy.  If he seems unsure, give him the space to lead by not taking control.  If he has a hard time taking initiative, talk about it.  Tell him how your feel.  Pray.  Your children need to see their father lead instead of following behind their mother constantly.  Your husband will end up feeling powerless and resenting you, and you may end up hardening your heart toward him.  This doesn't mean your husband should be a tyrant with absolute control.  It means he leads with love and gentleness as the Bible describes and as Christ gives as an example.

6.)  Get help.

See a counselor and not just when things get rough.  See a counselor before you marry and during.  Outside perspectives and help can change the course of your marriage.  Don't involve family members in your marital concerns.

7.)  Make a point to stay connected.

You will evolve and change over the years.  Be intentional about still learning and growing with your spouse.  Life can get busy, and it can be easy to lose touch with one another.  You don't want to wake up one day after your children have left home, and realize you don't really know the person you are married to anymore.  Even if it's just a few minutes a day, have a conversation, send messages and check in.  Ask how they are really doing and how they are feeling.  Support their interests.  Don't let your conversations only consist of daily tasks, schedules and what is going on with the kids.

8.)  Don't shut him out.

Though we ladies can be very good at the silent treatment, this is never useful.  You may be in pain and need some time before you can talk, but intentionally trying to punish your husband by shutting him out is a tactic that will only cause more pain.  Don't cut him off emotionally for good.  Be open and honest.  If you need outside help, get it sooner than later.  The longer we emotionally shut out our husbands, the more likely our marriages are to fail and contempt and bitterness grow.

9.) Be positive and respectful.

Positivity has been shown to work wonders in the mind and the marital life.  Instead of ruminating about how he didn't do the dishes or left his dirty socks on the floor again, think of how he fixed something around the house yesterday or got up with a child in the middle of the night.  Remember, you are flawed, too.  You may overlook the fact that you let that warning light stay on in the car too long, forgot to pay that bill or expected him to read your mind.

10.)  Christ brings life.

No matter how difficult it gets, remember that this breaking down and building up is part of the process.  Life comes from the marriage built on the foundation of Christ.  It's worth the struggle when you see your own personal growth, the growth of your relationship with your husband, and the stability your marriage brings to your home and your children.  It won't be perfect, but it will be alive, growing and changing.  Your kids will see the resilience and commitment you  have no matter the storms as you lean on Christ, and prayerfully, they will learn to find their foundation in Christ in their own marriages one day.

All in the Family

The dynamics involved in family units can be quite understated.  Quite unique.  They may have existed for decades or longer.

They can be evolved over time to serve a purpose.  Yet, when the problem or crisis is over, many find it difficult to move out of ways of relating to one another that should not be permanent.  They have a hard time moving forward, moving on.

For example, family members may find it difficult to function when an addict is in the family.  Coping mechanisms such as avoidance, enabling and the like may emerge out of desperation and survival.  Tough love can be shown in order to help the person who is a part of the family.  What happens when that addict overdoses or finds sobriety?  How does the family stop walking on eggshells or let this person back into their lives?  How do they learn to be open and honest instead of acting like the ordeal never happened?

These patterns can become ingrained in an individual and a family and dictate or influence future relationships.  Oftentimes, we don't even realize we are "stuck" in an unhealthy place.  We don't realize that our patterns of behavior may be hurting others around us when genuine authenticity, openness and vulnerability are necessary in relationships.  Many have learned to avoid those deep emotions.  Or maybe they think they should reveal pain and hurt only in private.  Yet, how are we to ever be truly connected with that antiquated notion?  Connection includes being able to accept the fact that others around us are in pain, and there is nothing we can do about it.  Yet, we are still tangibly there for them.  We don't shrink away from intense emotion.

Really loving others has nothing to do with us.  It's not about how good we feel that we fixed their problems, or how amazing it was when they opened our gift.  Loving them can mean saying hard things to them in gentleness and truth.  Loving others can mean being very uncomfortable ourselves.  Loving others doesn't mean we have no boundaries and let others walk all over us.  Loving others often means disappointment when the other person is not able to reciprocate the invitation to go deeper in relationship.

There are so many walls up.  So many of us walk around with gates and walls as thick as the castles of old, and the sad part is- we don't even realize it.  We have had these walls up to protect our hearts for so long, they seem to belong there.  These walls are daunting and seemingly unpenetrable.  Yet, there is hope.  Though it may be the scariest thing in the world to expose ourselves, it is not impossible.  With God, all things are possible.  With God, what we may have believed shameful, he transforms.  The pain we have protected becomes the doorway to help others.

I think one of the greatest weapons of Satan is to attack our identity and self worth.  Instead of focusing on Christ, we often look within, and that can be very dangerous.  Our human nature is despicable, and too much inward reflection creates great guilt and shame, or we start thinking we are okay the way we are, justifying and not admitting our sin.  When not countered with the gift of redemption found in Christ and new life, this only leads to utter despair and separation from God.

This all ties into how we relate to our families.  We find great hope, faith and courage in Christ.  He gives us all we lack, and there is no need for those walls.  Believing this also requries great humility and vulnerability accepting our depravity and also the absolute gift of saving life that we did absolutely nothing to deserve.  Once we stop expecting others to be or give what only Christ can, life becomes liberating.

We have been given the gifts of God.  They are ours.  Peace, joy, wisdom, faith, rest, hope, love... Yet we act as though we don't have these gifts.  We act as though we have to figure everything out and this often includes trying to make others meet deep seated needs.

May we all pray ferventaly for the transparency that can be ours, for the love of Christ to penetrate our hearts, for his healing balm and strong right hand to lead us to what is good and pleasant.  May we know the joy found in the unity of believers under the headship of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ.

Darkness assails.
It's winds and high seas-
The uncertain constancy.

Yet, I do not fear.
though my captives would cheer.
I press on and believe
for I have been saved.
My hope lies ahead,
in the pure bliss of what's read.
His Word promises me,
life and eternity.

I will not fear,
For my redeemer is near.
He lends his ear,
to this weary soul.
Giving reprieve and rest
for the faint hearted,
but blessed.

I am free.
Though Satan surrounds me,
I am at ease-
Though the storm should increase.
For there is no place that I would rather be,
than safe in the arms
of the God who supplies all my needs.

Wherever You Are, Be All There

Time is such an elusive, cosmic, yet static phenomenon.  Are we ever truly present in the current moment?  Is that even possible?  With all of the memories housed in our brains and the concerns and hopes for the future...how can time possibly stand still?

I'm not trying to sound like a smarty pants here.  No.  Not at all.  That kind of writing irritates me.  I'm just sitting here wanting to be present in this moment, but also very aware that it is probably an impossibility for me as a human being.  Yet, this also reminds me of how God is not limited at all by the existence of time.  The only time he was remotely constrained by it was when he walked this earth.

I just think that we can put so much faith in this time on earth that we mistakenly believe it is stable.  It's far from it.  Just because a clock is ticking, does not mean we are going anywhere.  I believe the most constant time is in heaven where there probably are no clocks or calendars.  It's the most present we will ever be, and I can't wait.  I can't wait for the limitlessness of what time spent will be like in heaven.

Merry Christmas, Big Sister!

After my father died, I was a mess and so was my family.  By this time in my life, I had lived in abuse for most of it, and become accustomed to being awoken in the dead of night by my mother, because we were leaving my father again.  When he killed himself, the running stopped, but the fear and anxiety did not.

I was 8 years old suffering from migraines, a nervous stomach and also seemed to get other medical ailments very easily during this time.  I didn't have friends that I can remember.  I wanted to be someone else.  Anyone else, but me.

I got signed up for the Big Brothers Big Sisters program.  To say this was life changing would be an understatement.  For the first time in my life, I saw what could be.  I looked forward so much to my time with my Big Sister and her family every week.  I was loved and accepted. 

She taught me things I never knew like how to hold and knife and fork when eating.  She also taught me what family time in a loving home looked like.  We played board games, played with the dog and listened to music. We did normal things families do that meant so much to me but were commonplace to so many of my peers.  I had never known that much calm in my life. 

Once I thought about visiting her many years later, but I decided I prefer to remember her the way she was and will always live in my mind and heart.  She gave me the book, The Velveteen Rabbit before we parted ways.  How perfect for a little girl that believed the lie that she was used up and no one loved her.  As an adult, I've become free just like the Velveteen Rabbit who was once overlooked and destined for destruction.

I remember my Big this time of year, because her love lives on. The joy of Christmas was something I began to learn from her. Simple, beautiful and humble love. Just remember, you never know how important you may be to someone.

My Kid is not Good & Neither is Yours

The day a child is born is magical.  There truly is nothing like those first few moments when you see, hear and hold your child for the first time. The word "perfect" is often used to describe the new blessing.

While children certainly are gifts of God, beautiful creations and demonstrations of his handiwork, they are far from perfect.  I do believe we are doing our children a disservice by telling them from birth how perfect and good they are.  We tell them they are strong and they can do anything.  While this all sounds amazingly uplifting, it's actually a recipe for disaster.

The reality is that our children are born sinful, flawed human beings in need of a Savior.  They are not perfect.  They are not good.  They are not enough. 

While attending a Mom's Group for mothers with young children a few years ago, the theme You are Enough was constantly reiterated.  The goal was for moms to feel as though their efforts to take care of their families was enough.  They didn't need to be like someone else. 

I knew that didn't quite sit well with me, but I wasn't sure why.  As I discussed it with my husband, I realized why it made me so uncomfortable. 

The thing is...we will never be enough.  No matter our efforts, they will never be enough for other people.  We aren't enough for ourselves.  We NEED God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  He is the only Enough.  Once we realize and accept this, joy can truly take place.

The indoctrination of so called self esteem via positivity is a false reality.  Underneath the seeming confidence derived from self, there will inevitably be confusion and lack of purpose.  Confidence is meant to be derived from Jesus Christ, no one else and no other accomplishment.  He is the rock, the sure foundation that cannot be moved.  If we place our trust and hope in ourselves, others or anything of this world, it will crumble and fall.  We will fall with it.  We will end up living a pseudo life instead of what God intended.

Once we realize there is no good in us apart from the God who made us, that weight that many of the moms I sat with is lifted.  Our kids can have freedom to be themselves without the pressure to be that perfect baby everyone said they were.  Instead of only living according to the law, we live as though Christ has come back and fulfulled the law.
 
Grace is given, but often forfeited.  

Do You Hear What I Hear

How can a "leader" in church not want to talk about Biblical application in a social setting?  I was recently taken aback when I brought up what I was learning in my own personal Bible study with a pastor.  Instead of joining in the conversation, he was quiet and seemed disinterested.  The conversation quickly went back to light frivolity.  I wrongly thought that a person who is surrounded by religiosity would want to discuss the deep stuff in the Bible.

After that awkward encounter, I realized something that I had taken for granted.  Many of those that are front and center in churches enjoy talking to everyone else about the Bible on their own terms, but that doesn't mean they want to be taught in humility.  It means that they have yet to taste the joy of growing and connecting in community with other believers.  A "personal" relationship with God has come to mean a secret, lonely relationship.  No wonder people sitting in pews every week are disillusioned, afraid, alone and in pain thinking they are "supposed" to come to church to be a better person.  How is this Biblical?  Jesus was surrounded by believers.  He would go off to pray on his own, and also find fellowship with believers through prayer, communion and discussion.  There was deep emotional connection formed by his Word that he desires for believers today as well.

I was hurt, frankly.  This person that I thought would be excited about what I was discussing from an obscure Old Testament passage almost seemed embarrassed. The encounter solidified the truths God has laid in my heart the past few years.

I want to hear God's Word read, preached and discussed freely with hope and expectation as I find my place and my peace in discussion and communion with other saints.  The Word is sacred and holy bringing life blood to all of us, yet it is often merely used as a pawn or a tool to further someone's career path.  This sickens me and saddens me at the simultaneously.  May we reverently and humbly receive Him acknowledging the sacredness of the breath that breathed the words we often fail to grasp.
These words are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ the Son of God! John 20:31