Monday, February 25, 2013

Infertile by Choice

People often ask me these days if the baby I am carrying  was part of our 5 year plan due to the timing.  I usually force a smile as I am looking away and say, "No, it just happened that way."   I always feel tears trying to well up as I quickly change the subject.

I know people who have had infertility issues.  My heart breaks for them.  I have never known the unique pain they experience.  Yet, I feel we were "infertile" for years.

We were not faced with disappointment month after month while trying to conceive.  We faced disappointment month after month, because God said it is not the time.  I yearned as the months passed to know what it would be like to carry a child.  We grieved the child that was unexpected and lost.  We purposely tried NOT to get pregnant for years.  We were not physically infertile.  We were emotionally and spiritually infertile.

I felt tortured by this.  I felt guilty that much of the reason I was not holding a child in my arms was because of the issues I needed to work through.  I felt I was robbing my husband of the life he had dreamed of as well, but he was always more concerned about me and our marriage.  He was thinking of the child we would one day hold.  We needed to wait in order to be good parents.

That is why every moment we have with this child, every second, means more than words can describe.  The time is now, and I wouldn't trade a single tear or minute that we waited.  God's timing is impeccable.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Balloon Release

Yesterday, I happened to look up into the sky while I was driving to see a red, heart-shaped Valentine's Day balloon floating listlessly up into the sky as it's white curly string of a leash followed.  At first, I thought it was sad someone lost their balloon, but then I thought about the  balloon I have in my bedroom.  It is scrunched up against the ceiling with nowhere to go but still pressed tightly against that white plaster in hopes of escape.

The verse in Matthew came to mind that says if we find our life (or cling to it), we will lose it, but if we give up our lives for Christ's sake, we will find it.  That balloon symbolizes freedom.  It made me feel at peace to witness it's flight after it was let go.  The balloon in my room will never know what it's like to make a carefree flight into the sky.  If I leave it there, it will eventually deflate, pop and be thrown away.

I wonder what I am clinging to that needs to be released.  What have I held so close that has never been let go into the wide expanse God has created?  Am I suffocating true life by coveting relationships, my right to myself, external sources that fill my needs or security?   I pray God shows me what strings I have a grasp on that I shouldn't so that I don't end up with a room full of dead balloons.  What is never released to him, never has a chance to grow, live and thrive where he intended.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

A Child of God

I look down these days to see a belly that is growing by the moment.  Sometimes I think, "Is this real?  Am I really pregnant?  Will I really be holding a baby in a little over two months?!"

It's something I have waited 31 years for...to be a mother.  I guess it doesn't sound progressive and modern, but I have always wanted my profession in life to be Mother.  I enjoy my job, but in my mind, nothing compares to the immense privilege, responsibility and joy of raising a child.  I feel like I have done the interviews and been waiting for years to now finally get the job!  The wait has made me so very grateful for the little one moving inside of me at this moment.

I have seen the look in other women's eyes that I once had when I talked to a pregnant woman...sadness and envy.  I empathize with them, but also admire them for continuing to wait or adopting children that so desperately need a good mother.  We all have different paths in life, and it is so hard not to compare our journey to the journey of others...especially when your heart's desire is to carry your own child.

God continues to teach me to let go...to release control of what I have never had control over.  He decided it was the right time for this baby, and he decides the course of her life.  I may carry her in my belly, but she has always been his.  She always will be.