Loyd, You are Missed

There are children next door that my kids love to play with just about every day.  They know when the neighbors will usually be home and wait in anticipation for them.

I had a neighbor friend, too.  I'd constantly look over to see if he was out.  It would make my day when he was sitting on his carport.  I would cross the street, sit in a plastic chair and chat. When Loyd would see me coming, he was such a gentleman.  He would always stand up to make sure I had the most comfortable seat.  Our talks could last anywhere from 5 minutes to over an hour. 

Loyd was in his eighties, lonely after the death of his wife and uncertain of what his purpose was for still being here.  I'd often tell him that he was supposed to still be here, for those that were still in his life, including me-a new friend that wanted him here as long as possible.  

I tend to like talking with older individuals.  They are usually pretty honest, without pretension or hidden motive, reflective, and just...who they are.  Loyd was all of these things, and I loved it.  And it didn't matter to me that he never remembered my name.  He would often ask, saying he knew he had asked before, and we would make a joke about how my name reminded him the drink, gin and tonic.  He would ask the same questions and repeat a story several times during a visit.  I didn't mind this at all, because I knew he asked again, not because he wasn't paying attention or disinterested in the conversation, but because he truly couldn't remember that he had just heard the answer.  I also knew that he could remember some things, but they were fuzzy, and asking again helped clear up the picture.

Our chats were often about his early life.  I absolutely love hearing about someone's life, and Loyd was at the point where he was evaluating it all.  Thinking back over his younger years, he would get a spark in his eye, laugh telling old stories, and often say he knew he had probably told me before or apologize for talking so much.  I always told him to keep telling me.  I truly enjoyed the stories.  I liked to see him happy, and he would always include some new detail he hadn't shared previously.

Since Loyd lived right across the street, he became a fixture of how I view my home.  Now, after his passing, everywhere I look, I am hearing his voice.  He would often compliment our yard, talk about a tree that needs to be cut down near our house, remember his wife planting the ginormous crepe myrtle in their front yard and the pretty blue snowball bush he sat next to every day.  He loved fresh tomatoes, so I'd bring him some every few days.  I'd often turn around after I left to see him standing in the yard eating one like an apple.

I will keep hearing his voice in the years to come, and that makes me smile.  Every Summer when our large red hibiscus bush blooms, I will hear him talk about how pretty it is.  Every time I pet our cat in the driveway, I will hear him say how he sees our white cat and how he never sees her near the road.  When we go to the pool in the summers, I will hear his voice as he says he saw us get in the truck to go and how he used to be a lifeguard all around our area and several beaches.  Every time we mow the yard, I will hear him give us a compliment on how we keep it up.  When I go downtown, I will think of his stories of how it used to be and antics of his youth.  When I look at houses around a local lake, I will think of him talking about a house he owned there that he loved.  

I miss my friend.  I've been wondering why this loss has hit me so hard, and I think part of it is that I got to know Loyd better in 6 months, than many of us truly get to know one another in decades. Also, we both genuinely enjoyed being around one another.  We would sit and pet his cat in the sunshine-and just be still.  Loyd will always be a part of this home for me.  I do believe in providence, and I know that our time together was providential.  I pray he's at peace.  My heart aches seeing his empty chair, but I know it was his time to be elsewhere.

How EMDR Therapy Changed My Life- Part 2

 As my therapy recently concluded, I've been reflecting on the process.  It's been quite an extraordinary journey.  I started in a state desperate to change worn patterns that were like dusty, back country roads that had been traveled often but never repaired.  I finished soaring high above it all.

I've said this before, but it's worth saying again; not everyone is going to have the same experience or outcome.  I can relay what happened with me and hope and pray that perhaps it will help another in some way.  Yet, there are so many factors that come into play, and I can't praise God enough for his timing as far as where I was in my journey and the therapist provided.

The entire process was much like an onion peeling for me.  The initial sessions were not quite as difficult to peel off, but as we progressed, it took more effort  and intention.  It was more painful to break off the pieces.  Once we got to the center, the core-seed of my trauma- I thought perhaps I was done.  However, this seed needed to be dealt with.  This was heart wrenching involving days of sobbing off and on-can't catch your breath sort of weeping that pierces your soul.  It was intense, but absolutely necessary for my freedom.  The processing of the seed of it all, was it for me.  For now, at least.  

During my last session, my therapist asked me to process the journey as I held the sensors.  Being a very visual person, I saw the start as me walking along with heavy chains cascading behind me connected to large metal stocks that were on my shoulders with no visible means of coming off.  I saw myself trudging along, falling down, slipping into the mud, but still moving.  As I walked, some of the links would break off until eventually, all that was left were the stocks on me.  This was the core, the seed.  When this core trauma was processed, the stocks were gone.  I became a butterfly that flew to a beautiful sunflower that had arisen from this seed.  There were fragments from the seed lying around like plastic that wouldn't disintegrate.  They all gathered together to create a bowl full of water that I watered the sunflower with.  As a butterfly, I took the seeds from the sunflower and planted them in the barren field in front of it.  This produced more flowers, whose seeds were used to plant more flowers.  As this process continued, I saw myself sitting with the Master Gardener, Jesus.  Resting in him, admiring the field.  Enveloped in him.

This was the end of my EMDR journey.  So, what's the result?  I feel like a different person.  My emotions do not rule me.  I can think more clearly.  I can be hurt without always feeling anger immediately.  I can express myself verbally much better in difficult situations.  I am more confident, and I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life.

As I adjust to these new pathways, it's a little scary, but in an exciting way-without the looming darkness that I had grown accustomed to.  Life is an adventure now instead of a depressing drama or horror film.  I will always have memories, yet they are just memories now.  They don't hold a grip on my present reality.  They are a means to help provide life and hope.  That's my prayer.

The Lord bless and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.  

~Numbers 6:24-26

Family First

There’s more to life than feeling happy and blissfully unaware of the faults, failures and pain around us, whether that’s in our own homes or miles away.  Once this mindset is challenged, one can stop waking up every day thinking of what makes them feel good, even if that might seem selfless, and begin to be humbled, to take the gut blow to pride.   Because no matter the situation, you are not perfect.  We all have ways of acting and speaking that hurt others, that are based on insecurities and defense mechanisms.  Sure, it’s easy to place blame on others to protect the person we think we are while the real us is hold up inside thick castle walls.  We may even find that seemingly putting others first protects us from being seen or our pain and sadness exposed.

How do we get so far from introspection and self-analysis and so immersed in blame and criticism?  What a tangled web we weave and blame the murder on someone else.  We throw our hands up like we have no idea how or why people around us may act in a way that doesn’t fit the mold of propriety and decorum.  When, in reality, we have not really taken the time to listen to or see them because of our own selfishness.

May God have mercy on us.  We place ourselves, others, material things and power and position above him.  That’s the real issue.  We make gods of “good things” justifying it and getting whatever good feelings we can get.  The problem comes in when those good things can’t sustain us and disappoint us.  While this is good as it can lead us back to our God, some decide to ignore the fact that these things hurt them and keep reaching and striving for the things of this world to give them peace.  Or they are angry at the world, perpetually demanding what it can never give them. 

One such example, is family first.  That sounds great on the outside.  Be sure to put your family above all else.  Yet, this is going to lead to heartache, because you will never be able to satisfy and help your family in the manner that only God can.  They cannot give you fulfillment as Jesus Christ does.  We are his children above all else.  That’s who we are.  We are not first part of an earthly family.  This belief leads to disillusionment and protection of self and others in that system from being challenged by the truths of the Word.  We should never be putting anyone else on this planet on a pedestal, no matter their role in our lives.  Whatever good we have received from them, comes from Christ himself.   If we don’t see this, we will stunt the growth that can come within in a family when we bypass faults or hold back forgiveness.  We end up forgetting that our family members are human and not meant to be idolized.  We are not first earthly mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife.  First, we are a child of God and brother, sister to our fellow believers.

We also often forget that peace comes by the sword.  We tend to want peace so we avoid conflict.  That’s not the way it goes.  Our sinful natures need to be challenged, exposed and humiliated.  We need family members to encourage growth in love.  Deception is often subtle and unspoken-as Satan wants it to be. 

Speak the Word.  Speak the truth.  Do not be silent and lead your family to damnation.  Remember, few enter the kingdom of heaven.  People don’t want to hear this about their sweet babies, but they are sinful, born bound for hell.  What they need to know is who they are in Jesus from the cradle to the grave.  They need baptism, faith, God’s Word, prayer, the fellowship of believers, and a focus on Christ above anyone or anything else.  If we model anything less, they will most likely follow.  Don’t assume, that politeness motived by fear for the sake of a “happy family” is going to lead them to heaven.  That just keeps us from having to have real conversations, protects our fear and leads to disconnection and distance.  Have the hard conversations.  Get to know the person God created them to be.  See your own faults and talk openly about them and God's mercy and grace toward us all. 

How EMDR Therapy Changed My Life

Definition

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.  Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal.  EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.  When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound.  If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes.  The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health.  If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes. ~www.emdr.com

EMDR boosts the brain’s capacity to access psychological pain, reprocess and integrate information that was previously stuck. EMDR does this by stimulating communication between the right brain (emotional brain) and the left brain (logical brain). This bilateral brain therapy provides a clinically proven alternative to processing difficult memories even when the individual is not yet able to express it in words.  ~https://www.atimetohealpsychotherapy.com/emdr-therapy

My Story

Before I started EMDR therapy I scoured the internet to find personal stories, and came across very little detail about actual sessions, methods and results.  I had heard about this type of therapy briefly, but usually the accounts were vague. While many associate EMDR primarily with single trauma PTSD or "big T" traumas, it can be useful for anyone that has experienced trauma.  After talking with friends who benefited personally from EMDR as well as hearing how others in the mental health field saw dramatic results with clients, I decided to give it a shot.  It couldn't hurt anything, right?  

Up to this point, I had done a lot to address my childhood trauma and subsequent consequences.  I got a master's degree in counseling.  I had participated in various forms of therapy and implemented techniques to calm the nerves that were constantly frayed.  I've done cognitive behavioral therapy, psychoanalytic therapy, spiritual counsel, marriage therapy, journaled, exercised regularly, done breathing exercises, taken medication, read my Bible, been active in church, had a mentor, been a mentor...you name it, I'd done it.

I was ready to keep moving forward, to keep healing and growing.  I continued to be triggered, what felt like constantly sometimes, beyond my control.  I was tired of primarily treating symptoms instead of getting to the root of the problem.  Sure, I could function in life.  I had figured out how to conceal a lot of the storm that raged inside when I was around others.  I couldn't contain it at home, though.

What was held inside out in public spewed out onto my husband and children.  This, above all else, was my motivation to keep trying, to keep plodding along though it felt as though I was in muddy quick sand.  Thank God for the realization found in those circumstances of how weak I am, how much help I need, and a motivation to press on for the life I knew God had promised to me as a believer through his Word.

I made an appointment with a trained EMDR therapist some friends recommended.  By that point, I was more than ready to try anything that could alleviate the intensity of daily life.  I was open, completely honest about myself, and willing to be vulnerable.  I was ready to step out of the fog I felt I'd been in my entire life.

The first few sessions were the typical "getting to know you" sessions where I explained my history.  I was very clear that I wanted to focus on EMDR as opposed to other forms of therapy since you know...been there, done that.

There are various ways to do EMDR.  I held "buzzers" in each hand.  These buzzers alternate vibrating in one hand and then the other.  Some people will hold these while looking at and following two fingers the therapist moves from left to right.  Some will follow a light (my therapist's was blue) back and forth on a horizontal light bar.  I am extremely visual and get distracted by the movement, so I would close my eyes.

Before the buzzers start, we discuss where to begin.  There is often a triggering event that causes an intense emotional reaction.  For example, I am often triggered by last minute plans being made.  I will feel a sense of powerlessness, fear and panic.  When we start the session, we discuss the triggering event and the feelings associated with it.  The therapist asks me how intense the feelings are from 1-10.  Usually mine are 7-10.  The goal is to process the event/feelings so that the intensity is down to a 1 or 2.  The therapist will check in to see where I'm feeling tension after describing the triggering event.  For me, there is often tension in my neck, tightness in my throat and chest, and a feeling like I'm on a roller coaster in my stomach.  Sometimes, there is lethargy and exhaustion.

My therapist then starts the buzzers, and I close my eyes focusing on those feelings and thinking about the first time I felt those things.  For the above example, I was taken back to the time when I found out abruptly about a possible major move that would drastically change my life.  I happened to overhear it was going to happen without my knowledge or say, and I would have to go along with it.  This is when the feelings began. 

The buzzers go on for 30 seconds to a minute.  Once they stop, I open my eyes and tell my therapist things I thought, felt or "saw".  Once I tell her, she asks if I could stay with it.  She asks this, because the process can be extremely emotional and some people need a break if they feel overwhelmed.  

For the above example, I closed my eyes again with the buzzers going and was able to see this memory clearly as well as feel the hopelessness and sadness associated with it.  Often, I will feel things I did not feel when I should have as a child.  Perhaps not being able to process these feelings when I was younger is why they found any means they could to get out as an adult, making my reactions extremely intense.  People often say children are resilient when really, children don't feel they are allowed to express how they feel because they are protecting the adults around them.

The therapist will repeat the process of stopping the buzzers and process what I thought, felt and saw until there is resolution.  Resolution comes for me in spiritual terms.  In the above example, I saw how the path that was safe and secure was underneath the memory that was so unsteady.  I saw my path with Christ, walking hand in hand with him.  I found a sense of empowerment, ease and peace as I envisioned walking my true path with Christ.  The session is ended with going to your safe place.  My "safe place" is the hand of God.  This is where I go in my mind at the end of each session being held by God.  

There are times when I want to start with the traumatic memory.  We will process it the same way but somewhat in reverse.  It can take more than one session to fully process a triggering event and/or memory.  One issue took 3 sessions for me.  Often, I am surprised by the memory that is associated with my triggers.  Sometimes, I will leave the session feeling like I ran a marathon and be wiped out for the rest of the day.  Once, I found myself having more anxiety for a day or so.  Sometimes, I don't have any physical reactions.  There have been several occasions where I've come home and wept as the reality of the situation continues to be processed and I am not holding in feelings anymore.  I have remembered things that I didn't fully remember before, vividly, as if I was there.  This can be heartbreaking, but also cathartic.  

I have been doing EMDR for 4 months, and I will probably continue for several more months.  I could tell a difference in my reaction to specific triggers after the first session. Within a few sessions my husband could tell a difference, and after several months, I don't act the same at all.  I am able to be myself, and this is something he has to get used to as well.  He doesn't have to worry as much about how I will react if he says or does something that triggers me.  We feel like we are able to connect and converse as we should.  I have found that I'm actually able to think through situations without the tidal wave of emotion demanding center stage.  When I do start to get intense, the turnaround is much quicker.  Both sides of my brain are communicating, and I feel more whole.

If you or a loved one has any sort of trauma that negatively impacts your life, I highly recommend talking to a professional about this type of therapy.  It may not be right for you, or it may not be the right time, but it's definitely something to keep on the radar.  For me, it's as if 10-20 years worth of work has been done in a few months, and I have never felt more peace, joy and contentment.

10 Things Your Mother Never told you about Marriage

I think many of us never had a specific conversation with adults in our lives about what marriage really looks like.  I hear many people say that they had no idea what marriage would actually entail.  They only knew of a dream.  Once they got married, they were unprepared for what life would be like.  I was definitely one of those people.

I have two young daughters, who may or may not get married one day.  I don't want them to enter into marriage with idealistic fantasies that will cause pain.  There are things I hope to say to them that will help if they do choose to marry.

1.) Marriage is not a fairy tale.

Though the princess movies portray a handsome, young man saving you from dire situations and whisking you away to a beautiful castle to be happy forever, this is not reality.  Marriage means juggling finances, children, unexpected health issues...the good and the bad.  Marriage may mean living paycheck to paycheck if one of you is out of work.  It may mean moving somewhere you don't want to.  The reality is that life won't necessarily be easy just because you got married.  All of your problems will not be solved.  Remember, you find completeness and wholeness in Christ.

2.)  Marriage is work.

It is sacrifice.  It is humbling and often not at all what you may have hoped or expected.  That's okay.  To admit our faults and sins is a good thing.  To ask for forgiveness, is a good thing.  To be broken and built up again anew, is a good thing.  Remember the commitment you made, and that God is with you no matter how difficult it may seem at times.  He is rooting for the success of your marriage and so are mom and dad.

3.) Prayer is key.

Pray for your spouse.  Pray for yourself.  Pray with your spouse.  I have often cried out, "God, please help us!" when we were locked in an argument that seemed to have no resolution.  I just didn't know what else to say.  He has always helped us.  Even when it seemed we would never work it out.

3.)  Let go.

Let go of whatever notion you have in your mind of what your spouse should be, and accept them as they are.  This doesn't mean silently accept degrading behavior.  It means you allow them to be human.  I think little girls can erroneously dream of their prince charming who will never do anything that displeases them.  You will both change throughout the course of your marriage, and that's okay.

4.)  You are a team.

Remember that.  You need to uplift and support your teammate, when they are scoring the winning goal, or when they are stuck on the bench.  See your spouse's strengths, encourage them and cheer them on.  Don't belittle their weaknesses, but try to help them and find solutions.  Your partner should do the same for you.

5.)  Let him lead.

Your husband is the spiritual leader of your home.  Eve paved the way for us ladies by eating that fruit and assuming Adam should do the same.  Men can be so enthralled with women, want to please us so, that they do what we assume to be right.
We can have the tendency not to let our husbands lead, and this is sad tragedy.  If he seems unsure, give him the space to lead by not taking control.  If he has a hard time taking initiative, talk about it.  Tell him how your feel.  Pray.  Your children need to see their father lead instead of following behind their mother constantly.  Your husband will end up feeling powerless and resenting you, and you may end up hardening your heart toward him.  This doesn't mean your husband should be a tyrant with absolute control.  It means he leads with love and gentleness as the Bible describes and as Christ gives as an example.

6.)  Get help.

See a counselor and not just when things get rough.  See a counselor before you marry and during.  Outside perspectives and help can change the course of your marriage.  Don't involve family members in your marital concerns.

7.)  Make a point to stay connected.

You will evolve and change over the years.  Be intentional about still learning and growing with your spouse.  Life can get busy, and it can be easy to lose touch with one another.  You don't want to wake up one day after your children have left home, and realize you don't really know the person you are married to anymore.  Even if it's just a few minutes a day, have a conversation, send messages and check in.  Ask how they are really doing and how they are feeling.  Support their interests.  Don't let your conversations only consist of daily tasks, schedules and what is going on with the kids.

8.)  Don't shut him out.

Though we ladies can be very good at the silent treatment, this is never useful.  You may be in pain and need some time before you can talk, but intentionally trying to punish your husband by shutting him out is a tactic that will only cause more pain.  Don't cut him off emotionally for good.  Be open and honest.  If you need outside help, get it sooner than later.  The longer we emotionally shut out our husbands, the more likely our marriages are to fail and contempt and bitterness grow.

9.) Be positive and respectful.

Positivity has been shown to work wonders in the mind and the marital life.  Instead of ruminating about how he didn't do the dishes or left his dirty socks on the floor again, think of how he fixed something around the house yesterday or got up with a child in the middle of the night.  Remember, you are flawed, too.  You may overlook the fact that you let that warning light stay on in the car too long, forgot to pay that bill or expected him to read your mind.

10.)  Christ brings life.

No matter how difficult it gets, remember that this breaking down and building up is part of the process.  Life comes from the marriage built on the foundation of Christ.  It's worth the struggle when you see your own personal growth, the growth of your relationship with your husband, and the stability your marriage brings to your home and your children.  It won't be perfect, but it will be alive, growing and changing.  Your kids will see the resilience and commitment you  have no matter the storms as you lean on Christ, and prayerfully, they will learn to find their foundation in Christ in their own marriages one day.

All in the Family

The dynamics involved in family units can be quite understated.  Quite unique.  They may have existed for decades or longer.

They can be evolved over time to serve a purpose.  Yet, when the problem or crisis is over, many find it difficult to move out of ways of relating to one another that should not be permanent.  They have a hard time moving forward, moving on.

For example, family members may find it difficult to function when an addict is in the family.  Coping mechanisms such as avoidance, enabling and the like may emerge out of desperation and survival.  Tough love can be shown in order to help the person who is a part of the family.  What happens when that addict overdoses or finds sobriety?  How does the family stop walking on eggshells or let this person back into their lives?  How do they learn to be open and honest instead of acting like the ordeal never happened?

These patterns can become ingrained in an individual and a family and dictate or influence future relationships.  Oftentimes, we don't even realize we are "stuck" in an unhealthy place.  We don't realize that our patterns of behavior may be hurting others around us when genuine authenticity, openness and vulnerability are necessary in relationships.  Many have learned to avoid those deep emotions.  Or maybe they think they should reveal pain and hurt only in private.  Yet, how are we to ever be truly connected with that antiquated notion?  Connection includes being able to accept the fact that others around us are in pain, and there is nothing we can do about it.  Yet, we are still tangibly there for them.  We don't shrink away from intense emotion.

Really loving others has nothing to do with us.  It's not about how good we feel that we fixed their problems, or how amazing it was when they opened our gift.  Loving them can mean saying hard things to them in gentleness and truth.  Loving others can mean being very uncomfortable ourselves.  Loving others doesn't mean we have no boundaries and let others walk all over us.  Loving others often means disappointment when the other person is not able to reciprocate the invitation to go deeper in relationship.

There are so many walls up.  So many of us walk around with gates and walls as thick as the castles of old, and the sad part is- we don't even realize it.  We have had these walls up to protect our hearts for so long, they seem to belong there.  These walls are daunting and seemingly unpenetrable.  Yet, there is hope.  Though it may be the scariest thing in the world to expose ourselves, it is not impossible.  With God, all things are possible.  With God, what we may have believed shameful, he transforms.  The pain we have protected becomes the doorway to help others.

I think one of the greatest weapons of Satan is to attack our identity and self worth.  Instead of focusing on Christ, we often look within, and that can be very dangerous.  Our human nature is despicable, and too much inward reflection creates great guilt and shame, or we start thinking we are okay the way we are, justifying and not admitting our sin.  When not countered with the gift of redemption found in Christ and new life, this only leads to utter despair and separation from God.

This all ties into how we relate to our families.  We find great hope, faith and courage in Christ.  He gives us all we lack, and there is no need for those walls.  Believing this also requries great humility and vulnerability accepting our depravity and also the absolute gift of saving life that we did absolutely nothing to deserve.  Once we stop expecting others to be or give what only Christ can, life becomes liberating.

We have been given the gifts of God.  They are ours.  Peace, joy, wisdom, faith, rest, hope, love... Yet we act as though we don't have these gifts.  We act as though we have to figure everything out and this often includes trying to make others meet deep seated needs.

May we all pray ferventaly for the transparency that can be ours, for the love of Christ to penetrate our hearts, for his healing balm and strong right hand to lead us to what is good and pleasant.  May we know the joy found in the unity of believers under the headship of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ.

Darkness assails.
It's winds and high seas-
The uncertain constancy.

Yet, I do not fear.
though my captives would cheer.
I press on and believe
for I have been saved.
My hope lies ahead,
in the pure bliss of what's read.
His Word promises me,
life and eternity.

I will not fear,
For my redeemer is near.
He lends his ear,
to this weary soul.
Giving reprieve and rest
for the faint hearted,
but blessed.

I am free.
Though Satan surrounds me,
I am at ease-
Though the storm should increase.
For there is no place that I would rather be,
than safe in the arms
of the God who supplies all my needs.